Long term Partner with DV Record

[Justpeachy88]

Hi all,

If you’d been in a relationship for 7 years and found out your partner had a criminal record (suspended prison sentence) and made to go on a domestic violence course, would you stay? Or would this depend on what exactly happened?

Say you’d been in the dark about this, knew they’d had a toxic past relationship, or this is what they’d told you. Over 12 years ago, so not recent and when they were much younger.

Would you leave?

Yes

I would be very very wary. Have you heard of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft? It’s a worthwhile read. And the Freedom Programme.

in the meantime I would ask you, what are your boundaries like, have you got supportive networks and your own independent money? Are there any issues like you walk on eggshells around him or he has ever put you in fear? Has he had psychotherapy and done the work to change?

I would be really concerned to be honest. What else has he hidden?

Yep, immediately.

Yes, I’d leave. Think of all the men in the world who (1) haven’t lied about having a suspended sentence for DV and (2) don’t have a suspended sentence for DV to lie about.

I’d leave, yes. Do you feel you can talk to them about it?

Yes.

But honestly, I find it impossible to believe that seven years in, you haven’t had many indicators that tell you for yourself that you should leave.

Yes no question knowing how hard a conviction is.

Oh yes.
It is unacceptable not to disclosesometjing like that.
I'd become afraid of them tbh. Wondering when they were going to turn on me.

I think I would. Knowing that my partner was capable of harming a partner would leave me too uneasy. There are lots of people in toxic relationships where both people have an unhealthy dynamic that DON'T physically harm their partner. It's not an excuse or reason.

I know in theory my dh could physically harm me, he's bigger and stronger, but I have never, ever felt uneasy in his presence. Thats how it should be.

Thank you. Can you get a record of battery for threats, or would this have to involve some sort of physical violence (not that threats aren’t bad enough).

No - you can’t get a record of battery for threats. Battery means that physical violence was inflicted. Assault can just be threats - you can assault someone by threatening violence but battering someone always involves applying physical violence to them.

What’s brought this up now? How has your relationship been with your partner? Obviously, having a DV conviction is very serious but, although people often don’t change, they can so if he has always behaved well towards you, then perhaps he has. However, given you’re making these enquiries that suggests to me he’s not treated you particularly well either.

I can't see how a threat would be battery.

"Battery is a crime in England and Wales that occurs when someone intentionally or recklessly applies unlawful force to another person. It is a more serious form of assault."

I would leave. What has prompted your question though? Has he been showing any signs of abuse or is it that he has only just told you and has otherwise been OK? You say he went on a rehab course, so it may be that he learnt how to address matters without resorting to violence. You can go to your local Police station and ask for a disclosure under Clare's Law. They will talk you through why you are asking for it and if there is a concern, you will be given any relevant info pertaining to your partner's conviction.
https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/64dce1e2c8dee4000d7f1dc7/DVDSguid_claresLaw_V7-14-08-23.pdf

I’d be running.

How did you find out? Have you kids together?

Maybe she has had no indicators because he is reformed?

Battery is physical violence, so no it cannot "just" be verbal abuse.

And you don't get a suspended sentence for a single incident of battery.

What exactly has he said he's been convicted of?

Have you done a Clare's Law request? Might be worth it. Your local force will have a Web page like this: https://www.met.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/cl/triage/v2/request-information-under-clares-law/

Yes

I left my ExH after he was violent towards in if our kids.

Police didn't want to know.

I'd hate to think what level of violence he must have inflicted for the police to actually care.

I'd run so far I'd leave the fucking country.

But he’s still lying about it though. You don’t lie about having a serious conviction for battery against a partner if you’re ’reformed’. I may consider proceeding with the relationship if he had spent the entire last 7 years being the very model of an excellent partner. But not if I ever wanted children at some point. He’s clearly capable of committing serious harm against his partner, and statistically violence/abuse in a relationship starts when the woman gets pregnant. I couldn’t have a child with him knowing about his past, I’m not normally one for victim blaming, but I think some women deserve very limited sympathy for continuing a relationship and going on to have children with a man who has a criminal record for extreme violence against women

Have you done a Claire's law request?
looking at your relationship honestly, has he ever been controlling/aggressive/coercive with you?

Well that’s just the rub, isn’t it?

a. If he’d reformed, she’d have known about this already because he wouldn’t have lied about something so fundamental.

b. they pretty much never reform, for evidence, I refer you to a.

Difficult one as are we saying no one ever convicted of a crime can ever be reformed? only you can know what he has been like in your relationship but the risk is always there that if a perfect storm of circumstances occurs again and something sets him off - either you or something else then he could do it again?

The thing we do know is that this man lied about/concealed his criminal record for beating up his former partner fir seven years from his partner. Hardly an indication of someone who has come to terms with his wrongdoing.

Statistically speaking domestic abusers almost never change. There is something about the core beliefs that are the root of domestic abuse that are extremely difficult to change.in any case, even if an abuser is reformed, no woman should feel that he is owed a chance to prove that as the stakes are too high if she's wrong.

Do a Claire's Law request with the police to find out the truth as it's possible he still isn't telling you the full truth of it.

Anyone can do this on their current partner.