Not sure what to do

[AtlanticDreamer1]

I have been married to my wife for 5 years and we have had our ups and downs including 2 miscarriages which seriously affected our relationship and my wife’s mental health in particular.

This year leading up to the summer things started to deteriorate between us and we were having more disagreements and arguments which I take responsibility for as I wasn’t being an easy person to live with an my mood wasn’t great.

During this time my wife formed a close friendship with her male football coach and started texting/calling him frequently and I know that details of issues in our marriage were shared. His responses and advice weren’t helpful and I know he made a joke out of the situation and implied we should get divorced.

My wife is from Canada and went home to
visit family over the summer. I found out that whilst she was there she met up with an ex-boyfriend who asked her out for a drink. She has promised me that nothing else happened but I know he asked her to go back to his and for another meet up, which she declined and even to take her to the airport as well as having suggestive conversations.

I have also not behaved brilliantly in all of this and have been talking to others online and having sexual conversations during the time leading up to this which I accept was totally wrong and unfaithful to my wife and I regret doing this.

Now my wife is back in the U.K. she has said she wants to work on the marriage and show she is committed to me but I am still sad and angry about the whole situation. Do I have a right to feel this way and is it worth trying to work on things to go back to the happier marriage we did have? We are attending therapy but I am struggling to move on from this.

It sounds like it's over to me. You have both broken the trust.

It sounds like OP is struggling to look forward and is caught up in what his wife did.

Or looking for an excuse to end things rather than work on the relationship

What do you actually want OP

Oh I didn't realize the sexting came first!!

If that's the case then this is all of your own making op

Yes, it's the classic HE cheats then ponders whether HE can trust his wife! Because other men find her attractive!!

Fucking numpty.

I want to work on improving things as I still love her and don’t want us to be apart. I know what I did was wrong as you have all pointed out but I hope we can fix it together.

But you don't trust your unfortunate wife, despite the fact that it was you who did the cheating.

Only because you're thinking of YOURSELF.

Again. Still. Only.

No words in praise of her and how much of a selfish shit you've been.
No horrified realisation of you rank hypocrisy and double standards.
No talk of how much you value her as a person, her character.
No talk of how you don't deserve her forgiveness and what you aim to do to deserve a second chance.

You don't get it at all. I don't think you are capable of truly understanding.

How about if you love her so much letting her find someone a hell of a lot better than you?

It sounds like you were unfaithful, and now you are projecting and trying to even the playing field, I was with a guy like you for a very long time. So you treated her like shit, let your marriage go downhill, she confided in a male friend- not the best move but not cheating. Then she turned down an interested ex, and you sexted other women and now you have to get over her betrayal and are angry

right.

sort yourself out mate.

Her ex trying to get her into bed and her turning him down shows her loyalty, and you’re holding that against her? There was no fault there on her part, even having a shit show of a marriage, and an arsehole for a husband who treats her emotions like shit and sexts other women, she was faithful. Your reasoning is flawed, which is the major issue here. You’re one of those guys who cheats but “can’t move on from the pain we’ve both caused each other”, and I immensely dislike your type. Just be fucking accountable

So yeah very cleverly constructed but it boils down to, she suffered multiple miscarriages and you responded by being unfaithful online with multiple women. She withdrew from you and confided in at least one male friend who very unsurprisingly told her to dump you, and also had communication with an ex who drove her to an airport but who she turned down when he possibly made a pass at her.

And you are asking if you can trust her.

You are a snake. I hope she divorces you.

You can’t. Anyone who can write that OP with a straight face is so much up their own arse, so absolutely entitled and convinced they can do no wrong, as to make it impossible.

She needs to dump you and move on to an adult.

So, you both go through the pain of miscarriages (sorry for that, it must be very tough), you start to act like a twat towards her (« not the easiest person to live with » can hide a lot of things under the carpet…)
So you push her away by being a d*ck, of course other men are around, but you have no proof she did anything.
During this time, you feel free to randomly sext around (if not worse).
She still wants to give you an chance to work on things.

But you still find this very generous offer unworthy of your high self because … I don’t know.

Because from my angle, this woman has tolerated your unpleasant behaviour towards her, not cheated on you, has even rejected other men’s advances, is forgiving you, and wants to give it another chance, but you’re still on the fence about it?

I would kiss the floor she walks on if I were you.

But I suppose it’s a lot more comfortable to make it about trust and her, than to make it about the evident fact you are acting like a lowlife d*ck, isn’t it?

Going to give you a hint, it’s not on « things » you need to work on, it’s on you. You are unpleasant, you cheat, you are unfair, you don’t own your sh*t, and you whine about it all.

Yes, this drives me absolutely nuts 😂

To move forward you need to own what YOU have done.

She has not been unfaithful. But YOU have.

YOU are trying to project to justify your dreadful behaviour and make you both equally culpable. You aren't.

Sounds like SHE deserves much better. If you love her set her free to find a mature man that will be faithful, loyal and love her unconditionally.

Do you both want to work on it.
If not, here lies your answer x

Her ex isn’t in a relationship with you, what he wants is irrelevant, and she shouldn’t be held responsible for it.

What you did was cheating, now you seem desperate to make out she’s done something just as bad.

I dated a guy like this, he would make false accusations, go cold on me, let me get into an emotional state until I’d finally react, then break up with me, then try to “work it out with me” saying, oh we cause each other so much pain and there’s so much distrust. He blew my mind, soooo much unnecessary drama when he had a fully faithful partner who would do anything for him. Your post really reminds me of him. You can’t take accountability that you’re the one who has created the drama in this relationship and done wrong, and you just need to pin something on her and make her feel like she’s on trial. As other poster said, you are so very lucky she even gives you the time of day

Sounds very cluttered and busy... You're obviously not happy with each other, the trust has gone too.

I think you'd just be staying together for the sake of it.

Until the next love interest comes along for one/ both of you.