Can you ever have a 'normal' happy relationship after abuse?

[FromSeattleWithLove]

Name change! So I am recently married and very much in love. We've been together 3 years, married for 8 months. Prior to meeting my husband I was married before to a man I met when I was 20, and together for many years. He cheated and although he changed many things about himself to prove to me I could trust him, I ultimately left.

I met another man. He turned about to be mentally and physically abusive. Sexually too. He was controlling and I was trapped in that 'relationship' for 8 years. All the while he cheated many many times and although I didn't care as I hated him, it still was horrible seeing the messages pop up on his phone from all sorts of women. Him denying it of course, and saying I was mental and crazy. Im crying as I write this because it was nightmare 8 years with him. I had two abortions (which he didn't know about) because he refused to use contraception and I spent hundreds of pounds on the morning after pill. He was dead set on me getting pregnant. On my second abortion the surgeon inserted the coil so that was protected going forward. I eventually got out of the relationship with the support of others.

My point of this writing is. I openly admit Im pretty messed up after all that. I have trust issues. I no reason to not trust my husband. He is loving and attentive but I can't help but worry he'll cheat on me like the others because I'm not worth having as a wife. I very self-esteem.

Has anyone else been through similar and managing to have trusting relationships? I've tried therapy but it's so expensive private and the NHS waiting list is so long. I just wonder what coping mechanisms other people have.

Following 😔

I had a short term abusive/coersive relationship that ended 15 odd years ago.
I am in a long term marriage with children.
Whilst I have no reason to distrust my husband in any way I think it is a struggle to shake off the impact of an abusive relationship. Patterns are set up that are difficult to break even with a different partner.
The trauma from that relationship has contributed to a chronic condition being diagnosed which severely impacts my life now, which is tough.
If you feel it's worth going forward for counselling, then that is worth pursuing.... I had mixed feelings about the success of mine. Though I think I'm a bit more ballsy now! Still have poor self esteem.....

I think you can, but it takes a lot of time.

Thank you for sharing your experience xx. I will pursue the counselling, I just wish the waiting wasn't so exhaustive. I've chatted with my GP and other than the therapy and anti-depressants (which I don't have) there's nothing else they can offer which is a shame. Thanks again.

I hope you're okay xx

Thanks @FromSeattleWithLove I've been so disappointed by men over the years. Late last year I decided to dive back into dating after a 4 year hiatus of dating. Am 7 years single since divorce. It was horrific 😢 We dated on and off and he turned out to be a total creep - drug addict, womaniser, deadbeat, a dark sordid past 😐

I’m wondering this too, recently separated after 10 year marriage and I know I need to give it time but he isn’t the only male to have mistreated me, I’ve gone through a broken engagement before that and my father is a serial philanderer. I don’t know what a normal, happy relationship looks like really so I expect I will struggle if I try to put myself out there again, I think I want to but also feel miles away from being able to trust anyone.

Been through similar. 2 very abusive marriages, 2 divorces. And I choose singlehood.

I have had different types of therapy to sort myself out. Came out of my relationships with cptsd, but with really good help I can manage life. It took a while for me to seek help, and I actively sought out a therapist who was specialist in domestic violence and all it entails. She was amasing.

Its been 5 years since my last relationship ended and I really like who I am now.

Get to know your triggers, write them down if you can, and sit with them. Dont buy things to over ride them, binge on food or berate yourself for what happened, that is pointless, and know that men who do this to women seek out women who are strong, got their shit together and are good individuals.

But seek help or what happened to you will unconsiously bleed into your current relationships, even if you try really hard not to let it. So seek help.

Also, I went down the rabbit hole of learning about anti social behaviors, such as narcissism and Psychopathy. It really helped me navigate why some people do what they do. I am now able to see who to avoid, man or woman, and I make no excuses for them. I just leave them be. I gray rock those who have to stay in my life, and I am terribly boring to most people now.

I'm work in progress. Think knowing your triggers and boundaries helps. I am doing on line dating which means I am meeting every kind of narcissistic prededator going. Currently on a loop of being attracted by the dangerous edgy ones who I quickly identify then dump. This is on repeat. My counsellor says there are better ways to meet someone. In many ways I am facing my trauma and testing myself it's painful but I do feel myself getting stronger.
Yes you can do it.

What helped me was me telling my now-DH how I felt, and him sitting me down and actually listening, and telling me over and over again that what had happened to me wasn't my fault, that i wasn't worthless, etc etc. It took him two hours to really make me see the light! Before this, he hadn't realised how much it was spoiling my life with him.

Two other things you can try: First, the body stores trauma, apparently. Have a search on YouTube for yoga designed to get rid of trauma.
Secondly, there is also on YouTube this therapy based on eye movement, where they teach you to relive the trauma while doing stuff with your eyes, and it sort of reprogrammes you. I can't remember what it's called but it really helped me. Because even after the talk with DH, I still found myself going over it in my mind nearly every day, but now I rarely think about it and when I do it's fleeting.
Best wishes.

Yes, you absolutely can, but the man you have a relationship with has to not be an abusive wanker and you have to be willing to sort yourself out and examine why you go for the relationships you do.

I had relationships pretty much from teens to late 20s with men who were abusive cheaters. I also grew up with a father who was abusive. I met Dh at 28 and we’ve had a happy healthy relationship for 15 years. The meeting someone who wasn’t an abusive loser was pure luck, but the work involved examining why I wanted the ups and downs, push and pull of an unhealthy relationship instead of the relatively humdrum ‘boringness’ of a healthy one took work.

Now my life with Dh is definitely not boring, but it took some introspection initially to understand why he wasn’t as exciting as some of the assholes I’d been with previously. But yes, it’s absolutely possible. I’m grateful to be modelling the sort of relationship for my dc that I certainly never saw growing up.

I am in my second marriage.
Forst was abusive that was when I was 17 before that was stepfather 😔
I would say I am constantly becoming / feeling more safe and secure but this man has had to deal with some stuff 🤣bless him. I'm definitely not completely normal yet but I hope one day it comes. For me it is looking at me without the abuse and hurt, processing and tbh forgiving them

Aw sounds horrific, I hope you're well rid of him now. xx

The thing is there are some amazing lovely men out there, it's just a massive shame that we have meet monsters before finding him! I can totally relate to not knowing what a 'normal' relationship feels likes. It's definitely a case of once (or more) bitten, twice as shy!! I hope you find someone amazing and sincere when you feel ready to date again x

I am in this scenario. Separated years ago, but due to fairly extreme circumstances money has dictated we are living together still. Several relationships which were toxic and abusive and left me very vulnerable and damaged. I feel like I'm damaged goods and unlikely to have a healthy relationship again. I'm not ready to even try. Focusing on my mental health but also isolated emotionally abd physically. Absolutely no idea how to move forward when things are fragile and I don't have the financial resources to live alone yet. It's hard. I don't know how to advise you but know you're not alone. I feel like people are still very bruised and affected by Covid in ways that aren't easy to spot. I didn't know how much... I do now. In some ways I feel like maybe I'm better living as a co parent with my ex until I'm in a better place in all respects.

I'm sorry. It must be very difficult still living with your ex after separation........restricted in some way from moving forward and working on your mental health. I hope he's not abusive?! I totally agree with what you said about COVID. I was with my abusive ex through COVID, he took full advantage of the tight restrictions and isolation we all had to experience. I hope you're okay.

Cut back somewhere else to find the money for private therapy, and really work at it.

It takes time and a good therapist to help you put the work in, but yes I think you can.

I say this as someone who is working on similar stuff in therapy now. If you can afford therapy then do consider it. Many therapists offer reduced rates in some circumstances so worth keeping that in mind.

Much love op. It sounds like you have had an awful time, but there is hope in my experience.

My husband is not remotely abusive and I don't go for men that are that way. It was just one man that was and to be absolutely honest I didn't go for him. My first husband cheated, but he wasn't a bully and he was truly remorseful for what he'd done. I ended the marriage but my heart had been broken and I felt wounded, vulnerable. I had zero self-esteem. The man I met after seemed such a kind man. I wasn't remotely attracted to him but he supported the same charity that i did, he did some work for them and appeared caring and a good man. Well he pulled the wool over my eyes!! The charity work was a means of him having online contact with women (through social media). A ruse. He wouldn't leave me alone and became obsessed. In the end it was just easier to meet him for coffee etc . Long story short I ended up trapped.

But yes I do totally understand what you're saying and I'm so relieved that my children from the previous relationship are now seeing what a happy healthy relationship looks like. I just now need to sort myself out like you say, my head at times just refuses to believe I've got a good man.

Do the Freedom programme - by far best in a face to face group, but there is an online self-study programme.

Whilst not the same as individual therapy it will help you understand abusive behaviour and spot it in future. There are also useful books to read, eg Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.

I've not heard of those?!! My doctor sent me a few links to supportive groups but the only one without an exhaustive waiting list assessed me and said they couldn't help as I was found to be 'too depressed! I will Google the Freedom programme, and have a look out for the books you suggested. Thank you.

Sounds very positive. Thank you!!!

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm glad you've found a good man x

I am in long term group therapy for this. It’s an all women group with a therapist and we have all had abusive childhoods or relationships. By long term, I have been in it for two years and there is no end date or deadline. You stay as long as you feel you need to. It has been hugely helpful in breaking down not only the damage but how to recognise when we may be over reacting due to hyper vigilance.

@FromSeattleWithLove not wanting to say too much but not brilliant. Just impossible to know how to move ahead with so much in the air. Really clinging on to the sides most days. But thank you.