I recognise my bad patterns in relationships/communication…how do I change them?

[Rocwell]

please go easy on me as I’m really trying. But in all my signifant relationships I have been told the same thing, that during arguments I go on and on and talk down to them and don’t let things go. I really can see how I do that, what I think I’m doing is trying to explain how they’ve made me feel.

il give a recent example.
new partner was meant to come over around 5 and I was cooking dinner for us. didn’t hear from them and it got to 6 and they said they’re on their way (45mins away still) and had been catching up with a friend. I was annoyed at this as surely it’s only good manners to let someone know when you’re running late and I said that to them? They said ok sorry il make sure I let you know again, and that was it. In my head though (rightly or wrongly I don’t even know at this stage) they are just saying sorry and then it has to be over and done with and I can’t continue to feel annoyed/upset and just have to move on. So then I really want them to understand why it’s bothered me so il keep talking about it.

sounds trivial but this could be anything.

another example is ex partner who left front for unlocked a few times when going out to work and I came home to house lying unlocked. Their response was ok sorry won’t do it again(despite doing it again) whereas I really wanted them to know the importance of locking the door but then I come across as a nag.

i know I probably do go on a bit and I’ve thought about it a lot and I think it comes from always feeling misunderstood as a child and being encouraged by my mum to just get on with things and not voice when you’re bothered or someone has hurt you, my family also never said sorry and just got on as if the thing never happened which always felt strange to me as I was feeling so upset inside but wasn’t able to voice it or resolve it with the person and have my feelings acknowledged.

i don’t want to push my new partner away but I really struggle to get out of that cycle when I’m in it and automatically go into “I just want you to understand how that made me feel” mode

all my significant partners always seem to be the type who say “well I said sorry now let’s move on, you’ve not letting us move on”. Is that genuinely just the way everyone does it and the healthy way to do it?

ive lost perspective on this and want to change.

Yes, that's pretty much how it works.

Tell someone what they've done wrong, explain why it's bad (once) and then accept their apology/them telling you they won't do it again.

My ex husband used to go on and on, and really hammer everything home like I was a child who didn't understand and it was infuriating.

He was the same with the kids, he couldn't just let it drop after explaining why they shouldn't have done XYZ.

Thanks- but what if it’s the same thing over and over? Not in this relationship but my ex I was married to always did the same things repeatedly (safety things like the unlocked door) and used to say I couldn’t bring the previous times up again as it was ‘dealt with then’ despite it happening again

also if something has really upset you is it not normal to talk it out more than just you did this- sorry-ok??

And yes I’ve been told I go on and on as if they’re a child whereas in these scenarios I genuinely feel like a hurt child myself :(

funny enough with my own children I am much more understanding and don’t find myself going on and on but that’s something that just seems to happen naturally

What would understanding look like to you in this relationship?

It's really hard, but you just can't bring arguments from previous relationships into your new one. You have to treat each person as their own person. If you burden him with the wrongs of your ex you will ruin your relationship.

Your first example is completely different.

If an adult keeps repeatedly doing the same thing, it's no longer a mistake, it's because they simply don't care.

I wouldn't live with anyone who simply didn't care about the safety and security of me and my possessions, so I'd end that relationship.

If something has really upset me and that person has understood once we've talked it out, then it's time to move on.

Anything else is overkill.

Probably to me it would be an apology with a line or so about how they know it made me feel. Not just “right I’ve said sorry but…I was with a friend/I didn’t mean to say it like that/ it’s not a big deal to me/whatever else follows on from the ‘but’

Yeah they are different examples but I guess I experienced a lot of dismissiveness from my significant ex.

i think probably it’s the understanding part that looks different to me and my partner.

But when a person has form for banging on and on about something (like my ex husband did), you're far more inclined to shut them down quickly because you know what's coming, which is normally what feels like a massive lecture.

yeah, not nice to be on the receiving end of. I’m never rude or anything but I would at things like “you don’t understand how that makes me feel, I need you to see where I’m coming from” etc

I think my experience has been of partners who say sorry and they don’t do it again and then do.

You can't control people though and force them to stop doing things if they don't want to.

Let the little things go and weigh up the bigger things. If the big things are a dealbreaker, it's time to get out of the relationship.

Trying to force them out of their poor behaviour, with long conversations will just drive you mad.

Really interesting - I grew up similarly to you (“not voice when you’re bothered or someone has hurt you, my family also never said sorry) and feel very similarly to you about someone doing something bad then just saying sorry and thinking it fixes everything.

I think what you have to figure out is: is this a pattern of behaviour (that shows lack of care/disrespect) or is it a one off? If it’s a one off then you have to have an attitude of “fuck it” - yes it was annoying/disappointing/disrespectful but I’m going to explain why I am so upset (in a calm way, maybe after thinking about it for a little bit*) accept the apology and move on. But part of that is that they have taken on board why you’re upset and angry and demonstrate that they won’t do it again.

If the person says sorry, does it/something similar again, says sorry, does it again ad infinitum, then you have to accept that this person is not the right person for you and distance yourself from them. It is what my DM does and we are now very low contact because - not that she ever apologizes anyway - but every time she does something abhorrent she wants me to be able to “move past it” and for us to “start again”. And then she inevitably does something abhorrent.

*The thing is sometimes what you think you are angry about is not what you’re actually angry about. So maybe it’s not just your partner’s lack of communication in not telling you he was running late, maybe it’s that you’re always doing the cooking and he never bothers, maybe it’s that you feel he prioritizes his friends over you or he’s always scatty/is not good at communicating well. Whatever it is it’s worth taking some time to dig into your feelings and then waiting until you’re calm to explain why it’s frustrating and hurtful. His response will be indicative of whether the relationship has a future.

Also if the thing they do repeatedly is thoughtless but not disrespectful (eg not locking up), maybe you have to weigh up whether it’s a dealbreaker (are they lovely in every other way?) and put your heads together on a solution eg spend money on locks that self lock behind you as soon as you close the door so even if they don’t double lock it’s not as bad as it being literally left completely unlocked.

Probably one of things that have no ill intention behind it but feel hurtful to me none the less :(

Both examples you give are valid though, and if your current partner keeps being late without updating you, it would be fair to dump him on those grounds. Not all things should be moved past after bringing up, especially if the same thing keeps happening. That's having healthy boundaries.

Thank you.
i feel upset because my partner is upset about how i communicated with them about them being late and “kept going on” but I generally was hurt by them being late and not even contacting me and couldn’t just move on right away once they said sorry, it felt quite dismissive

Then I think you're choosing partners poorly if there are repeated instances of them doing things you've told them upset you, so maybe this is the 'pattern' you really need to try to stop repeating?

In my head though (rightly or wrongly I don’t even know at this stage) they are just saying sorry and then it has to be over and done with and I can’t continue to feel annoyed/upset and just have to move on. So then I really want them to understand why it’s bothered me so il keep talking about it.
When you said it the first time, why do you think he didn't understand?

There are ways to adapt to how others behave too. Keep doing the same, and you get the same results. So, bearing that in mind, I'd not be offering to cook for him unless he is already present at the time - in which case, a joint effort might be more fun. Can do takeaway other times.
I'd expect he'd reciprocate at some point and cook for me, might help him to understand that it's good to appreciate and be respectful of people's efforts.

Your post sounds like you really want to understand and get better, but at the same time you’ve not actually accepted that you really need to genuinely let things go, rather than just hide the fact that you’re still stewing over it.

Example: “… Their response was ok sorry won’t do it again(despite doing it again)“. You’re still miffed that they did it again.

People don’t do things to be mean or contrary, and they don’t do absent minded things by thinking “I should lock the door, but I can’t be arsed”. They walk out of the house, close the door, get distracted by a squirrel and then never think about the door again. Holding a grudge and hiding it is only marginally better than holding a grudge and showing it.

When this happens, maybe try consciously thinking “yes, that was annoying, but I’ve said it now and I choose to let it be in the past. It’s finished.”.

I think if you consider alternative ways of dealing with situations, maybe it will help you to not feel like nothing has come out of the situation and it's just brushed under the carpet. It might help you to get over it rather than stewing over it - which is probably what you are doing.
So next time something annoying happens, after telling once why it's not on, then think tactically about what you can do to avoid it happening again if possible. Don't give him the opportunity of a repeat.

Both your examples would be dealbreakers for me. The locking up one wouldn’t be if the other person took responsibility, set reminders for themselves, looked into different locks and just generally showed willingness to address the issue. If then were dismissive I would end it.

Being nearly two hours late for dinner you were cooking? I might forgive it in a friend if they were wonderful in other ways. No way I could cope with it in a partner, particularly if he didn’t bother to text until an hour in.

I wonder if you’re a bit like me OP…when I’m over explaining and struggling to leave an issue in the past it’s because I know deep down that I can’t get past it. I find it scary and upsetting to end relationships and step back from friends (because of past trauma) so I keep trying to ‘talk it through’ in the hope that the person can ‘say the right things’ and ‘fix it’.

It has never worked long term. If that’s what’s happening for you then trust yourself. If it’s a big enough problem that you can’t ‘move on’ together and then it’s ok to move on apart.

BTW do not announce to him that you won't be doing x,y,z in future because of his actions as that would come across as stubborn sulking or continued punishment- he doesn't need to know you are tactically avoiding it happening again🤐

Maybe the thing to say to them is “I keep going on because I don’t feel you’ve taken on board what I said in any meaningful way” and see what their response is.

I think because the just saying sorry alone doesn’t feel like they understand and is just easy to say

Yes that’s exactly it. And I know they may go on to show me in their actions but I would like to hear it with their words too