Accepting my marriage is over

[abcdmyusername]

Don't really have anyone to talk to so looking for a hand hold on here I guess

Been together 6 years married just 1. Got two kids age 5 and 3. Been having issues for a couple years but we always put it down to exhaustion raising a family. He works full time, some weekends and has to go on call. I'm a SAHM.

Feel like my husband has just checked out. I like to think we're good at communicating - we don't fight but sit and talk openly with each other. We've been saying for a few months now we want to work at it and both want to put the work in but I'm getting nothing from him. He's not affectionate anymore, sex is awkward and emotionless, he won't sort anything out for us to do such as date nights, or days.

Last night we were kissing in bed and he said he wanted a shower before doing anything, when he came back into the room he just got into bed and rolled over and went to sleep. I've never felt so invisible.

I don't want my marriage to end but god why am I finding myself in a position where I'm having to throw myself at my husband for some love and attention? I'm only 30 years old. I don't want this to be my life.

It's got to a point where I'm vigorously working out to try and look good for him, wearing makeup and trying to wear nice clothes everyday. I feel so pathetic.

Really need some support right now - even if it's strangers online I just feel so lonely.

It might not be you, but him. I know it’s easy to say but please try not to personalise for the moment.

Is he preoccupied elsewhere? Any stressors?

I would recommend going to dinner or similar, so he doesn’t feel pressured into intimacy. Slow it down.

I don't know. Just yesterday I asked him if he was alright, if he felt worried about anything because he had been quiet but he said he was just tired

I haven't posted on here in weeks. But thanks for calling me out when I'm in an emotional pit this morning. Jesus Christ this site.

Do you ever arrange to do date nights or do you see that as something just a man should do?

You’re a SAHM, he has all the financial responsibility for the family in a time when it’s increasingly hard to make ends meet.

Also it looks like you were together 3ish months before you got pregnant? This wouldn’t be the first relationship to fail once the intensity of small babies passes.

I’m sure you’re both exhausted, but maybe he feels some resentment that you’re a SAHM. Some men just don’t see what a full-time job that is.

I think you have to make it clear how you’re feeling and that this is very important. Choose a quiet unstressed moment — plan ahead if necessary and set a time when the children will be out or asleep.

Sending you a hug, OP. I hope things work out well.

I don't think so - we both do our bit so there's no power struggles. He works very hard and as do I and we acknowledge that about each other. He works, plays golf on the weekend then we do something together as a family. I take care of everything else because I want to take pressure off him - I can't imagine the financial stress he must feel at times.

He has put on weight recently and mentions almost daily that he's fat and almost obsesses over old pictures of himself - I try and tell him to just start working out but he won't. He just wants to drink beer on the sofa and watch tv

Yeah everything happened very fast! No, it's me that arranges dates but we haven't had any lately because of lack of childcare. I've been mentioning it this week as his parents are back in town but he's not shown an interest. I don't know if it's me or if he's depressed or what

With your update about his current insecurities with the way he looks, I think that is what it is about and not about him not being attracted to you.

Ask him the question.

Thank you. I really hope so. We both want breaks you know? Ugh being grown up is so tough

He sounds depressed to me, get him to the docs and try some meds...may make the world of difference

Could be try another hobby to help with weight loss if that's bugging him, running? Cross fit ? Football group? Do you cook healthy for him / make his lunch? Not saying you should but I'm a sahm and do the cooking apart from weekend when my husband gets down about putting on some weight I really try and make healthy but high protein / filling stuff I know he appreciates it x

Yeah we eat well, lots of protein, veggies etc. I buy low cal snacks. He used to play football but stopped when we had our second baby as my parents aren't in the picture and his parents used to live 2 hours away so I needed help. He used to run frequently as well but stopped and I don't know the reason - I ask him about starting up again and he won't.

It didn't occur to me that he could be depressed - but what do I do if he doesn't want to go and do anything?

Sounds like it could be depression, my DH has been through periods of depression too. It’s tough on the relationship. You have to realise it’s really not about you it’s about them.

My DH has never been to the Doctors as he refuses. But we’ve both made changes to diet and work life balance and it’s been better for a good while now.

Is there anyone who can have your youngest for a day whilst the oldest is at school? We’ve found that taking a days annual leave and having a date day has been much easier whilst our kids are little. Were not then both exhausted from working all day and then trying to find the energy to go out.

You have to sit down and talk to him - say you understand you both want to "work at it" but when is the work going to start? It might be just a blip and you can pull it back but proper communication and affection has to be there or it isn't going to work.

So he's given up all hobbies because of lack of childcare (can you not watch the kids while he plays football?), works a hell of a lot to support the family, there's never any date nights or anything?

He's stressed. It's that simple.

Yes, of course I can watch my children. But we also both need breaks. I have never told him to stop his hobbies. I think I'm extremely understanding to look after the children every day and then he goes to play 18 holes of golf on a Saturday or play football then go down the pub. With no parents in the frame and no break for myself.

It's so much more than 'he's stressed, simple.'

Oh that's a good idea, thank you!

Aren't your kids at school and nursery now? Do you not get a break then? Presumably you do if you have time to work out vigorously.

No my 3 year old hasn't started nursery yet. And I get up at 5am.

@abcdmyusername you clearly resent the fact you're watching the children, is there a possibility of getting childcare end you going to work? So that he can cut down his hours and you both get some break time?

You're doing a lot by always looking after the children but by your own admission he works full time, overtime and sometimes weekends. That's a lot for one person without a family.

Agreed. Plus the 3 yr old could go to preschool now, and will then be at school in not.much time at all.

Yes getting the 3 year old into nursery should be a priority, if only to ease the load at home.

But if working as much as the husband does is causing such a strain, OP needs to find work.