Is the male neighbour harassing me,or is it something else?

[Aboutmaleneighbour]

Please for any men here to also comment. Please bear with me, it is a very long story, 1 year span of events.

A new male eighbour moved in our neighbourhood a year ago. He introduced himself to my husband, was friendly initially, asked my husband if he can help if anything happens to his house as he regularly goes away ( we live in a row of 3 cottages ) and gave his phone number. His almost always coming and going with different cars, although there is also one " regular" car we see him drive.
Digression: in between us is a younger female neighbour, who has a stalker(s), and we have no communication with her now, as she decided to erect an extension fence on our side, and she stopped saying even hello to my husband.Before that, we were hardly on just " hello" terms, as we found old rock solid dog poo chucked on our lawn overnight (over already high fence between us, at that stage), and her harasser decided to send a sordid message to her via a local community newsletter 2 years ago, that was put through our letterbox, instead of hers ( her name was clearly on the newsletter). Meanwhile, her dog died, because it was permanently shut indoors for 2 years, as she almost never took the dog for a walk, and it was a rescue dog. Her ex left her around that time 2 years ago and moved out, and she found a new boyfriend very quickly after,although continuing to live alone.

So when male new neighbour came,he initially communicated only with my husband. BUT, he decided to never say even " hello" to me and never introduce himself to me ( knowing full well I am the wife- my husband is much older than me, male neighbour is my age). So, I thought that is strange, especially as he asked my husband for favours. So to give him opportunity I went one day to empty rubbish, and in the car park there were 2 or 3 men fixing a car ( at this stage I did not know which one is the neighbour and which were the visitor friends helping him with the car). I looked briefly at all of them, but they all gave me just blank deadly serious looks, and no one said even hello. Just to say I am white, of foreign origin, with an accent. And I am certain that the new male neighbour knew this, as he must have heard me talking to my husband in the garden, where we spend a lot of time in summer. We all live in close proximity. At this stage I was livid, and thought this "non friendly attitude" is because of my ethnicity. We live in remote English countryside on a large estate, with a titled landlord ( hereditary peerage). Then I found out that male neighbour comes probably from a similar background, as he likes shooting wild animals for sport, and asked permission from our landlord to shoot on his land. (Also, I met his mother while I was on a country walk, by accident, a lady who had a very posh accent, and said she was his mother and visiting). The male neighbour bought the smaller property, at the end, while we and female neighbour are renters of larger parts. In the meantime, male neighbour asks my husband again a favour, can he take some garden slabs we have extra, and my husband and I decided to say yes, without asking for any compensation , even though he was unfriendly towards me. But,slabs remain uncollected from car park ever since. Just to say, I was not in any way physically attracted to this man. For some time, I was angry that I am discriminated, and gave no eye contact, or body language to him as a cue to communicate with me, in any way whatsoever. I just completely shut him off, because of this arrogant attitude. This guy said to my husband he works for mod and secret service ( this is true story, I am not inventing anything), and he knows my husband worked there in the past, and my husband is former SAS.
For more than 8 months, I never saw him speaking to our female neighbour at all at this stage. Then, over the period of time, I felt sorry for him, he seemed to live a very lonely life, and I did not want to be anti social completely, so 2 times only while in car park, I initiated a luke warm hello, just to ease off the awkwardness, acknowledge his presence, and it was always at the distance. But it was always on my initiative, which was annoying, but I thought at least I can do that, for the sake of neighbourly relations. Then suddenly, one day, I was gardening together with my husband ( I am housewife,my husband is retired), outside our property, he came up jogging with his dog. And I gave a friendly hello, but in return, I received ' a look' and and a bit "too friendly" hello, if you know what I mean, while he completely ignored my husband, not saying hello to him at all, or looking at him. This took both me and my husband by surprise. And we both talked later about this between us. Since then, I completely AGAIN shut this guy off, giving him no eye contact or body language that I want any kind of interaction with him whatsoever. In fact, I was doing my utmost not to find myself in his presence at all, and was turning my head away even if he passed us by his car, while we were in our car. He will still message my husband, appeared to ask for things, but my husband would give him only strained hellos from here onwards.

Then shooting happened. I had a lovely summer day with my husband, one day, in sunshine, we were chatting in the front garden, and then suddenly I saw the male neighbour with silencers and a shot gun, slowly walking away from our car park. A couple of minutes later, we both felt as if someone shot at us and missed us. It was so close,and loud, it scared the life out of me, I quite literally ran into the house immediately. My husband was a sniper in SAS, and he knows more about weapons than me, and he agreed this was very close. He then went and had, in the next 3 days, 3 separate talks with the male neighbour about this shooting. The neighbour first denied he fired the shots, but was apologetic, said he wants good neighbour relations, how he is always at the distance, has landlord permit to shoot on his land, blah blah. My husband did not tell him we actually him with the shot gun a few min before shots were fired. This is first time I thought him very weird, and something is odd with him.

So, at this stage, after more than 8 months into his moving in, he suddenly decides to befriend the female neighbour, and they hit it off, like they know each other for years. He carries her groceries, goes to her house when she is alone, organise extended family get togethers with her, while her new boyfriend is there as well. He also continues to ignore me, whether I am alone in car park area, or with my husband, saying hello to my husband, but nothing to me, and he appears to have a sour face whenever I am there present, alone or with my husband. While at the same time, he has this very friendly loud verbal interaction with our female neighbour ( so he has no problem communicating perfectly friendly with other " engaged" women, just I am not one of them).
Then, suddenly the female neighbour dog dies, and this is when I learn my female neighbour has a stalker, and the stalker has "proxies". Until this moment, 2 years ago, I thought the message we saw on community newsletter was just some local grudge, a one off. So, I never even told her about it. But, now dog dies, and after that a large 3 piece banner appears on her front gate, in car park,for all of us to read, and hangs there for more than 24h! She did not remove it, until my husband had to prompt her boyfriend to ask her to remove it, as it was distressing. And it says " Happy Fucking Birthday". I was so shocked to read this, at the same time I learned her dog died. I felt very sorry for her ( again, my mistake), I wrote condolences letter, offered help, and gave her a large bouquet of flowers from our garden, and left at her doorstep, as she must have been asleep. She has security cctv camera on her front door.
Subsequently, in coming 2 weeks, to my complete shock and surprise, she never responded to this, and erected the fence extension upwards on our side only, and stopped talking to us completely. Meanwhile, she buddies with the male neighbour. Before she does all this, old dog poo appears overnight on our pristine lawn, and at the time I thought it must be her stalker leaving that poo. I didn't think it may be her, or her visitors, at the time. Because, we didn't do anything to anyone. Why would someone turn on us?

At the time I was intent to check what cars are coming and going, in car park, and I wanted to catch this bugger who is doing this, in action. Also,in remote countryside, burglaries and thefts are frequent, and we have valuable tools in 2 sheds.So you have to be vigilant, and my husband is the same as me.
And one day, in the morning, in car park, preparing certain things on our car, I heard muffled sounds. I went to look are there familiar cars parked, and as I was doing this, the male neighbour opens the upstairs window of his house, while talking loudly on his phone,and began staring at me, in a way like " what are you looking at?" . I felt immediately intimidated, but I am not a fearful woman, and I do not accept anyone to intimidate me in this way, so I stared back, being very serious, to send a message " you cannot intimidate me". Then I left.

After this, there was a "road incident" with the male neighbour, who never said hello to me( unless I initiated), and who arrogantly ignored me since he moved in, while asking favours from my husband. And who gave me looks. I went on my daily country walk one day. His car was not on the car park. After 1 hour walk, I was alone on this isolated country lane, where a very few cars pass by, and a few tractors. I never had a problem with anyone on this road. It is a single track, so as a walker you need to move on the verge, to let vehicles pass. Sometimes I wave, sometimes I don't. I heard a car coming from behind me, so, I moved in good time sideways, to let it pass, without waving or acknowledging the driver, as it was coming from behind. But, the car suddenly slowed down ,and stopped completely in front of me. So I looked and realised it is the male neighbour. So now I couldn't walk forward, as he is on the road in front of me. He didn't say hello, he didn't wave. Just stared in his right wing mirror, like being serious. And I decided to completely ignore him, but, he is still static for more than 5 seconds. Then he drives away slowly, like walking pace, and I had to wait a long while until he drives off.

15 min later, on my way back, his car appears again. I am now shocked to see him again. He drives very slowly again towards me, this time facing me, and I moved sideways to let him pass, without actually having eye contact to him, and he has his window down, but says no hello, no wave, nothing. Just this creepy silence. So, I wait a long time for him to pass me, and then he stops. Now, it is a longer stop, and he blocks me with his car, so I cannot get of the verge onto the road. And he stares at me at his right wing mirror. I didn't feel intimidated, or harassed at first. I thought he maybe fancy me, and wants my attention in this creepy way. But, 2 days later, talking with my husband in detail about everything, I had 3 day paranoid episode that this guy stalked me with hostile intentions, and that female neighbour somehow contributed towards those hostile intentions towards me. I had to stop my husband going round to his place to tell him off. We even considered going to the police. Anyway, we did nothing in the end. We at one point wanted to move away from here. My husband walked with me for a few days. We changed the road I walk on. My husband drove me to walking destinations. We avoided that road for good 10 days. So all calmed down for a while.But, I am worried he may do it again, and I have always my phone with me. And I prepared a strategic plan with my husband what to do if it happens again.

Please share your thoughts with me. Anyone,especially men.What is going on?
It will be greatly appreciated. And it will help me cope with this.

Sorry, I made a mistake. I meant ear defenders. English is my second language. I mentioned my husband past only from the perspective that he collaborated it was close by shot, because he has professional experience, and it was not just my amateur estimation.

'really helpful to get out of my head, and read other people's objective perspective that is genuine and very realistic option'
Plenty of people have given you an objective perspective OP, you just didnt like their response.

The right place for DEATH, not filth. This is a serious thread.

I might not have been in the SAS (Or was I ???) but even I know that you put ear defenders on your ears, not on your gun.

This thread is absolutely bonkers! 🤣

But he'd also know that you can't fire a shotgun 'close' to someone you're not intending to hit due to pellet spread, wouldn't he? 🤥

Because it may have been a careless action by the neighbour, without intentionally he wanted to cause harm. And reporting someone to police is a serious thing, it can seriously affect people's lives, and damage their reputation. This happened before the car thing, which is indefensible. You cannot say car was "an accident".

And my husband went and talked to him on 3 occasions, in next 3 days. Guy lied he didn't fire the shots, I don't know why. It may be he was defensive, and surprised by our response. I think it is best to resolve everything in conversation. I am now thinking we should go together and talk to him about the car thing, to prevent happening again. Because after we addressed it, shooting did not happen again. You see, this forum really helped me process this, even though there are so many people here whom have pleasure and make fun from other people's suffering.

Sorry, got a bit Randy McNabb with all the SAS talk 😬

I’d ignore the dead dog, fence, barmy poster, dog poo and their unfriendliness. I rarely speak to my neighbours but that’s because I’m not interested in them or getting to know them.
The worrying things are a shotgun being fired. You should have called the police.
And the neighbour intimidating you on isolated lanes is worrying. He hasn’t done anything illegal and he knows that but he is doing it to intimidate you. Make sure you have your phone and film him if this happens again. Also make sure you know your location ( download what 3 words) so if you need to call police you can give an exact location.

Thank you SOOO MUCH for your response. It is one of the best responses I received. It is very very different perspective and way of looking at it. My husband also worked at one of the "agencies", and and you are absolutely right, he told me they are briefed specifically what to say, and not to say where they actually work. And my husband told me that he believes he is like " watermitty". Is this correct word? Pretending to be something he is not. It did not occur to me that he may be working in a garage.Such a spot on point!!! Thank you soo much. Thank you! It just helps me get out of my head.

We cannot move now, financially speaking. But your perspective is so much welcomed, from a male perspective, and from someone who also lives in a countryside. I love nature, and we live in a very very beautiful spot. So, I don't want to move. We have many farmers here, all nice people, to me. It is not all bad, just this guy. There other neighbours, down the road, that are nice. But yes, countryside, small places can be discriminatory to foreigners.

Thank you so much, again. From male perspective and someone from military background. So many people here did not believe my story! So, I feel good also because I am being believed. I received best responses from men here. Thank you.

I choose to receive only constructive and non judgemental responses, that are helpful to my way of observation as well as wellbeing who are kind and are bothered to read the whole thing I wrote.

Being so mean and coarse, to other people who need help, and are here out of desperation, will be bad for you in future. I say this to you,out of kindness, everything you do, good or bad, will come back to you as a bumerang in future. I seen it, time and time again.

All that is happening to me with these people, is also all my past reincarnation karma result. I take a full responsibility for my karma.

I needed different way of looking, so I can deal with this guy in practical terms, get out of my head, and thank God, there are kind and generous men who bothered to read my post and share their perspective.

We didn't see him how "close" he was. I was not saying he wanted to shoot us, I was saying we both jumped how loud it was, as if we were shot at. Like, someone wanting to intimidate you or scare you. I also did not say it was intentional. I Don't know.

I'm curious about what makes you so sure the responses you like are by men?
Personally, I find it generally pretty hard to tell from a user name, unless it's something like BadDad or StressedMum. And even that's not a guarantee

Also, I'm a woman, and I did read your entire op.

Yeah I'm sure all of this happened.

😬😬😬

I think you need to stop walking on the country lanes.

Try and move to a larger village with more "normal" people.

That's a yes! 😂

Its Walter Mitty. A famous fantasist from fiction.

OP, I understand you are upset and frustrated that you see people poking fun at your long message and your way of looking at the world. I will try and explain why you've had so many messages that you see as unsupportive.

People in the world often behave in weird ways. If they overstep certain boundaries of harmful behaviour or bad neighbour behaviour you'd expect the person they harm to call the police or the environment complaints at the council, or whatever. However before those steps, are taken, you'd expect the person they are harming to have had a clear discussion with them asking them what they are doing and why, and trying to resolve or repair.

This step is important because sometimes (most often) the things that go wrong between people are the result of misunderstanding not the evil behaviour of one person. So before jumping to conclusions it's important to have clear communication on your own side.

It may be because of the language barrier, but the things your neighbour(s) are supposed to have done are flowing out in a great stream where small things (I found dog poo in my garden!!) are given the same weight as things we think are bigger (a man intimidated you with his car).

This makes it hard to tell whether the neighbours are really being difficult or whether you yourself are reading too much into ordinary (possibly unfriendly) behaviour. Your neighbour has a right to put up a fence, your other neighbour doesn't have a right to shoot at you.

There are lots of ways to start conversations about all these things which people on here could help you with.

The reason we think part of the problem might be you, is that whenever anyone says something you don't understand or think paints you in an unfavourable light, you reply angrily wishing bad karma on them. This behaviour- quick to be vengeful- is a red flag to us. It suggests you see the world as bad and good, black and white, so it's harder to take seriously your complaint or advise you what to do.

For what it's worth, I do believe you are getting weird vibes from your male neighbour. I have no idea whether he dislikes you or fancies you or whether he is racist or whether he is just completely ignoring you and living his life and it's all in your head. Probably there is something to it as you have the weird vibes. I would suggest, as others have, confronting him about the slowing the car down with your husband first and then if he does not take the point, later possibly with the police. Don't worry about his reputation- he has scared you, a lone woman walking. You need to be calm and clear and say that you will not tolerate this specific harassment.

However weirdo behaviour like not saying hello is perfectly fine - he doesn't have to say hello or he can look at you any old way.