Boyfriend continues to keep mentioning ex wife and old life

[TheCoolOP]

I have been dating this guy for about 7 months, he is the most sweetest man and we clicked from day one but he has always had a habit of mentioning his ex or past life aka the things he owned with her. I don't think I can take much more of it, it's draining and making me feel like shit.

I communicated all this to him, that I don't want to hear about her and it upsets me. He said that it's healthy to talk about our past relationships. He still continues every now and then to mention his ex even after me saying it upsets me.

For me personally I don't want to talk about my ex's. They are my past, I have no desire to revisit it. I don't know if I'm in the wrong, being insecure, unreasonable etc. Maybe it’s me who is odd for not talking about my ex’s. I’m just lost on what to do or how to handle the situation because I’ve communicated multiple times to him now over it.

Anyone been in a similar situation, that could offer some insight.

tia x

You’ve told him it troubles you. He can talk to someone else about her. He is not respecting your wishes.

I think it depends how long they were together really.
My exh and I were together for 20 years and had two children. I can't go through life never mentioning him. Luckily my partner understands that and it doesn't bother him.

How long were they together? You said he's talking about "things" he used to own - is he still resentful about a marital split and he feels like "she did me over"?

If so I would throw this one back because people dragging resentments around like this are just so draining to be around.

Is he talking about her or is he just talking about past events in his own life that happen to involve her?

I agree he shouldn’t be bringing her up in conversation frequently, but if there’s a reason she mentioned because it’s relevant to the conversation then he’s doing nothing wrong.

I think it all depends on HOW he's mentioning his ex.

"Oh, things were so great with x. I miss the life I had with her. Look at all these lovely things I did with my ex, I'm so sad that part of my life is over." -> Red Flag! He's not over her and not ready for a new relationship.

"Back when I was with x, it made me realise that I'm unhappy with this or such situation, and I've learned to make better decisions by this experience." -> Green Flag! He's telling you who he is and how he became this person. You should want to know him this way.

It does worry me that you can't handle your boyfriend mentioning the fact that he had a life before he met you.

Is he supposed to ignore the past years of his life? Is he supposed to pretend they never happened?
How are you supposed to learn from past mistakes if you can't mention the context in which these mistakes were made.
Personally I feel that my partner is supposed to know all of me. He's supposed to know me better than anyone else. How is that going to happen if I don't mention huge chunks of my life.

Are you generally an insecure person?

Lets pretend his ex's name is Sally

Every single time he says her name, say "Sally who"?

He'll soon get the message.

I’d take that as a sign he hasn’t fully moved on from that relationship

Talking about places you’ve been or things you had is pretty normal. Always associating them with the ex isn’t.

So let’s say
’Oh yes, I’ve been to Venice. It’s a lovely place but I was lucky to go there in 2021 and there was hardly any tourists around. I’m not sure I’d go there now. What is attracting you to it?’ is totally ok. He is allowed to have been there before
But something like
’Oh yes, I’ve been to Venice. I went with Ex on our anniversary. It was truly magical and so romantic!’ isn’t.

@Girlmom35 you can mention what you’ve learnt from the past wo having any mentionitis.

“Back when I was with x, it made me realise that I'm unhappy with this or such situation, and I've learned to make better decisions by this experience."
can simply be
’i was really unhappy with this and that situation and I’ve learnt that <insert learned point>’.
You dint have to mention, let alone name the ex. For what it’s worth, it could be ANY of his exes. And the message would still be the same (and yes a Green flag)

I guess it depends on what context he is mentioning her. There's a big difference between Beryl looked good in that colour you're wearing or I love this place, me and Beryl used to come here back in the day.

I was with my ex for 25 years before we separated, got together when I was a teen, so a lot of my memories do include him. If I'm with someone (single at the moment) and I mentioned him, it would just be in a factual way, not in a yearning way. There's a big difference so you need to ask yourself in what way is he mentioning her.

It's difficult to know whether you're being insecure and jealous or if he is mentioning his ex more than normal. I'd expect that to have tailed off by 7 months in with a new love interest though.

Was he with her for a particularly long time? Does it seem like he's not over her or would want her back? (In which case you'd be wasting your time with him)

I'd lean toward saying he might be being unreasonable because he should probably appreciate that it's not the best convo topic for a new relationship, it's just ... bad form to talk about the ex a lot. Even he's going on about how awful she was. He should be moving on really.

What sort of things that they owned OP? It's possible to talk about things you had without mentioning another person. For example, he could say "I used to drive a red Ford Capri in my 30s" rather than say "me and Brenda had a Ford Capri that we'd drive out together everywhere". If he continues to do this, and you can't deal with it, then just end it and say you're fed up with your boundaries being trashed.

I would assume that that it means you are insecure in your relationship and I think it might be really worth getting councilling for that.

If you are in a relationship with a good person then they will always have had other significant people in their lives and it wouldn't work to pretend otherwise.

How long was he with her and how long has it been since they split? did he spend much time on his own before you became an item?

I think its really normal to mention an ex in context of 'have you ever been to X restaurant' 'yes its where we celebrated our first anniversary' you need to know these things to be sensitive to them but then if he carrys on tells you what he ate, what she wore and how pretty she was... then its too much. If they split amicably then it might be harder to get the acceptable line in, if they were not amicable and he is ranting then he hasnt quite got over the anger and hurt.

context is needed.

@TheCoolOP oh dear, this resonates so much for me. I was honestly going to write a post myself about jealousy but couldn't get up the courage. I met my fella 4 years ago. When we first met he was always mentioning his ex. They hadn't been together for at least 12 years. It was not appropriate but I don’t think he had a clue..this went on for ages until I told him how I felt. He never mentioned her after that but I am still very jealous of the fact he clearly adored her and she broke his heart. I can never have what she had from him. I have done everything I can to overcome the jealousy, including getting professional help, seeking advice from close friends and it just never goes. I am still working on it to be honest, but in my heart I know that the fact he told me very early on that he never wanted to get married again or live together hasn't helped. I guess he just doesn't feel the same about me as he did for his wife. Some people would say then why stay with him and others would say be happy with the lovely life you have. All I want is to stop feeling jealous of his past! It constantly creeps into my mind. PS I should know better at my age..I am in my late 60's

I had this last year with my boyfriend. Talked about the ex wife and things they did together lots. Are they still in touch OP?

Anyway one day I snapped, asked if he still has feelings for her and that the constant name drop was upsetting me. And that, like you, exes are the past and I want to focus on us.

He has all but stopped now apart from occasional references which I put up with. I don't think you can ban him - but if my boyfriend has ignored me and said oh it's fine etc and kept on about her, I would've dumped him.

I find it so bizarre that people have to carefully edit out any anecdotes or conversations to avoid saying anything about an ex.
My DH went travelling around Thailand with his ex, I know she was there so why would he be cautious of mentioning that. I am interested in his past, he is not with her anymore he is with Me and we are making our own memories. I don’t expect him to censor his life before.

Your trust has been violated. Usually, when two people enter a partnership, they trust that the partner has moved on from all previous relationships. But as he clings on to the memories of the past, it’s evident that he has not moved on emotionally or physically from the “stuff” of the past. With one foot forward and one foot behind him, he is split.

(I’ve energetically channeled this whole answer because it’s what I do. Hope it’s helpful to you.) It’s important that you’re not engaged emotionally in your past relationships. This wouldn’t balance the situation out. It would further the cause to your emotional distress.

So if you value having a relationship with someone who respects you enough to move forward and release the past, then your choice for whether to stick with it or not is simple based on what he is willing or not willing to do.

OP you don't have to be his sounding board for when he needs to talk about his ex. You have the right to your own feelings. I was married for years, we split then I met DP who Ive also been with for many years now.

I barely mention my exH to DP because I simply don't think about exH enough. Why would I? He's not my husband now. I'm not saying exH name has never come up, after all, we share DC and are on good terms. But it's so rare I'd never recall the last time I mentioned him.

I wouldn't want to listen to a partner banging on and on about his ex, and anyone who said that I should (this silly 'be kind' thing that's too often put upon women) would get very short shrift from me.

Tell him again. But if you don't like it then leave. Find a man who isn't on the rebound and who's not stupid enough to jeopardise his relationship by speaking his ex into it (an ex that no doubt has moved on with her life, whilst he's uselessly bending your ear about her). I mean what does he want anyway - you to ask about her, sit having cosy conversations about her? Why on earth would that interest you? Are his conversational skills lacking? I'm surprised you haven't bailed out already tbh, it sounds beyond tedious.

Hmm, I think if he mentions his ex because now and then that's reasonable but only if necessary. But it sounds as though he doesn't. I think some men do this to subconsciously make the person they are dating a bit insecure.
What I really don't like is that you have been adult and mature enough to communicate this to him and he's telling you that you're feelings aren't right. I think it's undermining. I had an ex like this, I would say that I wasn't happy with X or y and instead of taking it onboard he would say " no one else has said that". It doesn't matter what I think or anyone else, you're not happy with him mentioning it and he should make an effort to protect your feelings. It's not the biggest ask.

i fully agree with this. My partner and I both came out of long relationships a year or two before we got together. We both mention our exes and previous lives with exes all the time, naturally, as part of discovering more about and building understanding of each other. We each know that we don't want to go back there but we equally accept that we both really loved our exes at one stage. Neither of us feel jealous of this. I couldn't imagine getting to know my partner on a deep level without hearing about his previous life and understanding his previous relationships. We have really helped each other process the past too I think.

I definitely think we need more context here. Were they together long, any kids? In what ways is he talking about her - Kelly’s arse always looked great in a dress like that, Kelly used to make an excellent Lamb Saag. Or just in passing like oh yep we should go to Greece I’ve only been there once before with Kelly.

Who ended their relationship? Him or her?

my DH annoys the hell out of me. by talking about his EXW and their life together, but they were together a lot of years and him and his kids went through a lot of trauma, so i suspect its got something to do with that! every so often i will gently mention it too him, and he apologises and it stops for a while.

if i am honest, he needs therephy, but theres no way in hell he will take it!