My husband kissed someone else

[ceruleansky]

Hi everyone,
I've been in a relationship with my husband for about 14 years and we have been married for almost 2. We have a 3 month old.
I recently found out about his habit of smoking (which is a deal breaker for me), when our baby was a month old by going through some texts.
When I confronted him about it he admitted that he had been smoking since 2019 and that he would quit. I asked if him there's anything else he had to reveal and he said there was nothing else.

Yesterday, I was looking for a photo on his Google drive when I noticed he had a second Google account added. When I switched to that, I could see his drive was empty except for a chat backup with one of his friends, that I knew.
I downloaded the chat onto my phone and when I went through it later it showed that back in 2017, when my husband was studying in another city, him and that girl have exchanged texts for a month that looks like emotional cheating. They have texted things like "i want to kiss you on your neck" or "i want to come up to your room". They have separate boys abd girls living quarters on campus and are not allowed into each other's spaces.
In the beginning of the chat, my husband has informed her of me, his then girlfriend, and told the girl to stop being inappropriate, but when the time came closer to when my husband was leaving the university, the girl convinced him to go out with her more, for movies alone, where they held hands. They also kissed on campus every night, the last 4 nights he was there.

To highlight:

1. It started with going on a trip with other friends where she lay on his shoulder in the car ride back.
2. They went for a movie alone where they held hands and she lay on his shoulder.
3. They texted from early morning to late in the night. Even after he toldme he was going to bed he has texted her after.
4. He kissed her forehead.
5. She kissed his cheek and jumped up to kiss the side of his neck.
6. They kissed on the lips 3-4 times. He said "that last kiss was awesome" in one of the texts.
7. They said "I love you baby" to each other
8. She said "shall i come down to kissyou" and he said if "I want to come to your room to kissyou, if i were there I would hug you from the back and kiss your neck".
9. She said he was her bed (after the lying on the shoulder thing) and he asked her to lie on him.

Also, I see that he has told her he was going out for a smoke, and these texts were from 2017, which means he had been smoking way before 2019, which is what he told me.

When i confronted him, he said he started smoking in 2015.
Finding this out has been a bigger shock than finding out about the smoking.
It took me time to heal and come out of the first set of lies and here I am again.

I also know the girl, I met her in 2022, the year we got married, she was there when I selected my wedding dress and she saw it. I had lunch with herbecause he wanted us to meet. Even a couple of days before, she called my husband and I picked up the phone to talk to her, unaware of everything that had happened.
My point is that, if if he really felt guilty about kissing her, he would have cut her out of his life in 2017..
He swears they haven't spoken that way after that. But why have her at all?

I am ready to leave him for good. His mother cried and begged to forgive him for the sake of our son. We have a couples therapy session booked for tomorrow and I'm not sure how that's going to even help.

He promises to change and be the man I thought he was.

Any advice on what I should do? Or is this something I should get past since it's a 14 year relationship.

There is no way that you wouldn't know he smoked. People who smoke absolutely reek of it!

Against the grain here but I couldn’t get worked up about a kiss 7 years ago. He’d get a bollocking but wouldn’t break up a marriage over something so juvenile.

Most people on here give better advice than your therapist. It is difficult to find a good one because you can't really tell anything from their listing and it takes time for the relationship to develop.
I don't know what @ManhattanPopcorn thinks you have done wrong, maybe you're not a "cool" enough wife for them.
Lying is destructive, once you realise that they've lied about one thing and lied so easily, you can't trust a word they say. It feels like your whole relationship is a sham, especially if you are a person who is honest and trusting and presumed that your partner was the same.
I don't think what he's done is "juvenile" he acted like he was single and you didn't exist and then lied about it for years. Why would you be ok with this @orangegato? He told another woman that he loved her is your bar so low.
Unfortunately I don't think this is fixable, it seems to be part of his personality.

What she said is:
Did she really say this? Are you sure she didn't lead you to consider the things you mention?
Similar to orangegato I would not get worked up over a kiss 7 years ago - before you were in a full blown relationship (long distance/no sex).

It's not about it being 7 years ago. It's about the lying to protect himself and the added betrayal of maintaining the relationship with the 'friend'.

How old were you when you got together? It sounds like you were incredibly young and both inexperienced.

Yeah. You can smell it a mile off, stinks.

@FartSock5000
You're right. I don't trust him, that's why after the first time I was prepared to be disappointed again.

@Acornsoup
Yeah the therapist was a waste. I don't think she understands my side of things.

@Parky04
He just didn't. He told me he only smoked when he was stressed about his job and he wasn't into chain smoking. And like I said, after we started living together, I did smell it on him and he said it was because his friends smoked near him. Or in the car with him. I just believed that.

@orangegato @LocalHobo
like i said, I could have tried to get over it if he had owned up back then and cut her off. She's still in our lives. He has her photo on his phone (just her). He still talks to her.
We were together every day for 4 years while in uni, after which I went to another city to work and he went to another city to study. During these 1.5 years we were in an LDR and he met her on the last month he was there. We were very much in a relationship with the intention to marry.

@Bigearringsbigsmile
When he cheated he was 23 and were together since he was 19. Yes it was young but surely you've heard of college sweethearts getting married and being loyal to each other.

@MyCatIsAStalker
Yeah it was my first time and boy, did I choose the wrong therapist. Being a woman, I thought she would understand me. I didn't expect her to take sides.

Just a note to everyone: if I didn't have a 3 month baby I would just leave him. I know some of you think I'm an idiot for considering to stay, but I don't want my baby to grow up in a broken home. That's the only reason I'm confused about leaving. Also, even though he has done something unforgivable, he has never treated me any less than a queen. while I was oblivious to all this, he was really wonderful during my pregnancy and postpartum. So it's a battle between the mind and heart. There are many nuances to this. It's not easy to make a call. Even though I am furious.

@ManhattanPopcorn
Maybe if you elaborated it would add value to the conversation.

Also guys, don't get me wrong. I'm not a weak woman. I'm not financially dependent on him. In fact, I pay most of the bills and earn more than 2x what he earns. So it's not a question of that.
I appreciate your unique and different views. And your empathy.

This reads really strangely, it’s like a YA plot with all the angst about kissing!

Why did you have to fight your parents to marry him?

I cannot believe a qualified counsellor would give you the advice you describe.

Based on your language and a number of things you have alluded to, I wonder if you are from a different culture outside of the UK (maybe US from the reference to ‘college’) and/or have a religious background. If so, I would be careful not to select a counsellor through (or that is connected in any way to) your religion - you need somebody qualified & neutral, whose advice will not be coloured by religious doctrine / a relationship with your community.

I also wonder if you are quite young as another PP suspects, since you refer to OW as a “girl” and DH looking at “other girls” rather than women.

As an aside - you state that you are not “controlling” because you allow DH to look at other women and join in. If you are genuinely ok with that, great - that’s your own personal choice as to what you are comfortable with in your relationship. It wouldn’t be “controlling” if you did dislike your partner ogling other women, though. Personally I would consider it very disrespectful and wouldn’t tolerate it.

@sparkleghost
I'm using a lot of autofill while typing which is why some of my posts aren't clear. I apologize for that.

My parents were against our relationship because they felt he wasn't good enough for me. I care about their opinion so I had to fight for our relationship.

We're in our 30s now. I'm not okay with him oogling women, I just meant that I'm secure in my relationship, in that if he does look at another woman I'm not going to make a big deal about it.

We're not religious. It's just a choice we made since we were committed to each other. I wouldn't say it's the best choice and if I could, I would change it.

You waited 12 years to have sex, but that wasn’t for religious reasons?

I really suggest some couple’s therapy for you both. Yes, I’d be pissed off about the smoking but I wouldn’t end my marriage over it. I do also understand that you’re upset over the feeling of betrayal from the kisses but being honest, if your DH has been forced to wait until his 30s to lose his virginity I think he’s been very restrained and a couple of kisses is small fry in the grand scheme of things.

This is great, and honestly, your baby growing up in a 'broken home' is better than them growing up with an unhappy, resentful mother. Because even if he never cheats again (which lets face it isn't likely if you let him get away with it once), will you ever trust him?

Though I understand with a 3 month old, now might not be the easiest time for you to leave.

It was actually the counsellor’s advice that made me wonder if you had a religious background / were part of a religious community (although seeking your parents approval & choosing to wait seemed to support that possibility too). I’m aware that in some religions, couples having relationship problems are sometimes directed to a therapist “in house” so to speak.

A properly qualified, non religious counsellor should not be feeding you tripe about men being able to separate love & lust, tell you that all men are equally likely to cheat, or presume to know DH’s intentions! I’m sorry that was your experience and that’s not how it should have gone.

Could you go to a separate, individual therapist on your own? I know MN is a great source of collective wisdom but it sounds like this counsellors advice was quite harmful, and you might feel more confident after hearing that from a professional.

Take your time OP and decide what you want. Doesn't sound like you are in any danger. You are vulnerable now with a young baby but your next move can be at your own pace

It's a cultural thing. But as I said, once we graduated in 2014 I was ready to sleep with him. But after that he wanted to wait. I didn't restrain him. We were still physical in other ways.
Even when he was studying in another city, we had an LDR but would meet once a month. Even if he wanted to sleep with me then i would've agreed as i was ready. So there's really no reason for this to happen.

@sparkleghost
I wanted their approval because i wanted them at the wedding. They were refusing to take part in it. So the two of us saved up and paid for the entire wedding. There's nothing more to it. My parents have accepted him into the family now.

I don't know this counsellors background, I just went by their qualification. Yes it was an awful session but I'm self aware and the only thing I lost was time and money. I did not accept a thing she said.

@Acornsoup
Thank you. I think I do need some time to think about my decision.

I've asked him to read the chat and if I choose to take him back, he has to do a lot of work before I do.