Best friend had a massive go at me

[Hippychickbbbb]

I've known my best friend for 20 years! She knows how hard I've gone through relationship between my husband he's been very mean to me in the past she's been there for me! I'm going through a divorce as he's said though councling he doesn't love me or want a relationship with me!

She asked how I was after I asked how she was recently she hadn't replied for an hour usually she replies so I sent a message saying is she there!? I said how I was struggling with the divorce that's it! I didn't go on I said it briefly she then wrote me loads of text messages.she said I didn't have the right to ask if she was there she said I have to start helping myself I was helping myself I was seeing a therapist and speaking on the phone to helplines and to my Dr I told her this she had a massive go at me and said she wasn't a councilor I didn't say she was she really upset me with this. She's my best friend I wasnt overly talking to her but I thought it was okay to be honest when she asked how I was as she is with me when she's struggling.

He's threatening to chuck me out the house I told her this I told my mum, she's been though a divorce so she knows how hard it was I said I was struggling with it she understood. She finally agreed to come to see me we had a nice time then she was so nice because she's my mum I thought it would be okay to be honest and say I felt like crying over the divorce she made me feel bad for this. I had once gone over to hers after a massive fight with dh and she said never do this to her gain if I do get a taxi to her s she will post me straight back she said she was there to listen. before I was at her house I was very distressed as I was making a noice out of distress I told my husband sorry I didn't mean to it was 11 am he coldly told me I woke him up I said sorry I said I didn't mean to I was distressed which point he said cruelly me me me when I was explaining I told her this we were at her house I said he was mean and said this she then said your just moaning she said she was there to listen before this wasn't listening she was mean. This upset me a lot. Another friend had off loaded all the time to me but as soon as I was crying to her on the phone said said not to off load to a friend not to cry to a friend she blocked me. I had another friend who I got on well with but the one time I needed her I was crying as he was being mean to me she sad I could talk to her she told all of what I said to our friend I said to her my husband was being abusive. She said she found it hard me crying but she offered for me to talk about it and to stay there. This other friend told him who said he didn't love me anymore because I told this friend he was being abusive. My mum knows and admitted he's abusive she refuses to have me back. I told her he once told me to kill myself and she still won't have me back. She knows he can be horrible to me she said she was there for me then she says when I'm wound up I'm hard work but I'm not trying to be hard work she's my mum I've tried so much to get on with her and talk about good things mainly. This friend accused me of trauma dumping when I was crying he said he wanted a divorce I told her how traumatic being sectioned was she was there she should have understood she said I ruiened her parents dinner as I brielty said to her parents I was going through marriage problems I briefly said it once. I feel let down by everyone I only confineded as I thought it was okay. His family don't like me as he's of loaded to them about me.

Seems like a fair few of us were able to read and empathise with the OP. She’s clearly distressed and for some reason you feel the need to comment and criticise her writing… nice. Hope that made you feel good, kicking someone when they’re clearly down.

If you're struggling, you can put your finger under each word as you read it. I believe that helps.

There’s a point where you have to help yourself and get on with it. My SIL after 4 years still goes on about the same things with her EXH. You can advise as a friend, but if they keep taking over it there’s a point when you need to walk away.

I will also add that with any to like this you become blinkered to what other people may have going on. Your problem becomes the centre of topic each and every time. When my SIL had been divorced 3 years, MIL sent her down to us (I suspect for a break) for a week. That time DH and I both had stressful things going on and didn’t have the time or headspace to support / listen to the same old stuff. It caused a huge falling out because she went home and told MIL we had offered her no support! I was and still am very angry about it. Never mind what we were going through at the time.

Yeah. Don't treat her like a therapist on tap. People run out of empathy. And brining up marriage issues when your friend's parents were around was a weird choice. That's involving people in your situation who have absolutely nothing to do with it. Awkward.

Maybe your friend has her own stuff going on at the moment. I know I’d be pissed off if someone messaged me “are you there “ because I hadn’t responded to a text immediately.

I’m sorry you’ve got all of this going on but maybe it’s too much for her to handle right now

I’m guessing you were polite in asking how she is as a means to start a conversation/unload on her and she knew that’s what you do appear to be polite then go into dumping your issues on her.

I had a friend who would always only reach out when they wanted something and was always polite at the start before launching their issues onto me - I caught only quickly and started to be blunt back to her initial messages as I got tired of being her therapist

The fact you chased after an hour would make me see red too as I doubt you actually wanted to know how she was but wanted a chance to chat.

Keep going with throwing out the trash of your ex seek therapy and legal advice and then try to rebuild friendships once you have more stability in your life

Just scroll on then.

It sounds like you're going through a really tough time at the moment, OP.

Unfortunately, it does sound like you are leaning heavily on your friends. Having someone cry on you constantly and turn every conversation back to them is very difficult and it sounds like your friends have compassion fatigue rather than just not giving a sbit about you - they all seem to have listened to quite a lot before blocking you, telling you you're trauma dumping and finally having had enough.

It's really hard when you're stuck in the middle of something to have perspective on it but I do think you need to consider that you are leaning on them too heavily. Because they are all communicating to you quite clearly that you are.

That's what I thought - I couldn't face reading the entire wall of text.

Sorry you're going through a hard time OP. but it sounds like your friend is feeling very mentally drained and I wouldn't like it either if someone was checking I'd read their message after an hour unless it was urgent - just because someone has a smartphone and is always contactable doesn't mean they have to answer immediately.

You can't off load on friends. When I was going through a difficult patch in my 40s, for the first time I leaned on my friends by messaging/calling them. They responded by ignoring me until I got through it! Except one friend, she was great, but I was careful not to annoy her and send too many messages. You need a counsellor to offload to. If your partner is abusive, you need to make plans to leave. Call up a women's refuge and ask for advice. If you do leave, make sure you have all your important documents with you e.g. passport, birth certificate, bank stuff etc. Because you never want to go back there again.

This. It comes across as very demanding, with no thought for other people's lives. Particularly after 1 hour! Lean on professional help OP, and try, if possible, to use your friends for 'light relief' and fun. Stop trauma dumping, it can be exhausting for people, over a long period of time,even if they love you and really want to help. Particularly if it's recurrent issues and the person doesn't make changes or take advice. I would apologise for the passive aggression,step back, and show interest in their lives, without swamping them with your problems. I hope things improve for you soon.

I feel for you OP as clearly you've got a lot going on, it sounds very difficult. But I'm hearing loud and clear that you need more support than those around you can give. It sounds like people have become burnt out with trauma dumping and ongoing chaos. It's too much to expect that a friend will always be available within an hour of a message. Yes, friends can support each other, but you can get exhausted when someone is constantly coming to you with one thing after another, it can get too much. I've been there with a couple of my friends over the years, and have had to step away from a couple of friendships because I did feel like I was being treated like an on call therapist. I actually work in mental health, so although yes I did usually know what to say, I could not cope with that level of need outside of work.

Focus on using professional support for the big things, and use your friendships for connection and relief - go and do things with people if you can, get out of the house and enjoy time with others.

Hope things get better OP. It's really hard when you are a friend to a person with a shit partner who then expects you to always be there for them.
I might have lost it in the wall of text but have you ever said thank you for the repeated leaning on them and for being so needy?

Honestly, you were quite rude to your friend to say "Are you there" just because she hadn't replied for an hour. It implies she needs to be on hand for you at all times and if not, she needs to explain herself to you: if that's how you usually communicate, I wouldn't be surpised if she feels you're asking too much of her.

It sounds as though this is a pattern with people around you telling you you're asking for too much - which to me suggests like the way (or how often) you're asking for support is putting too much on people. I know that's probably hard to hear, but it might be worth looking at how you interact with them and whether you might be unintentionally taking up all the space in your relationships.

Well firstly, hopefully you realise now that you shouldn't have asked the friend if she was there after only an hour. That would have pissed me right off.
It sounds as if you're going through a really difficult time and of course you hope that family and friends would be there for you but it seems as if the people who you are talking to about your problems, have reached saturation point. You need to seek further professional help I think.

Reading this kind of gave me a headache.

I’m not sure I completely understand but from my perspective - People find it really annoying when someone is complaining and not seeking to do anything about it themselves.
We all need someone to talk to but once it feels repetitive and that you’re not taking any advice it gets to the point of why bother asking for any..

From your post it sounds like you’re having a difficult time and you need to concentrate on yourself. Try and be kind to you and love yourself, real friends will understand in time.

The friends don't have to give a as you state a "whatever" reason.
They just don't have to.
I don’t think it’s out of order to ask if someone “is there”, if they’ve asked how you are, read your response and then ignored it. It doesn’t take a moment to acknowledge a message, with a quick “oh wow, sorry you’re struggling so much” or even just a “care” emoji. So you don't care or think that they could have their own lives/commitments? They MUST answer and engage with the OP ad nauseum?
And this? Try and sit down and ask your friends exactly what they feel they CAN offer you in terms of support, and try and stick to their own boundaries.?!
they are not the ops staff to get task lists!

'Try and sit down and ask your friends exactly what they feel they CAN offer you in terms of support,'

This is really strange. If someone did this to me I would avoid them entirely forever.

Definitely same. That's too strange and entitled.

I’m glad you’re not my friend, if you have time to read a message, you have time to say “busy atm”.

Well ditto, given that you think you have control over what friends do with their time!

I don't have any control over what anyone else does with their time 🙄 I DO however have control over who I count as actual "friends".

After reading other threads by op the situation gets very clear. I hope she is getting the help she needs.

Okay I only asked if she was there as she hadn't replied for a good while and I put I hope I hadn't upset her, I only sent her a few messages I've spoken other people who say her getting annoyed by this is Strange 🤔, I didn't mean anything by it. She had told me she is struggling with her mental health which I didn't realize at the time otherwise I would not have said I was struggling with the divorce.

I didn't say that much only that! So I wasn't over sharing I'm allways honest if she asks how i am as I've known her for years as she's honest with me.