Desperation

[Mimilamore]

Has anybody ever left their husband of over 40 years when their husband had multiple health issues and you are his carer and you just can't take it any more...he went for me tonight a d I am never myself and feel desperate..

Your title should be
" No longer putting up with your shit "

Go and live a lovely peaceful life OP.

@coldcallerbaiter , how do you know that?

Lashing out gets managed by trained and physically able carers who are able to call on assistance (if it's a decent carehome), not by a 70 year old woman who's suffered abuse throughout marriage. What is wrong with you?

@category12 yes.

@Marraccas It is surprising how strong apparently frail people can be when upset. I work in this field and sometimes the police do have to be called to restrain the person for safety (can result in detention under the mental health act and admission to hospital - have seen this!).

Just before he died a relative in his 90s barged me out of his way with force when I was trying to distract him from doing something unsafe.

Even in psychiatric hospitals and care homes staff can have difficulty managing this kind of thing, even with all their training. I've heard nurses say that people can often be quite mentally impaired ( due to dementia) yet their body is still strong.

Anyway - it's not clear from the OP whether physical abuse is present here, but no abuse, including verbal, is acceptable, whether stemming from illness or from a person's character.

OP you don't deserve this nor should you put up with it. I hope social services can help.

The top and bottom of it is that you can do exactly what you want. You may feel guilty but it’s not your job to care for him, particularly when he is being abusive. Speak to your children who sound like they would be on your side. My Aunt looked after her husband for far too long out of perceived duty and in the end it was pointless anyway as he still ended up in a home. The last couple of years absolutely finished her off and she is a shell of the woman she was before this. She now suffers from mental illness and will need care herself soon as a result of this.

Always put yourself first.

The comments here have been very helpful. He does verbally abuse and when I say went for me, he pushed into me and shouted in my face. I am going to seek support from suggested sources.

You have lots of sympathy from me. My late OH needed lots of care and support due to Parkinsons which began when he was about 60. I took some decisions when things started to get bad - I resolved that I would make sure I still had a life and organised a carer to be with him so I could continue my musical life and go to rehearsals etc. I absolutely knew that without that I would go insane and my ability to care for him would dwindle. I kept this up right to the end, and indeed eventually he went to a nursing home as I could not longer cope.

He did behave strangely towards me because of his paranoia - he thought I was trying to kill him - but, as he was very physically disabled in the last year, I did not feel unsafe, although he did shake his grabber at me in a threatening way - I just took it away - not ideal, but what ese could I do? It was deeply unpleasant, but I knew I was physically safe.

I do not know the exact disabilities/health problems that are afflicting your OH, but there was a specialist nurse for OH's illness and she was my lifeline.... experienced, knowledgeable, responsive, and kind. I do not know what I would have done without her.

You have to reach out for help, even if that is not what your OH might choose. The bottom line is that you must get your head round the idea that YOU matter too. It is very easy when caring for someone who has been unlucky health wise to feel that you have suddenly stopped being important in any way and that your needs are an irrelevance. They are not - they are critical. I knew that I would not be able to help him if I did not also help myself and give myself a sporting chance of coping. There is nothing to be gained for either partner if the carer allows themselves to sink.

So - talk with the health professionals, social services, relevant voluntary agencies, citizens advice. Prioritise your own needs and go all out to get these met to the maximum possible. It is not selfish; it is realistic and sensible.

Some of the process of getting help involved some complex financial issues - benefits applications etc. - please get all the help you can with this. I dipped into our savings to make sure I could pay someone to be with OH while I got out of the house. It was worth every penny and kept the whole situation afloat.

Make sure you take care of yourself - you matter. The question "Who cares for the carers?" is an important one.

PS My adult children truly grasped the situation and were behind me all the way. That made a huge difference. Talk to yours.

You could be my mum this is the exact position she is in

Please go to your GP & ask for help

If you & your husband have illnesses, you can both claim this separately.
It is not means tested.
You can spend it on anything including carers, gardener, visit to respite, food, health, yourself

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

This may help too

There may be some local volunteers or carers that can come to help.

You need to tell him that you cannot do everything alone anymore

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/

Please OP, save yourself.
Ask your children can you go and stay with them.
Tell adult services you are leaving to protect yourself from his abuse.

I heard of a situation a few years ago where the woman did this and rang 999 to say she had left her abusive husband and that he was now alone in the house.
The ambulance came and as he couldn't be left alone, took him with them.
She refused to have him back and he was put in a public nursing home.
It was difficult and brave of her, but she never regretted it.

Please OP, this does not have to be your life.

Many people live alone

What happens if you pass away, go on holiday, become sick yourself, leave
What are your back up plans ?

You might not see this OP but I've been wondering how you are. I hope you're ok x

Me too op did you call social services. Really hope you are ok