Bored boyfriend expects me to entertain him

[Peachy0097]

Hi, I'm 28 female. Boyfriend is 30
We have a 8 month old baby together. We do not live together at the moment, I have my own place with baby. And he still lives at his mother's house.

My boyfriend seems to always be in and out of jobs (one of the reasons we don't live together) recently he lost his job again due to his attitude in work.

He manages to find work rather quickly mind, but the few weeks that he is unemployed he seems to expect me to entertain him. He sits there repeating how "bored" he is over and over. He gets annoyed if I say I have plans. Or an appointment for baby etc. It's like he thinks because I no longer work due to having the baby thay I have all this free time that should be spent with him.

He will even ask "well can I take the baby to my mums house for a few hours" when it's a monday morning and we might have heath visitor or a sensory class that day.

I've made me own routine with the baby monday-fridays when he was at one point in work (and usually is in work) but he's starting to get annoyed now that I've even said no your not having the baby today as I'm doing this and that with her.

He would usually see the baby after work hours, so from 4pm-8pm

Then weekends he gets whatever hours he wants

Am I being a b
Or is he being inreasonable

or hes a knob, or possibly both

You shouldn't no. But if he's got nothing to do in the day then I don't see why he shouldn't take your daughter to a class (and pay for it) IF you wanted eg so you could have down time or a hair cut. It's got to work for you.

This is a good idea yes, but he wants to go to the class WITH me. Not him take the baby and I go and get my hair or nails done.

He wants to be with me, around me, 24/7 every single time he loses his job

When he has a job he isn't as clingy, but as soon as he loses a job, he wants to be glued to me

@Peachy0097 to be fair to him, he did rent his own place for several years, a small one bed flat, he hasn't lived with his parents since uni.

But in terms of owning or increasing his own earnings potential to own or moving somewhere nicer it just wasn't in him. He has fallen on his feet though, his gf is lovely, very focussed and now they share her lovely bungalow. But if they break up he'll have squat to show for it .

He wouldn't have been good to live with, he had a short fuse when we were together, I hope he has matured over the years. However he has never let DD down has seen her every week. I think she gets more quality time with him as he has to do all the actual parenting / cooking / planning when she is there opposed to couples together where the mum often takes up the slack and I think their relationship is better for it.

She prefers going to the bungalow as it's nicer than the flat. Despite initial issues of him job hopping he pays his CM when he is meant to although begrudgingly. DD sees him once a week she goes more to see her sister than him now but she has never not wanted yo go (although never liked overnights), contact is meant to be more but it has slowly decreased over the years due to his work / her choice / moving further a way. She is an older teen now so I am curious how their relationship continues, she is fully in control of when she wants to see him, I've not been involved in years but friends and sports matches takes precedence over him (and me, now as they should) and she'll be working in a year or two so I wonder what will happen then.

But she knows her dad and his family and that was the important bit.

Sounds suffocating.

So he's not keen to do parenting or share the load, he wants you to do it while he hangs around. He really seems like a poor prospect for partner long term.

I suppose if you were more into him, you might find his clingy behaviour more to your taste. (I think it's a good thing you're not).

I think since having a baby his clingyness has become really annoying.

I could never have him living with me!

When he has work or plans of his own he's gone like the wind.. as soon as he has nothing to do I become his best friend

OP I forgot to answer your question - no you don't have to put up with his selfish behaviour.
You've been pretty patient with him, it would have given me the screaming rage.
If you hadn't got pregnant would the relationship have survived?
Keep your boundaries in place, maybe be less accommodating. Don't let him come over whenever he's at a loose end.
You're doing all the things a mum on maternity leave should be doing - building up your own network, taking care of the baby. Your DP seems to think the baby is a new pet he can use to stave off his boredom.
Keep on being a brilliant mum.

I completely understand why you don't want to live with this man in a family unit. I had a boyfriend many years ago, who couldn't seem to hold a job down for very long. He's of a fiery nature and he never knew when he should keep his mouth shut. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of renting a flat with him, and it became apparent that he wanted someone to 'look after him', like his Mum used too. The day, he came home and announced he'd jacked his job in because he 'didn't like it' when we had rent/bills to pay, which I couldn't afford by myself, was the day I realised our relationship was doomed! Thankfully, I didn't have kids with him. The difference being he was 23 years old, not 30! He needs to work, provide stability for you and the baby and grown the fig up. He's not a child, he's a grown adult, who's also a Dad, and he needs to step up. Yes, he should be encouraged to spend time with the baby, but ultimately he needs a job!

Bin him off, he’s a loser. You are doing the right thing, it’s his own fault that he is such a child “he can’t bite his tongue” and gets sacked so often.

I think he should be able to take his own dd to see his mum etc.. even it disturbs ‘your’ routine a bit.
I do think he also should step up. As a father, not working, he should be able to take her to see the health visitor, go to the classes etc… Because he is out of work SHE shouldn’t miss out on her activities!! Or on her sleep (I’m thinking working around her baps etc… too)
And, fir some of those, like the HV, you should go together (esp as he likes to insert himself into your plans anyway and he’ll probably have no clue about her routine etc etc)

However, would he really be happy to do the proper parenting stuff or is it more a case of doing the easy stuff (going to his mum where SHE will look after baby…. whilst he looks a devoted father) rather than the real day to day work?
In which case, I’d be grumpy too iyswim

You are being v wise to not have him live with you. Please stick to that. He needs to entertain himself. Yes I would let him spend more time with his child when he is free but not if you have a planned class that you want to attend.

I think you need a re-count -- do you have one child or two?

He is not a great parent. He’s just a loser. Bet he doesn’t contribute at all. Cut losses and move on.

Your bf sounds like mine. Adhd!!!! Get a referral and meds

Whilst ADHD is possible it is not OPs job to sort that out for him. Perhaps mention it to him but her point throughout this has rightly been, she is not his mother and won't be acting like it to a fully grown 30 year old man. If he is not concerned and hasn't made the effort. If his parents haven't been concerned and made the effort - why should she?

We are both great parents, but I don't want to live with him just yet

Well he isn't a great parent.
He can't hold down a job, the baby bores him and he has no intention of being a SAHD.

Tell us what makes him a great parent?

You have had a baby with a loser.
He is not a great parent.
He is a loser that can't hold down a job.
Don't be kidding yourself about what he is.

A real pity you gave the baby his name.
I would be trying to change that if you can.
The same name as the mother makes life easier.
Keep the loser away from your home.
He is a suffocating man child.
Keep him separate to your life.
He will not change, men rarely do.
Protect your life, baby, home from him.

Be firm with your boundaries and do not allow him to invade your space.
He's a manchild.
Keep your job, build your career and life.
Be wary of men that like to use single mothers.

Agree with the ADHD suggestions. All the signs. Get him to work on this even for baby's sake. Meds will help but he needs a diagnosis.

Because a lot of men with adhd who haven't been diagnosed have crappy parents and have had a difficult life. I've helped mine with everything and it pays of. So if you want a partner that is better you will help with the diagnosis. Book GP and get a referral to adhd 360 under the rtc

She isn't his bloody mother

It’s not the OP’s responsibility to sort things out though @Treeinthesky

It’s great that it worked out well for you two.
But it’s not an obvious conclusion (talking as someone whose dh is ND and refused any diagnosis, help etc….).

If @Peachy0097 wants to mention it, fair enough.
After that, it’s his responsibility to sort it. Yes if he does, it’s faut enough to support. But to help ‘with everything incl diagnosis’ nope, sorry.

It sounds like he has never actually taken responsibility for anything in his life. I wouldn’t anticipate that happening any time soon. Maybe when he proves he can reliably contribute something to your lives you will be less reluctant to keep rearranging things for him. He needs to grow up and stop acting like a child.

OP, you sound extremely sensible in not letting your boyfriend live with you. His track record has proved he is unreliable so why on earth would you invite a potential cock lodger into your home?
Mumset is full of posters where women have done that and lived to regret it. Keep doing what you're doing, he can still co parent with you sucessfully and be a good father to your baby.

I won't be doing that for him.