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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Called me needy

27 replies

Graphista · 11/10/2024 19:53

Chap I been seeing for 6/7 months been going so well until now, we talk and text a lot every day been like that from the start mostly driven by him. Then today he hasn't been wanting to chat. Hasn't given a specific reason. I was on my way somewhere to see friends this evening and after him saying earlier he didn't feel like either of us really talkative today, but I asked if we could have a chat as I walked there. Mainly as not the most pleasant walk in a rough part of town and I'm alone, he called but then called me needy. He's never been like this with me before

To be honest he's been a bit off all week and it's not like him. It is making me feel insecure if I'm honest as it's so out of character.

What do I do? Please be gentle as I am feeling a bit fragile on this.

OP posts:
Newsenmum · 11/10/2024 19:55

Ugh red flag that he called you needy. A decent guy who really likes you would t use that word. He’d be just as interested. it’s too early for him to be like this. I’m sorry.

Newsenmum · 11/10/2024 19:56

Phone away. Get out the chocs/wine or whatever and wait for him to be needy. Which he will be when you suddenly don’t need him anymore. And you’ll be replying “sorry who is this?”

TammyJones · 11/10/2024 20:22

He's probably met some one else, but doesn't want to burn his bridges, until he's got her pegged.
Don't chase , let him work for it.
And on a side note try and avoided the bad side of town alone ...

Original poster
Graphista · 11/10/2024 20:40

He's going away soon for work (oil industry) only a few months but still it's gonna be hard, I'm wondering if he's being more distant as he knows we won't be seeing each other for a while? though he was trying to reassure me on this earlier in week. Dreading it if I'm honest.

OP posts:
Thepossibility · 11/10/2024 21:07

I would be giving him all the space in the world until he proved to me he was very interested or I'd let it fizzle out. It's not a good sign for a relationship.

Original poster
Graphista · 11/10/2024 21:30

I'm so sad about this, I've NEVER felt I had to "game play" with him at all but now it seems I do I hate that!

OP posts:
RuffledKestrel · 11/10/2024 21:59

To me it sounds like he's annoyed you are going going out. Annoyed at who you are going out with, or just that you are going out without him I'm not sure. Both would be turn offs for me now.

That's possibly my own experiences coming to light though.

Original poster
Graphista · 11/10/2024 22:09

He's usually totally good with me going out with my own friends and it's a VERY tame crowd I am out with compared to usual! He's actually working tonight.

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 11/10/2024 22:13

I expect you'll be ghosted soon...

Original poster
Graphista · 11/10/2024 22:17

He bloody better not!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Graphista · 11/10/2024 22:24

Fucking hating this! Why do men pull this crap?!

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 11/10/2024 22:38

6/7 months can be when the mask slips. It's when people who have been going with the flow and enjoying the early fun stage start thinking about where it's headed. Unfortunately, in the background is this working away for a few months. He knew it was coming, but it sounds like he still got wrapped up and quite intense about starting something new. Did he tell you from the start he'd be working away so long? If you both knew, then you were both unwise to develop this. If he didn't tell you, then he roped you in without letting you be informed.
Tbh, it's doubtful a 6 month relationship would survive months apart. He probably suspects this and is withdrawing gradually before he leaves.
Match his level, it's not playing games as such, you should never give more than you get. So give him a gap, if he contacts you, reply if you want. Hold back yourself, it's self-preservation if you like.

Original poster
Graphista · 11/10/2024 22:57

He didn't know it was kinda sprung on him he doesn't usually work away. He had a choice though but fantastic money for him which I can see the appeal.

I hope you're wrong but I am afraid you are right

OP posts:
user2312 · 11/10/2024 22:57

Couldn't agree more with @Opentooffers above post! I've been in a previous situation and the mask 100% slips around 6 months in!

It's hard when someone has made effort and made you feel so sure then acts like this, you almost feel like you're going mad and questioning yourself and if you've done something however as hard as it is I've found from experience the best thing to do is nothing! Don't reach out too much etc and if he wants you time will tell! Men run or pull away when they think we are 'needy' ( it's not needy in my opinion I think we should all feel reassured when needed)
You aren't asking too much your maybe just asking it from the wrong person X

Attelina · 12/10/2024 09:24

If he's called you needy he's already pulled away from you emotionally.

A big sign that it's over, he just hasn't had the guts to tell you outright so will now nitpick that you're need.

Coming next will be that you're too clingy and he needs his own space.

Followed by being busy at work/stressed/going out with his male friends more.

Civilservant · 12/10/2024 09:28

Not the point of the thread but it’s worse for your personal safety to be on the phone when out walking.

lololulu · 12/10/2024 09:36

@Opentooffers

Tbh, it's doubtful a 6 month relationship would survive months apart.

  • I understand what you're saying but it can happen.
  • DH went to Afghanistan for 6 months when we had been together 10months. 18 years ago.
Osirus · 12/10/2024 11:17

lololulu · 12/10/2024 09:36

@Opentooffers

Tbh, it's doubtful a 6 month relationship would survive months apart.

  • I understand what you're saying but it can happen.
  • DH went to Afghanistan for 6 months when we had been together 10months. 18 years ago.

I’d been with my now DH for three months when he travelled away for three months. It can work.

ChristmasFluff · 12/10/2024 11:17

I think the working away thing is a red herring and this bloke for whatever reason has lost interest - probably @Opentooffers is right, and shit just got real for him.

Don't get involved in playing games, because yes, these types do get more interested if you pull away. But do you really want to be playing games for the rest of your life?

Honestly, I would bin him off. If he's calling you 'needy' now, this isn't going to last the 3 month separation, and meantime it will all chip away at your self-esteem so badly.

lololulu · 12/10/2024 11:37

@Osirus Yes I said so

ilovecushionsandflowers · 12/10/2024 11:54

If he's called you needy he's already pulled away from you emotionally.

THIS

MissMoneyFairy · 12/10/2024 12:01

Stop calling him. See what happens , he could be cooling off before his 3 months away, lost interest, playing games, you dont need him in your life if he doesn't make you feel happy or secure, what's the point.

Choosenandenough · 12/10/2024 12:06

I am only speaking from experience and I don’t want this to be true at all … but in my opinion he’s met someone else. They can go from the nicest guys who act a certain way and understand everything to someone who thinks you’re suddenly needy or that you want to meet for your birthday and suddenly he doesn’t think birthdays are important or he’s suddenly exhausted and blah blah blah … when they just change like that … it’s literally always that they’ve met someone else. It’s horrible. It’s just so, so horrible and cruel and gaslighty and you feel like ‘did I ever know them?’ Did they ever know me? Who even is this person. It sucks.

Garlicbest · 12/10/2024 12:13

I recognise the anxiety to understand what's going on in his mind. But telepathy isn't real and trying to guess is a mug's game. What's real is that the man you've been seeing has insulted your character. There's no coming back from that, is there?

Choosenandenough · 12/10/2024 12:22

Civilservant · 12/10/2024 09:28

Not the point of the thread but it’s worse for your personal safety to be on the phone when out walking.

I disagree. It’s worse for the person’s safety to be disengaged with or unaware of what is going on in their surroundings but to be on the phone to someone, especially someone who knows your whereabouts etc is a safety bonus. I’ve pretended to be on my phone to someone in the past and said I’ll be there in five minutes or you just have driven up the wrong way I’m across the road or I’ve saved etc … that decreases the likelihood of anyone attacking you. It’s being unaware that’s not helpful, not being on your phone.