Best friend had a massive go at me

[Hippychickbbbb]

I've known my best friend for 20 years! She knows how hard I've gone through relationship between my husband he's been very mean to me in the past she's been there for me! I'm going through a divorce as he's said though councling he doesn't love me or want a relationship with me!

She asked how I was after I asked how she was recently she hadn't replied for an hour usually she replies so I sent a message saying is she there!? I said how I was struggling with the divorce that's it! I didn't go on I said it briefly she then wrote me loads of text messages.she said I didn't have the right to ask if she was there she said I have to start helping myself I was helping myself I was seeing a therapist and speaking on the phone to helplines and to my Dr I told her this she had a massive go at me and said she wasn't a councilor I didn't say she was she really upset me with this. She's my best friend I wasnt overly talking to her but I thought it was okay to be honest when she asked how I was as she is with me when she's struggling.

He's threatening to chuck me out the house I told her this I told my mum, she's been though a divorce so she knows how hard it was I said I was struggling with it she understood. She finally agreed to come to see me we had a nice time then she was so nice because she's my mum I thought it would be okay to be honest and say I felt like crying over the divorce she made me feel bad for this. I had once gone over to hers after a massive fight with dh and she said never do this to her gain if I do get a taxi to her s she will post me straight back she said she was there to listen. before I was at her house I was very distressed as I was making a noice out of distress I told my husband sorry I didn't mean to it was 11 am he coldly told me I woke him up I said sorry I said I didn't mean to I was distressed which point he said cruelly me me me when I was explaining I told her this we were at her house I said he was mean and said this she then said your just moaning she said she was there to listen before this wasn't listening she was mean. This upset me a lot. Another friend had off loaded all the time to me but as soon as I was crying to her on the phone said said not to off load to a friend not to cry to a friend she blocked me. I had another friend who I got on well with but the one time I needed her I was crying as he was being mean to me she sad I could talk to her she told all of what I said to our friend I said to her my husband was being abusive. She said she found it hard me crying but she offered for me to talk about it and to stay there. This other friend told him who said he didn't love me anymore because I told this friend he was being abusive. My mum knows and admitted he's abusive she refuses to have me back. I told her he once told me to kill myself and she still won't have me back. She knows he can be horrible to me she said she was there for me then she says when I'm wound up I'm hard work but I'm not trying to be hard work she's my mum I've tried so much to get on with her and talk about good things mainly. This friend accused me of trauma dumping when I was crying he said he wanted a divorce I told her how traumatic being sectioned was she was there she should have understood she said I ruiened her parents dinner as I brielty said to her parents I was going through marriage problems I briefly said it once. I feel let down by everyone I only confineded as I thought it was okay. His family don't like me as he's of loaded to them about me.

It's an AI tool. Looks like the pp copied the op's text, put it in ChatGPT and asked for a summary.

This kind of leaning on people really takes a toll. You need to work on yourself. I've been where your friend is with my brother during his divorce. He became an askaholic. Always asking what he should do yet never taking any advice. Many of us cut him off until he stopped. Other people have problems too and it sounds like that's what's happening here too.

You clearly pushed your friend too far. She's obviously struggling with how much you off load to her.

I'd apologise and say you wil try to be more aware of others going forward.

When people ask how you are it doesn't always mean an open door to a long rant.

ChatGPT. Nice. Or is it Perplexity?

I'm sorry you are struggling. You have been through a lot.

Your friends are human too and have needs, feelings and worries. It's easy to forget that when your own problems are so huge. It may be that you have needed more from them than they are able to give.

They should have told you that in a kind way long before reaching breaking point.

I'm sorry your struggling but your friend is allowed to set boundaries. I'm not judging iv struggled with mh most of my life and am a massive oversharer. I don't really use friends for this as it's to much you really need to be using professionals. Iv also been the other side where friends have leaned on me and iv had to set boundaries as the toll it's taken on my mh is to much and I can't handle it.

I’m sorry but the passive aggressive “are you there?” because I’d not replied instantly would have annoyed me too.

If someone texted me 'are you there' I would reply 'no I am not'

The other person is not a therapist

if your husband is abusive you need to leave independently. Talk to womens aid and ask them how to do it. Do NOT rely on your mum or friends to provide an escape route. I suspect your friends and mother are exhausted with their own personal responsibilities/issues and also your ongoing drama and have simply reached saturation point. Supporting someone with mental health issues can be relentless and incredibly stressful, your mum is likely safeguarding her own mental health or wellbeing by not letting you return home to live. That’s ok.

your priority now is to get an action plan through womens aid. They will advise on how to leave.

go see your consultant or Gp and review medication. You may need something to help stabilise. Explain you need more talking therapies. Utilise any free help lines. Talk to your therapists and counseler

The other thing to note is that relationships need to be a two way thing. So when you’re stronger and in a better mindset think about how your mum/friends are and what you can do to support them. Most people have their own full lives and own problems. Its not the right time to do this now, first you need to coordinate your own escape through womens aid.

I’m sorry that your friends and family are not able to give you the support that you need right now, for “whatever” reason that might be. It sucks to feel isolated and alone, even more so if you have a visible supposed support network around you.
You already have a therapist, ask them for help to organise your thoughts into a more linear structure, even if that means writing them down. I’ve often found that this helps me process my feelings better. It’s so much easier now, with computers. A piece of paper used to get very messy, whereas with Word, for example, you can edit as you go, add bits and remove them at will. Having said that, there’s also something very satisfying and quite therapeutic about writing it on paper, and when you DO see how chaotic it looks, with crossing out and arrows etc, it can help you understand how your verbalising can sound to others.
I don’t think it’s out of order to ask if someone “is there”, if they’ve asked how you are, read your response and then ignored it. It doesn’t take a moment to acknowledge a message, with a quick “oh wow, sorry you’re struggling so much” or even just a “care” emoji.
Try and sit down and ask your friends exactly what they feel they CAN offer you in terms of support, and try and stick to their own boundaries. Some can carry more than others. I have friends I can completely trauma dump on, and they reciprocate. Others are more a “how are you?””same shit, different day” “let’s just get drunk” conversation. Be honest with them, and ask them to do the same for you.

It doesn't sound as though you have much consistent support from anyone, make a plan for yourself about next steps and don't expect more from people when they've clearly shown you that they won't deliver

@Hippychickbbbb Don't bleed friendships dry. You sound exhausting.
Been there done it and learned.

It's very difficult to tell from your message exactly what's going on with your friendship or family relationships. It may be better to explore this with your therapist. I think the problem with posting this on Mumsnet is that people project their own situations onto your issue without thinking there could be other explanations.

In this case I mean that they are immediately assuming you are being a drain on others and not trying to resolve your own problems. This is probably because they have come across people who constantly offload and never seek to resolve their issues. Such people can be frustrating and it would be understandable if they snapped at times.

However there are also people who have grown up in neglectful and uncaring households where their parents weren't there for them emotionally. I wonder if that is the case for you, given your mother's horrible attitude to you in sending you back to an abusive husband. Often such parents also expect their own children to be their emotional dumping ground/punch bag.

If that is the case with you then you are probably also attracted unconsciously to other people who are also similarly unbalanced in relationships - in other words they make it all about them. So they may say they want you to say how you feel and they may ask you how you are but it's really just to make themselves feel like caring people or as a prelude to talking about how they are.

Whatever your situation this is something that is likely to take long term therapy. You need someone who can work with you and really let you know whether you are vulnerable but just offloading or if you are attracted to unbalanced relationships. It's complex work and you need to find someone who can really help you to understand the patterns you get to in relationships and not just someone who listens and doesn't help you to explore more deeply how to move forward.

I know therapy is expensive but it's worth every penny if you really change things going forward. If you really can't afford your therapist then approach Women's Aid and do one of their in-person courses as a starting point to deal with your current situation. Also look up low cost therapy in your area. Or go to one of the counselling directories like Psychology Today, BACP or Counselling Directory and find someone who offers concessionary rates.

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. Leaving your marriage and distancing yourself from your mother may be the best thing that's ever happened to you in the long run but in the short term it must feel like the world is falling apart. Focus on doing little things for yourself to keep things together.

I have a friend who off loads all her problems onto me once a week via phone call, and during the week via text. It can be draining, but i feel for her and want to help, as that’s the kind of person I am. But if she sent me a long message and then said ‘are you there?’ if i didn’t reply that would get my back up.

Friends can get a bit fed up, so maybe ease up on the off loading. Sounds like you need to leave, please contact women’s aid for help. All the best

Op huge huge hugs. From your op you didn’t even talk about your friend much, just your divorce and dh issues so I’d guess you don’t know how much you talk about him. Do you have family you can talk to?

OP can you write your post a bit clearer with paragraphs please as I want to respond but finding it very hard to read?

Chat GP AI!

It's chat GPT. It's free.

OP sometimes when we are in the midst of our own misery we don't realise how much we are leaning on other people. Just because someone is your friend doesn't mean she's obliged to listen and respond every time you're having a hard time. Sending her a follow up hassling text was clearly the last straw and was probably part of a pattern of being demanding on her time. You need to take action regarding your abusive husband and if you contact women's aid or your local domestic abuse service they will help you much better than your friends or mum can. They will also point you towards some counselling that you really need. Apologise to your friend and try to focus on her as well as yourself to make the friendship less one sided. As for your mum she doesn't sound very supportive, I'm sorry about that.

Bloody hell, I tried so hard to get through that, but it feels like the words are rubbing away with me. Geez a sentence has got to stop somewhere.
You can't just ramble on.
It's unreadable.

You can Google that for yourself rather than expecting others to do the work for you. There's plenty of information out there. This OP is struggling. Her thread doesn't need that kind of frivolous derail.

OP, two things. If you're not already receiving targeted help with your mental health, you need to request this and get on a waiting list ASAP. If you are traumatised then mere counselling won't cut it. It may be that, having been detained under the mental health act before, you're already in the system and will be viewed as more of a priority. EMDR therapy is very effective and I can't recommend it highly enough.

You sound very emotionally fragile: receiving support with this is your first priority. The second, when you're in something of a stronger place, is to explore every option available for getting out of your abusive marriage. Women's Aid would be a great help here.

Your friends and mum are not necessarily being mean, although from the position you are in it might look that way. They may simply feel out of their depth.

I'm sorry to read the despair and desperation in your post. I hope you are in a better place soon.

You know there's always the option of deciding to not say this, even after thinking it.
Of all the difficulties the OP is facing I doubt improving her writing skills are top of the list.

She's your friend, not your counsellor. Have you been trauma dumping on her for a long time? Does she keep giving you advice with you agree with but then choose to disregard? Might she feel like she's going round in circles listening to you complaining about your awful boyfriend but then failing to take any actions to get rid of him?

It takes a lot for some people to push back against what they see as a waste of time - long conversations, advice, and support that seem to go nowhere until you appear at the door for yet another rant? Do you respect her time and feelings? Do you listen to her when she needs support? Does she take your advice?

Op, your friends clearly know your marriage is on the rocks, as does your mum but they can't do anything about it. It sounds like you have told everyone about your marriage problems repeatedly and they are getting frustrated.

You need to take some decisions and act of them, they can't do that for you.

Have you filed for divorce? Your DH can't chuck you out of the house if it is co-owned. If it is rented in his name only, what have you done to find somewhere else to live. What is your plan for the future? New flat? Working more hours?

If you are feeling low, call one of the support services. You can only use your friends to offload for so long before you will drive them away.

And asking someone if she's there !! She's not at your beck & call. I'd be pretty fed up with that too. People have their own problems to worry about.

I'm sorry you're feeling low but take a deep breath and make optimistic plans for the future.