Husband uninterested in sex

[OxfordByThePebble]

Hello,
I am a 46 year old woman. My husband is in his late 40s as well. We have been married for 18 years now.

In the last 4 years, we have had no sex. The years leading upto that, we would be intimate just once or twice a year.

We share common interests, we laugh and talk. We do not handle difficult conversations like this well, though. I have tried to bring this up time and again with my husband, but he is never willing to talk about it and I do not want any unpleasantness, so I let it go.

I used to want to be more intimate before and would feel frustrated at his lack of initiative and interest.

He is a lovely person. An absolute gentleman. He is soft spoken and always puts his family first. He will remember things and buy them for me. I know he loves me deeply. He is a great dad and quietly commands respect.

I do not really crave for sexual intimacy anymore.

But I seem to find myself wanting to know if this is an ok state to be in? Are there others like me whose husbands aren't interested in sex anymore?

I have confided in my siblings and they were aghast when I told them. A close friend of mine who is my age too was very shocked and said the state of our marriage will decline.

I know I shouldn't go by what others say and go by what I know of our marriage. But time and again I feel that I will only be reassured if I know there are others like me who are finally ok to give up on sex and feel ok knowing their husband is basically a good human being, and that should be ok for a good lasting marriage.

Please let me know if there are others there like me?

As a 61 year old, I would struggle with absolutely no sex life at all.

But everyone is individual. If you are happy and satisfied with your life, why should it matter what others think?

More worrying, I think, is that your DH refuses to discuss it. Doesn't that create an elephant in the room?

Are you happy? If you are then nobody else’s opinion matters. Just don’t discuss it again

If you are not then it’s time for a frank discussion with dh. I don’t think one person should unilaterally decide anything significant in a relationship and this is one of those things that you both agree

You're definitely not alone - the stats on sexless marriage are pretty high (between 15-50%)

Only you know if you can live your full life without it. Are you really happy never having a sex life again? Not that splitting up would get you one - lots of my single friends your age and above are struggling to find a good man to shag.

I think this is a lot more common than is generally acknowledged. I hope you find some others in the same boat as you and that helps you feel less alone.

I think if you were OK with it, you wouldn't be posting here, OP.

He's shutting you down, refusing to discuss important issues & not listening to your needs. That's not a "gentleman".

Do you really want to go the rest of your life without sex?

Women in poor relationships often also write the good dad comment when they have nothing else positive to write about their man. He’s not either a gentleman nor a great husband to you by refusing to discuss why he has decided to not have sex with you any longer. You were never consulted.

You’re now now 46, do not spend the rest in
of your days in such a marriage. He owes you an explanation, painful as this will be for you both. It will continue to be the elephant in the room.

As long as you are happy then that’s all that matters. Posting on here indicates otherwise though. Problem is, he isn’t going to change now. Once or twice a year before this 4 year spell is also classed as sexless.

You only have two options really. Accept it and find your happiness in other ways or don’t and find what you are looking for.

I think there is a possibility you will look back in 20 years and wonder why you accepted this.

For me, one of the feelings l like the best is being desired. I would find it hard to accept that this won’t be happening forever.

His refusal to communicate is unkind - you don't even know where you stand.

@OxfordByThePebble I do not really crave for sexual intimacy anymore.

Then please don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. However after saying that it would upset and annoy me that your H will not discuss this with you like a loving husband.

@OxfordByThePebble Been there, done that (but the other way around!), got the T-shirt...

I put up with a sexless marriage for 10 years.. I wish now that I had done something much sooner.. Life is far too short to spend it in a sexless relationship.

You say he won't talk about it - personally, I think you have to.

I booked a weekend away with my XW, and basically said that we weren't leaving the hotel room until we had had a talk about our sex life...

It was a hard discussion - lots of tears (from us both), but probably the most open & honest talk we'd had in years, but we both talked, and listened. For her, menopause had pretty much killed her libido, despite trying various types of HRT - she just wasn't interested.

We discussed various scenarios, like an open marriage, but at the end of the day, the only thing that worked for us both was to split.

I really hope it doesn't go that far with your DH, but are you prepared to split if he can't or won't change?

You don't say how old your children are - fortunately, mine were in their late teens, and were adult enough to talk to, and explain the situation - you may not be so lucky..

Your choices are:

1. Live without sex for the rest of your life.
2. Go to couples counseling
3. Divorce.
4. Have an affair (a shitty choice)
5. Open the marriage.

There's another option of going for counselling by yourself so that you can explore the options in a safe space.

The sexual side of you just dies off when it's not used; but something or someone could reawaken it in years to come eg menopause.

Once you start chipping away at the surface, sometimes you realise they are not so "nice".

I may be a little biased, but I left a sexless marriage (a decade) in my late 40's.

It's very telling that your thread title is about your husband not wanting to have sex. Not you.

There are loads of people who live happily without sex. There are loads who couldn't. But forget them all. All that matters is, are you? Do you want sex, or do you just feel you should want it? It's a deeply personal thing that only you can answer. If you genuinely think, meh, it would be a nice extra but I'm happy, there's no reason at all why your marriage will decline. However, if you find yourself frustrated and thinking about it a lot then that's a different matter.

I've been in a similar situation. We've talked about it though. You really should just have the conversation. Your partner is a similar age to mine. He had his testosterone tested and that was the culprit. Low testosterone. He's starting treatment soon and things should improve. We hope anyway. Not a nice situation to be in but just ignoring it won't help him and certainly won't help you!

Has the testosterone helped @123NE321 ?

What form is it being taken? Was the GP helpful?

They do say it is better for the heart and bones to have testosterone. Just wondering about the side effects etc.

TIA

Hi-

Same here. I am 45 and husband 47. Best husband. Best friend. Wonderful kids, 2 teenagers and a younger one.
Everything is perfect, but no sex for 3 years. Can't believe I am writing this. And it wasn't that rampant before.
But I am ok with it. I know he thinks I am gorgeous! We don't really talk about it. But I am happy and so is he. We have a wonderful relationship.
If you are happy then that is what matters.
X

@OxfordByThePebble have you had a conversation with your DH about having no sex? Do you know if he is happy / unhappy about this? I am late 40s, been with dp 5 years and it’s 4-5 times a week. I think you are too young to give up on sex if you don’t want to.

I think there are a lot more people in this situation that people think there are. It’s just people don’t talk about it and the media makes everyone think everyone’s having sex 24/7.

I would suggest that if sex is non existent between the two of you then try asking if you can just masturbate yourself in bed while he cuddles you, if you don't already do this. Then kiss him and thank him. Then ask him again another night, and so on. Make him aware that you enjoy this without putting too much focus on him. Slowly up the game, by stroking him, maybe even asking him if he would like to masturbate. I bet he does it secretly anyway, i sure do as a male. I hope that helps.

Also, sorry I forgot to add. I am in the same boat as you 50yrs old, I have the exact same story except I have the high sex drive and not many boundaries to sex, and my partner has historically had a low sex drive. My hope is that the menopause will bring out a sexual re awakening in my partner. I am trying everything to raise her libido, and saw a small spark appear recently. Reply to me if you want to chat some more, I really could do with talking to someone who understands.

You are not alone op. I personally know at least four middle aged couples like this in RL. Totally devoted, spend all their time together but no sex. People post on these threads as if it’s the most abnormal thing in the world but I think it’s more common than the sexoes would like to think.

Hi I'm in this situation - not entirely sexless but dwindled to a few times a year and if I'm honest it's always been one of our main issues which comes up every once in a while without ever really being solved. I decide it's not a big deal and then every once in a while I'll have a complete freak out about it. It's often one of the reasons I come on here to look for stories of people experiencing the same.
We are mid 40s, no kids. It's hard to explain to someone who's not in this situation because for those who haven't experienced it it seems maybe like a binary thing of well either you stay and be happy or you aren't happy and you just have to separate. But like you OP I do believe my partner still loves me very much and does me attractive it's just not his thing. And sometimes I'm ok with that. But sometimes it gets to me more than anything else and I feel like I'm losing my shit over it. There is obviously some very entrenched shame on his part about it so conversations result in a a shutdown. It's this that hurts the most in a way.
My own libido went a bit downhill recently due I think to perimenopause and I started to feel more kindness towards him like maybe I understood more how he felt. But now the libido's back and I'm angry again.
I totally understand your dilemma and I know how it feels but perhaps take comfort in knowing that quite a lot more people than you might imagine are in this situation. X

Funny enough im going through same thing same age,i wasnt botherd to much about sex because he allways made it a big deal,i felt its all or nothing,but now im missing it and missing being flirted with and weve both put weight on,but hes not interested but says he is says its not me but i make it clear im up for it and have done on and of for a year now,i feel like where i said no for so long now hes not botherd,he doesnt talk about it and i just dont know what to dox

This is out of my experience but I wouldn't want a sexless marriage myself. More importantly though is the fact this isn't something you have both discussed and agreed on, this is something he won't talk about. That's not fair at all.

Ok, so before and after marrying, my wife and I enjoyed an active sex life, even though I had to use Caverject to get hard due to health issues. The last 6 years, health has become worse and I was unable to administer injections anymore. Sex life pretty much dried up other than oral, where I managed to get a semi and she loved doing that along with using my hands and fingers.
So now, I have testosterone injections every 12 weeks for my spine and iron infusions. Both help in a limited way, but sex is not the reason I'm on any of the meds, so I wouldn't expect them to help.
It looks like there may be an alternative to Caverject, which causes less pain administering and is reported to be so easy to use, my wife may be able to use it on me. So guys, please don't lose all hope, as there are new meds to help always being studied.
Good or bad, I was never able to ejaculate sperm due to the health issues, so although this has not changed, a lot of women seemed quite happy this was the case? My wife is not one of these people as she says she never minded the taste, but what would you do if you met someone who told you they could orgasm, but nothing would come out, unlike the norm? Would it matter either way to you? Would you have a preference?
Thanks for reading 👍