DP and social media

[Needachange02]

DP has a TikTok account that he set up recently. He sent me a video today and I had a look on his account.

He is following an account called gothic brat, along with a couple of other accounts of women who I estimate are late 20’s/early 30’s. Women on there to just get the likes and comments from men, showing their cleavage, dressed in an overly sexy way.

Obviously that is their choice, I have no issue with the women on the accounts.

Just why though? It’s disrespectful. Surely he knows that I will see this.

TBF to him, he does have good moral values.

Err…

So - me as a woman occasionally looking on Insta at younger athletic men flexing their muscles, dancing or lifting weights - is perving in your world view?
Are you about to tell me that as a 40-50 yo woman I am supposed to block out anything/anyone on SM who is you get than me?
Or is it only perving when men do it?

There is a huge difference between looking at SM and actively contacting and pursuing.

SM is everywhere - and scrolling through it is harmless. If OP wants to make a huge deal about it - its her choice, really. But she will not be happy in any relationship unless she faces her insecurities about aging - as we all have to.

Yes - I am no longer ‘young’. And of course - younger bodies look more attractive than mature bodies. But admitting it does not need to lead to the fear that your 40yo partner will leave you for a 20yo.

I don't imagine myself in bed with a hunky firefighter on TikTok. But telling me i shouldn’t find their videos entertaining is some sort of weird victorian censorship.

That's a very sweeping statement that comes from your own experience. Others will have completely different experiences.

I think the main difference is that you, a woman, are considered to not be pervy and sad but a man doing exactly the same, is

its the mumsnet way

Well it wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me tbh, but you have your own bar so only you can decide

My experience is still valid. Many will understand. Many will not.

A lot of men are like this unfortunately, then they get annoyed you're spying even though its public for all to see. It ruined my marriage that my exh was like this, although he'd target local young women, ex boyfriend also the same, apparently it's my fault for being jealous not his dodgy disrespectful behaviour, I'm single and can't be bothered with a relationship anymore.

Yep you must be so "insecure", that plus the spying is ruining the relationship.. no his behaviour is.

@jsku You have your boundaries, we have ours.

@Disturbia81

Its not about boundaries. Its about being controlling and using your insecurities as some an excuse.

And you still have not explained how I am perving and being disrespectful to my age-appropriate partner, if I watch a hot brazilian guy dance at Carnival.… Or videos of Italian and Spanish policemen…. etc.
Should my partner stalk my SM usage, make a jealous scene and leave?
Because I am clearly looking to cheat?!?

And if the reverse sounds ridiculous - maybe, just maybe some woman on here will stop and think. And decide what is important in a relationship - and what is completely irrational and unrealistic.

Hoping that your partner will never look at another female - online or in real life - and find them attractive is not a realistic boundary anyone should have. And if you do - then there is no point to have a relationship as you will be disappointed.
Like the poster on here who destroyed her marriage and a relationship over something similar - but would not question why she is so insecure.

No sorry you won't change mine or anyone elses mind. We all have different red flags and that's okay.
There are plenty of men and women who don't do this. I have zero interest in following "attractive" randomers.

Ok so to clarify, I am not insecure in the relationship. Nor do I want to control what DP chooses to view on the internet.
And yes, of course I look at a person on social media and think they are attractive.

The difference is I don’t then go on to follow them if their content is of an overtly, sexual thirst trap nature.

I’ve spoken with DP about this and he has acknowledged my feelings and unfollowed the accounts.

I looked at his following list because we have similar humour and interests, hence him sending me a video as referred in my OP, and thought there may be accounts I’d like to follow

I am not going to end the relationship over this as he understands how it has made me feel and our relationship is otherwise good.

Have you asked him why he follows them?

He says he didn’t realise he was, that he had clicked on their profile pic. On TikTok the follow button is on the pic, so that is feasible.

He assured me that he has no interest in that kind of account, that a video of theirs that was probably some quote came up on his page and he looked at the account via the profile pic.

He wasn’t flustered or searching for a reason and was consistent throughout the two or three conversations we have had about this.

This thread reminds me of the threads on porn that pop up on MN every now and then.
‘My partner assures me he has no interest in such content’….
All this indicates is that he is a smart man who choses not to pick useless arguments and knows what you want to hear. In reality - you have no idea what is in his head.

OP - your post states issue is him following the account rather than looking in general? You do realise that if he wants to see sexual content t on SM - he does not need to follow the acconts?

@jsku as I’ve mentioned in previous post, I have no wish to control what he chooses to view. Of course I realise he can watch without following.

You've said you don't want to control it yet you've got him to unfollow them. He'd still be looking at them otherwise. Admit it OP, you don't like it and that's okay. He's just another sleaze and will find a way of regularly looking.

It was his choice to unfollow, I did not ask
him to do that.

I have openly said both on here and to DP that I don’t like it.

This honestly wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Messaging them, yuck no. Crosses a line. But looking at hot women he doesn't know on social media? Whatever. I know my partner follows a few women he fancies. I follow a few men I fancy. We've been together 20 years, we're good.

And no, I'm not a ' cool girl'. I just don't particularly care that my partner is attracted to other women.

But only because of your dislike towards it. He's revealed his true colours, and you are in for a life of insecurity.

What are you trying to achieve or convey here? That OP is controlling? or that all men are sleazes? What are you trying to help her realise?

The only way to deal with your kind of insecurity, OP, is to start by admitting it to yourself. And then examining it. And then, maybe realising that it is irrational.

You "just told him" you didn't like him following suggestive accounts. What exactly is the point of "telling" - if not to make him unfollow? We all know - if he didn't - you'd be resenting him.

You are a grown woman - so you understand that the "unfollowing" - is a completely pointless - because as you say it yourself - he "will be watching it without following it". Yet - you seem to want to engage in self-deception saying "he assured me he wasn't interested in this sort of content". Yet - he obviously clicked on some particular account to check it out. But - you want to believe he is not interested...

But the main point here - is why you have this urge to make sure he is not looking at other attractive women. And why you want to deceive yourself - that he is not interested in looking at other women.

This sort of jealousy is deeply rooted in all of us. Recognising and admitting it is not a weakness. But it is also far healthier to figure out how to not make it turn controlling and how not to let it destroy relationships.

Because - as natural as jealousy is - so it being a sexual person and finding many people attractive, while not chasing after everyone one finds attractive...

Sigh.... these men are tedious. So many creeps and letches out there. This sort of thing contributed to the end of my marriage OP, and as a result I would never EVER be with a grown man who follows/pervs on young women on social media. It speaks to their character and almost always goes hand in hand with deeper levels of misogyny. At a base level it's just disrespectful.

I should add - for me it was not "jealousy" as some are suggesting up thread. It was repulsion at the type of man I had chosen to share my life with, and be the father of my daughters. He was contributing to the world I feared my daughters being in. It does not make you "insecure" or "irrational" to be disgusted by disgusting behaviour so don't let any posters gaslight you.

@Sashya i an neither jealous nor insecure. Way too old for either of those emotions in a relationship. I have been in past relationships, and with good reason. And yes, I have done the work to enable me to recognise the difference between feeling in that way as opposed to feeling disrespected, which is how I was feeling.

Of course sexual attraction is natural, my objection was that he doesn’t need to place or so directly in my face by actually following the accounts.

@Jengat, thank you for your perspective.