Name change! So I am recently married and very much in love. We've been together 3 years, married for 8 months. Prior to meeting my husband I was married before to a man I met when I was 20, and together for many years. He cheated and although he changed many things about himself to prove to me I could trust him, I ultimately left.
I met another man. He turned about to be mentally and physically abusive. Sexually too. He was controlling and I was trapped in that 'relationship' for 8 years. All the while he cheated many many times and although I didn't care as I hated him, it still was horrible seeing the messages pop up on his phone from all sorts of women. Him denying it of course, and saying I was mental and crazy. Im crying as I write this because it was nightmare 8 years with him. I had two abortions (which he didn't know about) because he refused to use contraception and I spent hundreds of pounds on the morning after pill. He was dead set on me getting pregnant. On my second abortion the surgeon inserted the coil so that was protected going forward. I eventually got out of the relationship with the support of others.
My point of this writing is. I openly admit Im pretty messed up after all that. I have trust issues. I no reason to not trust my husband. He is loving and attentive but I can't help but worry he'll cheat on me like the others because I'm not worth having as a wife. I very self-esteem.
Has anyone else been through similar and managing to have trusting relationships? I've tried therapy but it's so expensive private and the NHS waiting list is so long. I just wonder what coping mechanisms other people have.