Accepting my marriage is over

[abcdmyusername]

Don't really have anyone to talk to so looking for a hand hold on here I guess

Been together 6 years married just 1. Got two kids age 5 and 3. Been having issues for a couple years but we always put it down to exhaustion raising a family. He works full time, some weekends and has to go on call. I'm a SAHM.

Feel like my husband has just checked out. I like to think we're good at communicating - we don't fight but sit and talk openly with each other. We've been saying for a few months now we want to work at it and both want to put the work in but I'm getting nothing from him. He's not affectionate anymore, sex is awkward and emotionless, he won't sort anything out for us to do such as date nights, or days.

Last night we were kissing in bed and he said he wanted a shower before doing anything, when he came back into the room he just got into bed and rolled over and went to sleep. I've never felt so invisible.

I don't want my marriage to end but god why am I finding myself in a position where I'm having to throw myself at my husband for some love and attention? I'm only 30 years old. I don't want this to be my life.

It's got to a point where I'm vigorously working out to try and look good for him, wearing makeup and trying to wear nice clothes everyday. I feel so pathetic.

Really need some support right now - even if it's strangers online I just feel so lonely.

He sounds depressed to me. It could be stress induced, coupled with the lack of exercise, weight gain, loss of libido and financial burden, it’s hardly surprising. I think you need to lay off him a bit for now with the pressure to perform sexually and just go for no pressure intimacy, like hugs/holding hands, etc. Also, calm down with the getting uber dolled up every day and be your natural, usual self. If he’s feeling bad about his appearance, you being extra might be making him feel even more inadequate. That doesn’t mean you should make no effort or deliberately make yourself look bad, but just be your normal, relaxed self. Go back to how you behaved before you started putting in the daily extra effort. It’s also not making you feel good anyway because it feels forced. So stop forcing it and just be you.

You could sit down with him and tell him that you really love him and that you are concerned because he seems depressed. Tell him you’d like him to consider speaking with a counsellor and to try to do some exercise again. Exercise provides a massive endorphin release and he’s stopped that. So it could be making a huge difference. It’s also prob why he’s gained weight. The weight gain sounds like it’s lowered his self esteem and in turn his libido.

If he won’t do it, ask him to see the GP then. Give him a week to think about what he’s going to do. If nothing happens after a week bring it up again gently and say that you really need him to make steps to sort this out because you are worried and it’s affecting your relationship. Tell him that you support him 100% and you love him no matter what but this is not something he can ignore for his sake or the sake of your family. You need a happy and healthy husband and your children need a happy and healthy dad.

Make some lifestyle changes where you can. Eat healthy foods. Load up on veggies at dinner. Have plenty protein. Cut out the snacking. Cut out the beer, (alcohol exacerbates depression) at least until he’s back on track. Get exercising, even if it’s just a short daily walk atm. Do it together if you can. Try to get as much sleep as possible each night and at around the same time. Routine is important. Be loving and compliment him. Point out his good qualities as a man, husband and father. Tell him how much you appreciate him and everything he does for your family. Encourage him to talk about how he’s feeling and really listen. Don’t try to fix him or have an answer to everything. Just listen to him and tell him you love him. Hopefully you can work through this together and get back on track.

All these responses are astonishing. The poor lamb is working hard, depressed and stressed and you're turning yourself inside out trying to make him fancy you. You will make yourself seriously ill by trying to turn yourself into someone he notices and fancies. Effort has to come from both sides to make a marriage work and he's not acknowledging that there's issues or doing anything to address them. That said, I'd say you barely know this man. You were pregnant so soon after meeting him that you barely had time to get to know each other properly. You could well be completely incompatible and the cracks are starting to now show.

By OP's own admission he's working full time, overtime and sometimes weekends. That would be a lot for anyone to cope with, without the added burden of being the only one working to keep the family afloat financially.

If OP were to get a job he could probably cut back his hours. The three year old could go to nursery or a childminder, to ease OP's load.

It must be so hard if you come back from a long day at work, have a kiss and a cuddle, say you're not in the mood (which is valid and it's okay for a man to say no) just to then have your wife turn around and say the marriage is over. That's very juvenile.

OP also very clearly resents her husband getting a break - she's said so.

The easiest solution is to get the children into some form of childcare, get OP into work and let her husband reduce his hours to ease the collective burden.

Nothing you've said sounds like the marriage is over. It actually sounds pretty common. Parents to young kids get exhausted and stressed. He's working long hours, over-time, weekends, and you're doing all the domestic stuff single handedly. It's not surprising that romance isn't high on the agenda.
We went through a similar phase when the children were younger. I felt like we were in survival mode for several years. We were parents, not really partners for a while
Now that the kids are older, our relationship has never been better. We have a lot more time to spend together, and our sex life is back on track. I really wouldn't throw your marriage away, especially if you posted recently about how good your marriage was. You need to weather the storm and come out stronger.

Completely that. You have had a lot of life change, it is a lot of hard work and stress for you both. You are clearly handling that in a more balanced way than your DH. Completely empathise with how you feel, intimacy is so important to most people as a way of confirming their love for you. However you need to create a space for him to be able to do that. He is lucky to have that golf time and perhaps should appreciate that it sounds like you get your workout breaks by sacrificing valuable sleep. The only way you resolve this is calm talk. It is about how he is feeling and not about his attraction to you. The only other thought i have is the shower thing. From what you say there is no suggestion of this, but could he be seeing someone else? Had been with her that day and therefore felt the need to shower? Was that behaviour very out of character? Is the long hours at work a new thing?

I don’t see any sign your marriage is over if he told you he wants to work on it! That conversation isn’t a magic answer - he won’t suddenly be a model dh .

I think pps are right - he’s in some kind of funk. The reality of two kids in rapid succession before you had established yourselves as a couple living together is a recipe for problems. It’s exhausting havin a young family. And with no relatives nearby even harder. Did you find that hard too? Have you been hard or easy to live with? Have you changed a lot since the babies arrived too?

id be talking to him about whether this is how he saw his life panning out and now he is here, what he sees the future looking like - should you return to work so he can be a more equal parent (does he want that?) if he’s honest with himself and you about what he wants, it might be very revealing. It might reveal has hasn’t a clue what he wants.

Men often say they want to work on it, but don’t really know how. You’ll have to take the lead if he’s clueless.

I wish people would stop trying to catch the OP out, she clearly has the burden of childcare and domestic work and it's hard to give the absolute full story in the first post so why do people have to try to be clever and catch her out.

I'm going to be the oldie on the thread who says " this is life with young kids". I find that there are so many people now who are all about the hen nights, the weddings, the honeymoon , the baby etc that when it gets down to the nitty gritty of everyday life than yes it can be shit and can be hard. It can be boring. You say he works a great deal so yes it will be tiring and yes it is hard when you are responsible for providing for a family. Kids are hard work and do change relationships often negatively. You do need to communicate about this - how you feel, how he feels and I think if you can get an acknowledgment that you are both struggling a bit at the moment then that is a huge step.

And her husband works all hours god sends and barely has a break?

I think he's very stressed and also some of the things you mentioned about him feeling fat and you telling him to work out then may really have hurt as in that moment he might have felt shit and just wanted that well I still think you're gorgeous reassurance especially if he's in a funk . Buying the protein and low calorie snack foods might also be making him feel like you are telling him he needs to loose weight . You are working out and dolling yourself up for him but what if he feels this is you potentially looking to move on .

I know some on this might sound daft but I'm looking at this from if I was in his shoes and honestly I'd be feeling stressed, really down and insecure. Before I'm flamed I'm not saying it's your job to make him better but certainly understanding how your actions could be impacting him might help you get back in an even keel .

I know just mean those trying to trip her up for no particular reason.

@Tittyfilarious I think this is insightful - if he’s feeling bad about his weight, depressed - then the more alluring OP appears the worse he may feel. She’s emerging like a butterfly from the experience of motherhood and he is feeling ground down by the realities of family life?

I think he needs lots of love and reassurance and support. And patience. A marriage is definitely a marathon, not just a boring flat one round the streets of London, but one in rough terrain in all kinds of weather. And OP and her dh set off on this marathon in flip-flops with a picnic in a nylon backback and now they’re on a steep stretch in driving rain and it’s bloody harder than they expected. It’s always bloody harder than anyone expects.

@Tittyfilarious I totally agree

Mine refused to get help until it was too late and caused us lots of problems. Now, he has tried some medication he said he can't believe the difference and he wishes I had forced him to the doc...book an appointment for him, get him there...he said even under false pretenses. This wouldn't have gone down well at the time though. Maybe talk and tell him you will book the appointment as he needs to see a doc to see if doc agrees he is depressed. Suggest you can go with him, or not ,his choice.