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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Weird phone behaviour

61 replies

Dodgybehaviour6666 · 10/10/2024 23:19

I dont live with my bf. Together over 4 years. He's started turning his phone off when he's at mine and pretending it's dead. One morning I put it on charge as he hadn't bothered and it was already on 98%. He had missed calls and texts.
He's only just recently unblocked me on WhatsApp due to a similar event several months ago where he was not answering my messages but what online on WhatsApp.

Today he went home after 2 days at mine with his phone off. I messaged him at 8am. No reply. Went on my break at work. He was on WhatsApp. All day this has been the case. Usually he calls me at 3pm when I walk home from work. Today he didn't. I heard nothing for an hour. He claimed he'd been out for a couple of things. Usually he would say if he had gone out. This evening he's barely engaged with me. So I've asked him
He claims he's been messaging his adult daughter all day. He's still online now. I called him and he hung up and he's gone straight back on WhatsApp after we had a small disagreement about his lack of interest in me today.

He's usually in bed asleep by 9pm.

I am not demanding of his attention at all. But he goes out of his way to tell me he doesn't talk to anyone etc.

What would you think? He has no friends he keeps in touch with and has a history of cheating online in his last relationship.

OP posts:

The13thFairy · 11/10/2024 13:37

It looks like this relationship has run its course. It happens and it's sad, but gather your dignity and move on. I think you know that he already has. Few things lasts for ever. There's a whole world out there ~ go and explore. Best wishes.

Seaoftroubles · 11/10/2024 13:47

Been there OP, hes lying and talking to someone. You might well find he's on dating sites too and their chats have progressed to WhatsApp. Dump him and move on, you will drive yourself mad otherwise.

Lucytheloose · 11/10/2024 14:18

I'd think history was repeating itself, but I wouldn't waste time and energy trying to prove it. Is a man with no friends and a known propensity to cheat really worth all this effort?

Userengage · 11/10/2024 14:57

This sounds exhausting. Put your energy into something positive and dump him.

Mmhmmn · 11/10/2024 15:42

Your internal warning lights are flashing but you're ignoring them. Why?

Him blocking you on whatsapp before was a clear point at which to dump him and not go back.

You just cannot be this obsessed with someone's activity on Whatsapp - regardless of whether he's cheating or not. If you feel this uncertain in a relationship, it's a sign that the person is simply bad for you. It's obviously destabilising you and causing obsessive and compulsive behaviour. That's not who you want to be is it? If you can't trust him (and who would based on that behaviour), what is the point?

Doggymummar · 11/10/2024 15:46

How can you know how and when someone was online on WhatsApp? Mine doesn't show me that information, is it a setting or something?

Thepollonator · 11/10/2024 23:20

Doggymummar · 11/10/2024 15:46

How can you know how and when someone was online on WhatsApp? Mine doesn't show me that information, is it a setting or something?

Edited

Because it comes up on the top of your screen when you click onto their name, it will say 'online' or say 'last seen at 10 am' for example. Not too sure about any setting though, sorry.

Pinkbonbon · 11/10/2024 23:59

There will be a night in future he's very clear about wanting to himself.

Eg: it's Tuesday but he makes a big song and a dance of 'i'll see you Thursday'. Deliberately bypassing Wednesday or telling you he's reaaaaaly busy Wednesday.

Go round his house on that Wednesday. Say... 9pm.

You'll find him with the other woman.

Sunrise1815 · 14/10/2024 02:16

The patterns of behaviour are similar to my partner who has a history of online cheating. For around two years this was a major problem in our relationship. I found out by accident, as you often do with these things. At it's worst, (August 2023) she was very distant and preoccupied with her phone almost 24/7. Blazing row followed, break up, she went to pieces, we got back together.

Not sure why we got back together. Emotional investment. I didn't want to be on my own. Not sure. The sexting with other men continued periodically, however. It's an attention addiction. To my detriment, I did turn a blind eye to some of it, hoping it would dissipate. Two years on, it's not such an issue, although I am still preoccupied with who she's messaging.

I would advise to get out to save your sanity but I decided to stay. Whatever you decide, it'll be a difficult choice.

Moanyoldmoan · 15/10/2024 23:11

He’s getting prepared to discard you for a new supply. My ex’s behaviour mirrored this at the end when I was in the final discard phase

cassy16 · 15/10/2024 23:22

mate in all honesty you need to get rid

Private1980 · 16/10/2024 00:34

Dodgybehaviour6666 · 10/10/2024 23:19

He's usually in bed asleep by 9pm.

I am not demanding of his attention at all. But he goes out of his way to tell me he doesn't talk to anyone etc.

What would you think? He has no friends he keeps in touch with and has a history of cheating online in his last relationship.

Red flags I'm afraid definitely cheating there's only 1 reason you do that and it's to hide the ow trust me I hope you find someone worthy of you

SolOlly · 16/10/2024 03:45

“I would disengage completely. I am sorry OP but it does sound like there is another woman. Blocking you previously from whatsapp is a huge red flag. No friends, no job, poor communication and untrustworthy. Madness lies in watching for online on whatsapp. I have done it before too and then realised that if someone is making me do that then it is already broken
As hard as it is now I wouldn't contact him in any way. Leave him to it.“

I agree with pp^… good advice… my daughter was in a very similar situation and drove herself crazy checking all his comings and going’s online… if a guy is making you feel like you need to do this and that you’re the problem he needs to be dumped soon as

Original poster

Dodgybehaviour6666 · 16/10/2024 05:25

Thanks all. I haven't seen him for a few days now. He's been falling asleep in the afternoons. Waking up just before I go to bed. Then he's on WhatsApp for an hour or so the last 2 nights. I'm trying to disengage. He's made a big show the last few days about how without me he has nothing. He's tried to show me this and that. He is in love with me and there's nobody else for him. But it's clear with his actions that's not the case. He was supposed to come to see me today but I left it on a sarcastic note last night when I messaged him at 8.50 and he was on WhatsApp last at 8.55 then didn't reply to me for an hour. So it's happening all the time. Everytime I point it out to him He's making me feel I'm controlling stalking and paranoid. But he's making a clear choice and there's only so much I can believe in it being his daughter!

OP posts:

Original poster

Dodgybehaviour6666 · 16/10/2024 05:28

I'm off to work shortly so hopefully that will distract me from the disappointment that he's never awake and functioning when I am.

OP posts:

YourDearCat · 16/10/2024 05:36

Move on. He is clearly not committed to you. The only person that is getting hurt right now is you. As hard as it may seem , step away and open new doors. You are clearly making an effort and this is playing into his hands. Don't be hard on yourself though. It is his loss and he will realise that when it's too late. Good luck. X

YellowPolkaDotBikini1980 · 16/10/2024 05:47

He doesn't Iike you. He just likes the things that you do for him. He's unemployed, I bet you pay for things/give him money. He doesn't have friends, so I bet he likes the attention from you. I'm assuming you're having sex, he likes getting that for free too.

He doesn't like you but keeps you around for the benefits.

We know he doesn't like you, because the way he treats you is not the way a person treats someone they like (blocking, ignoring etc.).

So even if he is not cheating (he is, though) get rid.

Elasticatedtrousers · 16/10/2024 06:40

@Dodgybehaviour6666 why on earth are you with this man?

He sounds AWFUL. Just hideous.

He’s clearly engaged in some shady behaviour. Cheaters cheat. He has history of it and he clearly never did anything to become a safe partner.

I rarely use the phrase ‘raise you bar’ but seriously you need to raise your bar. He is nasty and you are struggling with hypervigilance and anxiety because of this.

Get away from him. You deserve better.

BabyCloud · 16/10/2024 06:51

Either way you don’t trust him so I see little point in continuing the relationship.

SortingItOut · 16/10/2024 07:18

Do you believe he is falling asleep every afternoon?
How do you know he isn't out seeing someone?

If he really wanted to see you he would, he could set an alarm or just not go to sleep but he's doing this so he doesn't have to see you.

Why don't you just end it?
Him making these big declarations is him trying to keep you sweet while he sees if he can be with this new person he is chatting to and seeing.

Dawny221 · 16/10/2024 07:32

He sounds a catch! 😳

Kazzybingbong · 16/10/2024 08:05

My ex FIL was having an affair and my MIL knew because he was online on WhatsApp for hours when he was upstairs in bed.

Your boyfriend is acting like a 19 year old boy, why are you still with him? It doesn’t sound like a great relationship.

EG94 · 16/10/2024 08:13

Firstly all those saying you’re crazy and it’s stalking clearly have no fucking idea what it’s like to be made to feel like your going insane that your trying to prove to yourself that you’re not. How very fortunate for them!

you see a problem, you’ve tried to communicate it, he either refuses communication or denies it’s a problem and attacks you so you’re trying to show reason logic and facts to back up your thoughts because you’re dealing with someone who has I think abusive tendencies. Inability to communicate, gas lighting, lying etc etc

you are NOT crazy, trust your gut and cut this guy off. He is not good for you, you don’t match and in a few weeks of you being out the picture you will have definitive proof you weren’t crazy when the “daughter” turns out to be his bit on the side.

block, delete, move on

Swiftie1878 · 16/10/2024 08:14

I’m sorry, but it sounds like you’ve lost the plot! You shouldn’t be checking people’s ’online’ times and stalking their activity like this.
If he’s not making you happy due to lack of care and attention, then leave him. Don’t become some sort of crazy woman. It undermines your dignity.

2Old2Tango · 16/10/2024 08:18

Please OP, raise your bar. He's disinterested, he's not working, he can't be arsed to message or call you. What are you getting out of this 'relationship'?

You don't sound compatible with each other. Don't stay with him "because it's been over 4 years". Find someone who has time to invest in a relationship. This man isn't the one.

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