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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure what to do

43 replies

AtlanticDreamer1 · 08/10/2024 13:39

I have been married to my wife for 5 years and we have had our ups and downs including 2 miscarriages which seriously affected our relationship and my wife’s mental health in particular.

This year leading up to the summer things started to deteriorate between us and we were having more disagreements and arguments which I take responsibility for as I wasn’t being an easy person to live with an my mood wasn’t great.

During this time my wife formed a close friendship with her male football coach and started texting/calling him frequently and I know that details of issues in our marriage were shared. His responses and advice weren’t helpful and I know he made a joke out of the situation and implied we should get divorced.

My wife is from Canada and went home to
visit family over the summer. I found out that whilst she was there she met up with an ex-boyfriend who asked her out for a drink. She has promised me that nothing else happened but I know he asked her to go back to his and for another meet up, which she declined and even to take her to the airport as well as having suggestive conversations.

I have also not behaved brilliantly in all of this and have been talking to others online and having sexual conversations during the time leading up to this which I accept was totally wrong and unfaithful to my wife and I regret doing this.

Now my wife is back in the U.K. she has said she wants to work on the marriage and show she is committed to me but I am still sad and angry about the whole situation. Do I have a right to feel this way and is it worth trying to work on things to go back to the happier marriage we did have? We are attending therapy but I am struggling to move on from this.

OP posts:
EG94 · 08/10/2024 13:41

Does she know what you were up to? Sounds to me like the trust is done and when the trust is gone very difficult to build anything on shaky foundations

samanthablues · 08/10/2024 13:41

AtlanticDreamer1 · 08/10/2024 13:39

I have been married to my wife for 5 years and we have had our ups and downs including 2 miscarriages which seriously affected our relationship and my wife’s mental health in particular.

This year leading up to the summer things started to deteriorate between us and we were having more disagreements and arguments which I take responsibility for as I wasn’t being an easy person to live with an my mood wasn’t great.

During this time my wife formed a close friendship with her male football coach and started texting/calling him frequently and I know that details of issues in our marriage were shared. His responses and advice weren’t helpful and I know he made a joke out of the situation and implied we should get divorced.

My wife is from Canada and went home to
visit family over the summer. I found out that whilst she was there she met up with an ex-boyfriend who asked her out for a drink. She has promised me that nothing else happened but I know he asked her to go back to his and for another meet up, which she declined and even to take her to the airport as well as having suggestive conversations.

I have also not behaved brilliantly in all of this and have been talking to others online and having sexual conversations during the time leading up to this which I accept was totally wrong and unfaithful to my wife and I regret doing this.

Now my wife is back in the U.K. she has said she wants to work on the marriage and show she is committed to me but I am still sad and angry about the whole situation. Do I have a right to feel this way and is it worth trying to work on things to go back to the happier marriage we did have? We are attending therapy but I am struggling to move on from this.

What are you struggling with exactly? The fact you were sexting other women or the fact your wife was taken to the airport by her ex?

Original poster
AtlanticDreamer1 · 08/10/2024 13:45

Yes I have admitted everything. Just the breakdown in trust and struggling to move on from it even though we still love each other.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 08/10/2024 13:50

I have also not behaved brilliantly in all of this and have been talking to others online and having sexual conversations during the time leading up to this which I accept was totally wrong and unfaithful to my wife and I regret doing this

Does she know you were doing this? It's not great, is it.

Since you ask, I'd say that no, you don't have the right to feel upset about your wife's peccadilloes. Yours were just as bad.

samanthablues · 08/10/2024 13:51

Sexting other women is as quite a break in trust, not so much being driven to the airport by an ex or talking to your fútbol coach. Are you worried she won’t trust you anymore?

TheShellBeach · 08/10/2024 13:52

@samanthablues why on earth did you quote the entire OP?

You were literally the second responder.

TheShellBeach · 08/10/2024 13:55

.............but I know he asked her to go back to his and for another meet up, which she declined

So she didn't go back to his place. She just had a drink with him. There's nothing wrong with that.

But you were sexting a series of women, while she was on holiday and not being unfaithful.

You're the one in the wrong here. Surely you must see that? What are you struggling with? Your wife is allowed to have male friends.

samanthablues · 08/10/2024 13:57

TheShellBeach · 08/10/2024 13:52

@samanthablues why on earth did you quote the entire OP?

You were literally the second responder.

ADHD? 🤔

BMW6 · 08/10/2024 13:57

Why should your wife trust YOU in future OP?

I have also not behaved brilliantly in all of this and have been talking to others online and having sexual conversations during the time leading up to this which I accept was totally wrong and unfaithful to my wife and I regret doing this.

So YOU were unfaithful first weren't you. She responded and now you have the fucking nerve to wonder if you can trust HER?

Wanker.

TheShellBeach · 08/10/2024 16:09

BMW6 · 08/10/2024 13:57

Why should your wife trust YOU in future OP?

I have also not behaved brilliantly in all of this and have been talking to others online and having sexual conversations during the time leading up to this which I accept was totally wrong and unfaithful to my wife and I regret doing this.

So YOU were unfaithful first weren't you. She responded and now you have the fucking nerve to wonder if you can trust HER?

Wanker.

🤣🤣🤣

User364837 · 08/10/2024 16:11

Seems a bit pot calling the kettle black tbh.
and what you did sounds worse.

something2say · 08/10/2024 16:14

I think you have both ruined it. External parties on both sides. Broken trust. It will never be the same again and you especially crossed the line. I would draw a new line under it and move on.

vodkaredbullgirl · 08/10/2024 16:15

@BMW6 😂

Original poster
AtlanticDreamer1 · 08/10/2024 16:47

I know I was a dick and shouldn’t have done what I did. I am sorry for the damage I’ve caused. I do think there were elements of an emotional affair in discussing everything with her football coach and it’s clear her ex was trying to get her in bed with him and I’m not saying that justifies my actions. She wants to work on it and is putting in effort so I think I need to do the same .

OP posts:
DadJoke · 08/10/2024 16:53

You definitely need either divorce or couples counselling.

samanthablues · 08/10/2024 16:55

The double standards are quite something…

TheShellBeach · 08/10/2024 17:03

samanthablues · 08/10/2024 16:55

The double standards are quite something…

Yes, aren't they!
Hmm

Mitherations · 08/10/2024 17:04

I have been talking to others online and having sexual conversations

Sorry, you're pissed off with her because? Make it make sense.

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 08/10/2024 17:06

So you started it by sexting other women but now you’re angry at her for messaging other men??

Boobygravy · 08/10/2024 17:08

You're both as bad.

Seems both of you will talk to anyone except each other.

thursdaymurderclub · 08/10/2024 17:09

i think you should both cut your losses and separate... you both sound as bad as each other

MrTiddlesTheCat · 08/10/2024 17:41

Your wife has pushed boundaries with the football coach and the ex. You've completely smashed them apart with your online affairs.

Now you're trying to reframe her poor judgment as equal to, if not worse, than your infidelity. You're trying to paint yourself as the victim. You're not! You're reaping what you've sown.

BMW6 · 08/10/2024 17:46

AtlanticDreamer1 · 08/10/2024 16:47

I know I was a dick and shouldn’t have done what I did. I am sorry for the damage I’ve caused. I do think there were elements of an emotional affair in discussing everything with her football coach and it’s clear her ex was trying to get her in bed with him and I’m not saying that justifies my actions. She wants to work on it and is putting in effort so I think I need to do the same .

So what if he was trying to get her into bed?? In what universe is she responsible for his desires???

How come YOU start the whole shitshow by sexting other women yet you wonder whether you can trust HER???

Can you not see what a colossal hypocrit you are and undoubtedly a misogynist?

Why she wants to bother anymore with a wanker like you is beyond my comprehension. She could do far, far better for herself.

I hope she reads this and thinks twice.

gbaxter · 08/10/2024 17:51

I think if you've both made mistakes and your wife is willing to fix things now, and you also want to move forward and fix things, then you should both do just that. Marriage should be worked at and maybe you should consider counselling to help you both clear the slate. In the grand scheme of things it isn't a huge betrayal or unfixable problem and i would focus on moving forward together and prioritising the marriage

StayForever · 09/10/2024 11:42

It so

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