I recognise my bad patterns in relationships/communication…how do I change them?

[Rocwell]

please go easy on me as I’m really trying. But in all my signifant relationships I have been told the same thing, that during arguments I go on and on and talk down to them and don’t let things go. I really can see how I do that, what I think I’m doing is trying to explain how they’ve made me feel.

il give a recent example.
new partner was meant to come over around 5 and I was cooking dinner for us. didn’t hear from them and it got to 6 and they said they’re on their way (45mins away still) and had been catching up with a friend. I was annoyed at this as surely it’s only good manners to let someone know when you’re running late and I said that to them? They said ok sorry il make sure I let you know again, and that was it. In my head though (rightly or wrongly I don’t even know at this stage) they are just saying sorry and then it has to be over and done with and I can’t continue to feel annoyed/upset and just have to move on. So then I really want them to understand why it’s bothered me so il keep talking about it.

sounds trivial but this could be anything.

another example is ex partner who left front for unlocked a few times when going out to work and I came home to house lying unlocked. Their response was ok sorry won’t do it again(despite doing it again) whereas I really wanted them to know the importance of locking the door but then I come across as a nag.

i know I probably do go on a bit and I’ve thought about it a lot and I think it comes from always feeling misunderstood as a child and being encouraged by my mum to just get on with things and not voice when you’re bothered or someone has hurt you, my family also never said sorry and just got on as if the thing never happened which always felt strange to me as I was feeling so upset inside but wasn’t able to voice it or resolve it with the person and have my feelings acknowledged.

i don’t want to push my new partner away but I really struggle to get out of that cycle when I’m in it and automatically go into “I just want you to understand how that made me feel” mode

all my significant partners always seem to be the type who say “well I said sorry now let’s move on, you’ve not letting us move on”. Is that genuinely just the way everyone does it and the healthy way to do it?

ive lost perspective on this and want to change.

Well yes the door unlocked thing of course I was miffed that a person in their 30s and a parent to young children could do this time and time again. I’m not miffed about this still years on but as an example then yeah that did bother me a lot

Do you feel like you expressed it clearly the first time? Did you tell (and show) him how annoyed you were and explain why before he apologised? Or is it all about him not listening properly - in which case it's on him?

I feel you. I think people in general don't value our boundries anymore. To me it also fell like half-assed apologies - and get over it now. Move on. But they do not know how we feel, and if we try and explain, we are looking to start a fight. So i have started writing letters to them instead. That takes the "fight" out of the moment, and they can take their time to read how they made you feel. Maybe it will sink in better?

When someone goes on and on about something it actually lessens the impact of what they are saying and people zone out or just agree to shut them up. It's also very needy.

If you have a discussion and your partner apologies they are acknowledging that they were inconsiderate, that you're upset etc. After an apology if you still feel they haven't understood say something like "thank you for the apology, I appreciate it as xxx made me feel yyy. Make this a short statement then draw a line and move on. Most people understand the implications without being made to repeat it back or dwell on it forever so this shouldn't be necessary other than for your own closure.

"Yes, sorry, I get it".

That should be more than enough and as you say, hopefully they'll go on to show in their actions that it's sunk in.

But my ex husband wouldn't let things drop and it was very patronising.

The more 'lectures' (as that's what it felt like) he gave, the quicker I switched off and stopped listening.

It was all about him and most people don't act like that.

I'm not sure how old your kids are but if they're not already teens, they'll be switching off too if you do this to them.

I agree with others, it’s one of those things where you just have to make your point and then let it go. Adults don’t need or want to be lectured at, and if it’s a one off like the example of current partner forgetting to text to let you know, just letting them know you’d appreciate a text next time and them agreeing & saying sorry IS enough.

I’ve definitely done this over the years to my husband, just totally forgotten or got distracted and forgot to let him know I’ll be later than planned. I don’t need a lecture when I get home over a simple mistake. If I was doing it every day then yeah my husband would be totally right to consider whether the relationship is right for him. Nobody wants to be with someone who is flakey and unreliable. But as a one off mistake which I’ve acknowledge and apologised for I don’t need to hear about it for the rest of the night. My husband knows my apology is genuine, he knows its unusual for me to do this and that I’d never do it intentionally, sometime you do just lose track of time and forget, I’m only human. So he would just let this go and so would I vice versa.

@Rocwell I am thinking the same as @PennyFarthingRider. We often think we will choose a partner that is different from the parent-child dynamic we grow up with. However, we often end up choosing the same because overwhelmingly, we will often subconsciously choose what is familiar to us rather than what is healthy. So, when you meet your future partner, there is often something about them that feels familiar, often misconstrued as then feeling ‘safe’ when in reality, you are subconsciously repeating the dynamic with them and wanting to fix with them what you can’t fix in your childhood. It’s very deep rooted and the cycle is hard to break. It’s not coincidence that you seem to choose partners who seem to dismiss your feelings and worries. Therapy (and a lot of self-awareness and hard work) will help you unravel all of that. Good luck.

Ha. I’m in my fifties, I’ve had (and very successfully raised) two children, I have a successful career and I’m in general highly capable.

I can’t remember stuff for toffee, though. I lose my keys, can’t track where my glasses are, leave the garage door open, all the time.

You’re somebody who’s good at remembering stuff like that. Great. We’re all different - by the sounds of things you really struggle to not piss people off, and frankly, I’d rather be absent minded. 😃

Lol thanks 👍

I am the same as you. There's something I need from the apology and if I don't get it I can't quite get over it. I need a little more than just the word. Not much more though. Sorry I'm late, I shouldn't keep you waiting will have me saying it's fine and moving on. Just sorry feels like they're saying it because they should.
Sorry I stood on your foot, are you ok? Vs oops sorry etc.

Yea it’s strange isn’t it. A wee line like that makes all the difference to me

He knows full well that being nearly two hours late is rude. I think the reason you struggled to accept his apology is because you know it’s not about the timing or his friend but his disrespect.

My abusive ex claimed he would forget to lock the door. But he never forgot to lock his car or his business premises. I’ve seen plenty of threads on here about similar men and their inability to use a key.

I don’t really value apologies a lot of the time, they are often pretty meaningless. I value understanding and acknowledging if there was an issue and then a change in behaviour if that is what is needed. I also am happy enough to allow people to have their flaws, god knows I have enough of them myself but if someone repeatedly mistreats me (like not showing up for 2 hours for a planned dinner or similar) I don’t try to fix that. Like another poster I used to hold on to all sorts of relationships well past a reasonable level of input from me but I’ve stopped doing that.

Thanks everyone for your words. Honestly I know I need to do a lot of work on myself, I don’t want to make anyone feel talked down to or like a child and I wouldn’t like it either.
i think for me it’s easy to say oh that’s ok, thanks for apologising but inside I’m still annoyed and it’s hard for me then to just ‘act normal’ when I’m still pissed off say about the dinner thing.
When your partner upsets you/annoys you and then says sorry don’t just automatically feel ok with that and be able to move on? Like surely I’m not the only one that an apology doesn’t suddenly switch off whatever feelings the issue raised in me?

surely I’m not the only one that an apology doesn’t suddenly switch off whatever feelings the issue raised

My partner very rarely upsets or annoys me. If he was late and forgot to contact me, he'd apologise himself as soon as he realised. His apology would include an unprompted, accurate acknowledgement of why I must feel annoyed, without my telling him.

On the rare occasion that he's annoyed me without realising, I have immediately told him how annoyed I am and why. As soon as I've said this, he's either defended his actions with a good explanation, or shown clearly that he understands why I'm annoyed, been properly apologetic and offered to make up for it somehow. After that, if he repeated the annoying behaviour, he wouldn't need telling why I was annoyed a second time.

His apologies are sincere and thorough, and afterwards I don't feel upset; I feel understood and reassured.

That is literally all I am looking for. He sounds like a great partner.

my current and probably most of my precious partners do not apologise spontaneously, it takes prompting and explanation. Even the being late thing, my partner just rang to say they were on their way and got caught up with a friend, no apology or understanding that that might have bothered me standing waiting to cook the dinnrr

But is it possible that there are little things that are triggering bigger emotions and upsets, and maybe that’s what you need to work on?

Taking your late home as an example. If that was my partner and it’s a one off, he’s got caught up, time got away from him, it’s a genuine mistake and he’s gotten home and said “Sorry I’m late, I got caught in a chat and totally forgot to let you know”. Yes I’d be a bit frustrated that he’s late with no warning but it’s such a small thing, it’s not something I’d be so upset about to need any huge explanation or rambling apology. Time gets away from all of us at times, it’s happened to me, so yeah I’d just move on and there would be no great upset.

It does sound like @PennyFarthingRider and @TwoBoysTooMany76 may be offering the advice you need.

My ex was inconsiderate (frequently very late without warning) and unable to apologise. He thought I was nagging if I complained once, not even a second time. I put up with this far too long, perhaps because as I was growing up, there was a lot I just had to put up with. My related low self-esteem meant I questioned my behaviour more than his.
My current partner has been an absolute revelation. I feel like a nicer person.

I was thinking about your thread and I googled "what makes a good apology". A proper apology acknowledges responsibility and acknowledges your feelings, it isn't simply saying the word sorry. I don't think what you are asking for is unreasonable - an apology like that would probably mean that you did feel that your feelings were heard and could then move on. Simply saying the word sorry is empty. Does that make sense to you?

This. It might be that you do not feel validated by them in general and arguments are just the instances that reflect your feelings in a pattern. Worth looking at the relationships as a whole and why some of the relationships ended

Are you parent? because with kids the mantra usually is 'pick your battles' just no point reacting to something so minor that could then cause a massive issue, like when you have an overtired child before bed etc.

Similar has to apply in relationships, my ex would harp on about the most absolutely inconsequential stuff, like take it to argument level for absolutely no reason, scream at me for not emptying the dishwasher or something, which to me I'd say oh yes forgot about that, sorry, so much on my mind today, it's 2 mins I'll do it now. It really doesn't have to take all flipping evening on the subject & the sort of argument ensues akin to the one you'd imagine if I've slept with you best friend.

Gets very wearing.

I'm you!

For me, it's fairness, honesty and being able to admit when something has been done.

I don't think, personally, it's what has been done. It's the fact of 'I treat you with respect, care and kindness and you aren't showing it back'. It's horrible bringing something up that has upset you and to get a wishy washy sorry, a sorry that would be used for something small that is just a day to day mistake e.g. 'ah shit, sorry, forgot to turn dishwasher on'. When it's something bigger, I want understanding and respect back to me to acknowledge that my feelings have been hurt for example. I don't want a 'yeah, sorry' whilst he's clearly not really listening and bothered. I would want the same back as I would do if the shoe was on the other foot. Maybe a quick discussion about what can be done differently e.g. if you're going out with your friends, we won't arrange anything afterwards. Something like that. I don't want a half hearted apology, I want to know that my feelings have been considered and understood, as I would have done.

@Rocwell when you mess up (because everyone does), how do you apologise? How long do you allow the other person to be cross? How do you react to long speeches about hurt feelings and what not?