Desperation

[Mimilamore]

Has anybody ever left their husband of over 40 years when their husband had multiple health issues and you are his carer and you just can't take it any more...he went for me tonight a d I am never myself and feel desperate..

@Mimilamore are you getting any rest byte care??? Are there any carers coming in?? Sorry you are going through this. Please contact social services or your doctor for a care assessment and some help. 🫂💐❤️🙏

Thank you for replying, I feel exhausted, have no resilience left? he won't have carers or will make everything so difficult... I just want
to walk away but the guilt will kick in

I'm 70

What happened when he went for you? Are you injured?
It s OK to get support for you even if he says not

Would he u derstamd if you tell him that unless you have carers in, you are leaving?
For respite care, you need to access adult social serves and tell them it is an emergency .
You absolutely can't continue like this and I say that as a parent of a child with severe disabilities for over 20 years .
You will end up having a stroke and needing more care than he does of you don't act
Good luck OP I really feel for you

It s respite care.

He had a rotten childhood and still holds on to all the anger from this. I did too but don't blame anybody... so worn down. Adult children had enough too

Refer him to social services. You have a right to safety in your home. It's sounds like he needs to be dealt with by professionals in a home setting, not in your home.
Remember it's OK to ask for help.

Get yourself safe he’ll have to sort himself out you deserve better

Can you call Womens Aid? Women's Aid Directory - Women’s Aid (womensaid.org.uk)

No one should put up with this. Whatever happened in his childhood, there is no excuse for him going for you.

You are allowed to leave whatever his health and regardless of age.
I understand about the guilt but you deserve to live your life peacefully. Try not to feel guilty as you have done your bit, and now you ate putting yourself first.
Be brave OP.

My love. If you get injured or become ill from the stress and pressure, you won't be able to look after him anyway. Please do what's right for your own physical and mental well-being. There are no judgements ❤️

Bless you. At your age you should be able to have some lovely free time for yourself. Does your husband suffer from dementia? You can't do this all alone. Call social services asap and tell them you need help it sounds to me like he'd be better with a regular carer or in a home especially if there's dementia. It's not your fault he's unwell and although you feel bad for him if course you will he's your husband would the younger him have wanted you caring for him fully when your physically and mentally exhausted? Your going to make yourself poorly please get some help call social on Monday sending hugs 🤗

He must be aware of his choice not to allow outside care in & the impact on, consequences for, you! Is that abusive?
His difficult start is not your fault & it’s not an excuse for behaving badly whatsoever.
im so sorry you’re in this position. Great advice already on here… social services, carers trust ( great support networks) also maybe consider getting some emotional support for yourself, self care.
This is your life too & you matter 💐

Thank you so much for all your kind words and advice... I don't think that there is enough support for older women going through tough times with partners....
It's the relentless 24/7 meeting their needs that is draining and when there is abuse on top well my bucket overflowed.

Well, that is not surprising. Please look after yourself. If he goes into hospital for any reason, refuse to being him home and tell them he is abusive to you. But if you can, dont wait until then. There is no excuse for what he is doing.

I am going to contact social services.... I am very thankful that somebody heard me out there, it can be a lonely place

OP have a look at Carers UK - the forum will have people with good advice - and also if you have a local carers charity wherever you are. You’re not alone in going through this, I hope you can get some support both for yourself and for his care

I'll look into this too.....its just sort of expected that you'll care for them come what may which he is fine and I'm okay with that but when the relationship is abusive you don't fit into any category and it's a lonely place. Thank you again for support as I was feeling like a nasty piece of uncaring work.... or an f...... bitch which is my usual title

So sorry to hear that. At any age, but at 70 you really do need ro be careful and look after yourself. If he "goes" for you, have you ever called the police or can you consider doing rhis? It may be time ro take more serious action to protect yourself. I have no idea how they respond but it may force the matter and help you. I hope you have the strength to look after yourself first and foremost .

He is verbally abusing her, right?