My husband kissed someone else

[ceruleansky]

Hi everyone,
I've been in a relationship with my husband for about 14 years and we have been married for almost 2. We have a 3 month old.
I recently found out about his habit of smoking (which is a deal breaker for me), when our baby was a month old by going through some texts.
When I confronted him about it he admitted that he had been smoking since 2019 and that he would quit. I asked if him there's anything else he had to reveal and he said there was nothing else.

Yesterday, I was looking for a photo on his Google drive when I noticed he had a second Google account added. When I switched to that, I could see his drive was empty except for a chat backup with one of his friends, that I knew.
I downloaded the chat onto my phone and when I went through it later it showed that back in 2017, when my husband was studying in another city, him and that girl have exchanged texts for a month that looks like emotional cheating. They have texted things like "i want to kiss you on your neck" or "i want to come up to your room". They have separate boys abd girls living quarters on campus and are not allowed into each other's spaces.
In the beginning of the chat, my husband has informed her of me, his then girlfriend, and told the girl to stop being inappropriate, but when the time came closer to when my husband was leaving the university, the girl convinced him to go out with her more, for movies alone, where they held hands. They also kissed on campus every night, the last 4 nights he was there.

To highlight:

1. It started with going on a trip with other friends where she lay on his shoulder in the car ride back.
2. They went for a movie alone where they held hands and she lay on his shoulder.
3. They texted from early morning to late in the night. Even after he toldme he was going to bed he has texted her after.
4. He kissed her forehead.
5. She kissed his cheek and jumped up to kiss the side of his neck.
6. They kissed on the lips 3-4 times. He said "that last kiss was awesome" in one of the texts.
7. They said "I love you baby" to each other
8. She said "shall i come down to kissyou" and he said if "I want to come to your room to kissyou, if i were there I would hug you from the back and kiss your neck".
9. She said he was her bed (after the lying on the shoulder thing) and he asked her to lie on him.

Also, I see that he has told her he was going out for a smoke, and these texts were from 2017, which means he had been smoking way before 2019, which is what he told me.

When i confronted him, he said he started smoking in 2015.
Finding this out has been a bigger shock than finding out about the smoking.
It took me time to heal and come out of the first set of lies and here I am again.

I also know the girl, I met her in 2022, the year we got married, she was there when I selected my wedding dress and she saw it. I had lunch with herbecause he wanted us to meet. Even a couple of days before, she called my husband and I picked up the phone to talk to her, unaware of everything that had happened.
My point is that, if if he really felt guilty about kissing her, he would have cut her out of his life in 2017..
He swears they haven't spoken that way after that. But why have her at all?

I am ready to leave him for good. His mother cried and begged to forgive him for the sake of our son. We have a couples therapy session booked for tomorrow and I'm not sure how that's going to even help.

He promises to change and be the man I thought he was.

Any advice on what I should do? Or is this something I should get past since it's a 14 year relationship.

I also sent the entire chat to her husband, who was her boyfriend at the time and yes, she also cheated.

Even after we got married, she called my husband to complain about her husbans every time they fought, or when she was going through a rough time with her infertility and miscarriages.
At that time, I let them communicate because I thought she was just a friend.

When I called and confronted her about everything that happened she vehemently denied being physical, and said they were very casual, and that my husband was the one who initiated everything and kissed her on the forehead.
She denied kissing him on the lips. I put them both on the call together, my husband told her that he told me everything, that they had kissed on campus and she said "well why would you tell your wife lies, I never kissed you".
My husband was furious with her that she lied.

So that happened as well. He finally understood her true nature, and that she just wanted to kiss and have an emotionally affair with a guy with a serious girlfriend. He also made a mistake by encouraging and acting on it.

Goodness me!
There is so much going on here that I can't tell heads or tails but what I known is that your husband should not be telling you lies.
It would be better if he didn't tell you at all than if you asked and he lied to you.
Also he is not supposed to be kissing any OW.
This is absolutely ludicrous.
How are you supposed to forgive the multiple lies?
You need to really think about returning to him as it maybe to your own detriment

Your marriage was over the minute you started searching through his messages. The reason you did that (the real reason) was the downward slope.

You can focus on the finer details if you want, but there isn't going back from it. You'll not trust him again. He's a liar and will lie about the lies. You trusted your gut.

OP there's so much here. First he's been smoking for ten years. Has he never smelled of smoke? Second the incidents with the other woman were 7 years ago. Third why are you snooping through his phone?

I don't think contacting her husband was the right thing to do as it was a long time ago. Really it should have remained between you and your husband.

You obviously don't trust him or you wouldn't be looking through his phone. He's been telling you lies about smoking, does he lie about other things? He obviously shouldn't have kissed the other woman but it was just kissing and it was a long time ago.

I don't think this is a reason to end an otherwise good relationship as you have a young baby and a long relationship. You need to discuss him giving up smoking which after ten years won't be easy.

I think letting her DH know was the right thing. In her husband's place, I'd want to know.

It's up to you what you do but could you trust him again?

@ceruleansky, I am very sorry for your pain.

It rich that he was hurt and furious at OW for lying when he cheated and has been lying by omission about it since 2017 (and about smoking since 2015). He made a fool of you by bringing unsuspecting you and his OW together pre-wedding, and he married you under false pretenses. You believed you were marrying a (non-smoking) man who had always been faithful and loyal.

He still feels entitled to lie to you, as he recently did about the smoking — his first admission of 2019 morphed into 2015 when you had evidence. And of course he wasn’t forthcoming during the smoking conversation when you asked about any other transgressions.

His dishonesty, infidelity, and mockery of me would be absolute dealbreakers. It would be game over, and I wouldn’t be manipulated by his/his mother’s crocodile tears. If you split you can establish a healthy co-parenting relationship.

I don't usually blame anyone for checking their partner's phone - you have to look out for yourself if you think a partner might be cheating. But... you're going back to 2017. Long time ago. Are you searching for something to complain about? Or, have you found the evidence you need to convince you that he's a cheat and a liar? What are you going to do about that?

Always trust your gut. Yours was right. He is a cheater. You did the right thing telling the OW DH. 7 years ago makes no difference really the hurt is new. How remorseful is he OP?

He lied to you about smoking which I guess will have made you doubt him, then you spotted another Google account you didn't know about. I don't blame you for looking.
He cheated but the mockery as a PP referred to is just as bad. He kept her in his life and let her interact with you. Obviously didn't feel guilty, he even kept their chats, how sweet.
Doesn't matter how long ago the original cheating happened, he has continued to treat you like shit up until now. His actions have marred your relationship, how could you ever trust such a lying cunt again?

I'm sorry that I wasn't clear about the snooping on the phone part. I've never done that before, I never felt I had a reason to.
The reason I did it was because he was unable to help me take care of the baby that night and was swaying. I had a suspicion about him drinking and wanted to check his texts with his friends to see if any such plan was made to drink. Finding out about the smoking was just a coincidence.

@chocolatelips
Yes, it's the lying I can't stand because I gave him multiple chances to come clean.

@gamerchick @username3678
We were in a LDR and would meet maybe once a month. He didn't smoke before he would come to meet me. After we married, I did smell smoke on him but he said it was because his friends smoked near him. I even joked that did your friend blow the smoke on you. I believed him when he said it was just his friend. He has also indulged in weed.

@LoveTheRainAndSun
Yes, I felt it was only fair that he knew. The girl thanked me for messing up her life. She has the audacity to say that when it was her chat.

@MsDogLady
Yes, what you said is exactly what resonates in my mind. I really had a good relationship with him otherwise. I'm only reconsidering because I don't want my son to lose out on 1 parent at 3 months.

@StopStartStop
I did not scroll back all the way to 2017. There was a file on his Google drive which was his chat with this girl and it was from 2017.

Guys, I also did not scroll back to 2019. I just searched keywords like smoke drink etc. I've never gone through his phone before this. According to me we were in a loving relationship filled with trust
I'm also not a controlling person. He let's me know when he thinks a girl is cute and we check her out together. I've had drinks with his friends, with my friends, we have had an open and honest relationship. That's why it hurts me. I'm not a controlling wife.

I would be surprised if it stopped at kissing. Who texts about kisses? I suspect it was their code name for shagging.

@Acornsoup
He seems remorseful but he was the same way when I found out about the smoking the first time, and he said there was nothing else that he was lying about. I told him I needed complete honesty to move forward 2 months ago. I made date plans with him over the past 2 months to heal from that lie, only to find out about the cheating now.

@MyCatIsAStalker
Yes the mockery is the worst part.
I've bared my soul to him, we went through infertility together. I had to really fight my parents to marry him because they felt he wasn't good enough for me but I was sure that he was a good guy who wouldn't hurt me.

He was a good husband to me. We hardly fought and I still love him. But the lying and deceit is something I don't know if I can get past.

You will end up hating him because of the lies and deceit. I am not sure I could get over them maintaining their relationship. I am sorry this happened to you OP

@Spirallingdownwards
All of it happened within a month of knowing each other, they lived on campus. I can't be sure if they had sex or not, but from what I see in the texts it doesn't look like it. They did have video calls though.
But I'm pretty sure that had he been there for longer, even a week longer, they would've had sex.

By the way, we waited until marriage to have sex but we were physically intimate in other ways. I didn't want to have sex with him initially, until I was sure about him. And when I was sure about him, and told him I was ready, he said we can wait. I do believe that his first time was with me, since he did not know how to put it in just like that, he did seem inexperienced.
Don't get me wrong, it was funny and we had a good laugh on our first night, iwe did have a good time, and I do believe that was his first time.

We did go to therapy together but the therapist spoke to us separately.

What she said is:

1. Men and women are wired differently and that men can separate love and lust and that it didn't mean anything to him. He always intended to love and marry me and that was just lust. She said if the relationship is good otherwise and he is ready to own up and change, to try to make it work since there's no guarantee that he next guy I see won't cheat.
2. She also said that he smoked because it gave him a release from his stress. He didn't do it because he wanted to hurt me.
3. He didn't tell me about both of the above because he was afraid to lose me.
4. He's ready to change and work on the marriage.
5. I'm postpartum and emotional and shouldn't make rash decisions. I should take my time to think about it.
6. She asked me to write down pros and cons of staying with him.

Omg. That's a shit therapist.

Also , about the Google drive,
We each have 1 email acct and then we have a joint acct where we stored our old photos from when we were 19.
He was signed into his gmail account and I wanted to switch to the joint account to download the old photos when i found a third gmail acct that i didn't know of.
That's how I found the chat on the secret email account drive.
Hope that clears things up. Basically I found everything by coincidence, I wasn't looking. Either I'm just lucky or he's bad at hiding the proof. I would say he's so confident that I wouldn't check his phone that he hasn't deleted any of the texts which implicate him.

Eh? Sure it wasn’t HIS therapist?!

Yeah I think that I was just gaslit... again. And paid a lot for it.

Wow what an awful therapist. Did your husband find them on red pill couples .com?

I didn't do much research on the therapist. I just went to the nearest one and I wanted to vent to avoid doing something extreme.

Neither of you are coming off well in this story.

@ceruleansky he's a liar and a cheat. You don't trust him and you never will again.

This relationship is dead in the water but you can't see that yet.

Don't you think you deserve to be with someone who genuinely loves you and chooses you first?

So to summaries what you therapist said:

He lies so he can get away with doing whatever he wants

It's not to hurt you it's to protect himself from consequences

He's going to lie again

Please get a new therapist!