Long term Partner with DV Record

[Justpeachy88]

Hi all,

If you’d been in a relationship for 7 years and found out your partner had a criminal record (suspended prison sentence) and made to go on a domestic violence course, would you stay? Or would this depend on what exactly happened?

Say you’d been in the dark about this, knew they’d had a toxic past relationship, or this is what they’d told you. Over 12 years ago, so not recent and when they were much younger.

Would you leave?

Yes leave.

It's bloody hard to get a conviction for DV, he's also hidden that from you. If it was a case of he hit her in self defense because she was attacking him and there was a witness so he got charged for it, he would have been open about it (yes, that does happen.)

A conviction for DV yes absolutely.

I do believe in time spent and that people can be rehabilitated to turn their lives around but I can't extend that to DV/abusers.

It actually happened to me and I left. My relationship with my partner at the time was so incredibly abusive. When I left I found out he had a conviction for trying to strangle his ex wife and had also received a suspended sentence, to him the suspended sentence meant that he had got away with it and still justified men hitting women. Concealing it was the worst thing, no one told me either.

On the flip side I know of a couple where the partner has been to prison for GBH in his late teens and he has always been incredibly open with his partner about it as prison turned his life around. They have a really committed long term relationship that most people would aspire too, he's an excellent father and partner.

Maybe harassment? But battery is physical assault.

In all honestly it would depend on their behaviour over the past 7 years of the relationship. If they hadn’t put a foot wrong, no concerns or red flags in all that time then I’d likely continue the relationship but be wary. It would definitely alter how I think of them though.

Unfortunately 'the system' can tell perpetrators to conceal their convictions from partners. I don't know specifically about domestic abuse but I have been in meetings where it was explained by trained mental health "professionals" that perpetrators of s a against vulnerable victims should not reveal their crimes to new partners until after a relationship is well established and only after minimising it first! Sometimes the system teaches perpetrators how to beat the system.

Thanks all. They stayed together for years after that incident and I believe she was physically abusive to him at times. There’s been a few red flags, yeah.

What would the Claire’s law request tell me, does this go into detail of what exactly happened?

And no we don’t have kids together.

What really? I guess if someone was so upfront with these things when first meeting a potential partner, they wouldn’t give them the time of day.

Oh my. I’m so sorry you went through that.

That’s what I mean, no one has mentioned anything to me either.

I do think in certain circumstances people can change but I think it’s probably few and far between.

Thank you, it was a huge shock at the time and of course he has all the excuses and blamed her.

For domestic violence, I think change is unlikely yes especially if they are demonstrating red flags.

Even without the previous conviction, you've experienced red flags, so why is this even something you would ask?

@Justpeachy88 If I had seen no signs at all of any kind of abusive behaviour, bad temper, selfishness in the last 7 years or any kind of any red flag, I wouldn't necessarily immediately give him the boot, but I'd be very wary. Probably check Claire's Law at the very least

On the other hand, if there have already been issues of that kind, even if not many, I would break off the relationship

EDITED to ADD - just seen that there have been red flags, so why worry about a Claire's Law report? Leave would be my advice now

I think the red flags in itself is for me to find out about it after years of being in a relationship and obviously the not really wanting to talk about it, kind of dismissive.

@Justpeachy88 All a disclosure under Claire's Law will tell you is there was a criminal conviction(s) for DV. They may give you the date(s). They won't tell you anything else and you will be told that you must not disclose this information to anyone else.

How did you find out ?

So I found out about it one night when we’d been out with friends, he was telling them how turbulent things were between them. I questioned the next day and he told me it was threats that were made while he wasn’t aware she’d called them so they heard it all during an argument that had escalated. Then I’ve just found a DBS application and that’s where it says the battery charges and suspended sentence with dates so I’m guessing that’s exactly what the Claire’s law would tell me too?

That wasn't just threats.

So she called the police and they heard him threatening her over the phone and upon arrival they saw she had been physically abused and he was arrested and charged with battery.

Abusers in my opinion do not change, they may adapt their behaviour or cover up until the day they don't. It usually involves them not getting their own way or having boundaries enforced on them which they will not respect or adhere to.

Walk away would be my advice.

If there was absolutely no abuse whatsoever in the 7 year relationship and absolutely no aggressive behaviour towards anyone, I wouldn't leave.