Bored boyfriend expects me to entertain him

[Peachy0097]

Hi, I'm 28 female. Boyfriend is 30
We have a 8 month old baby together. We do not live together at the moment, I have my own place with baby. And he still lives at his mother's house.

My boyfriend seems to always be in and out of jobs (one of the reasons we don't live together) recently he lost his job again due to his attitude in work.

He manages to find work rather quickly mind, but the few weeks that he is unemployed he seems to expect me to entertain him. He sits there repeating how "bored" he is over and over. He gets annoyed if I say I have plans. Or an appointment for baby etc. It's like he thinks because I no longer work due to having the baby thay I have all this free time that should be spent with him.

He will even ask "well can I take the baby to my mums house for a few hours" when it's a monday morning and we might have heath visitor or a sensory class that day.

I've made me own routine with the baby monday-fridays when he was at one point in work (and usually is in work) but he's starting to get annoyed now that I've even said no your not having the baby today as I'm doing this and that with her.

He would usually see the baby after work hours, so from 4pm-8pm

Then weekends he gets whatever hours he wants

Am I being a b
Or is he being inreasonable

Well, so what if he’s bored? You can presumably hold down a job without getting fired for your crappy attitude.

He's a bricklayer

So my post proves that he is indeed not a 'great parent'. He keeps losing his job and couldn't be trusted to look after his own child properly. Is he paying you maintenance? How are you going to survive?

Bricklayers are worth their weight in gold round here, if he's out of work he's really not trying very hard.

You say he likes working but was fired due to his attitude. Those are seemingly contradictory points. What even does 'like' working mean? You both need a proper conversation about his career plans- what kinds of jobs is he applying for? Do they provide opportunities for progression? Does he need to step up and study or train further to get better jobs? Is he ambitious or motivated? These are all important attributes in a partner and a father.
What has he done to deserve being called a 'great parent'? Surely he can share responsibilities of taking the baby to classes and spending time with them. Can you make a more shared routine, so that he doesn't feel left out either? If he is actually free, then why not allow him to join in rather than saying no?
It sounds like you are perfectly happy being a single parent. Perhaps you both need to think about the future of your relationship.

He is sometimes, but not when he flounces off a job.
Seriously OP he sounds about 15 and not a catch in any sense of the word. You sound pretty switched on so why are you bothering with this loser as anything other than a co parent?

That means every time he's OUT of work I have to changed my routine and schedule.

How am I ment to know when hes next going to lose a job

He could lose his job today amd now next week I'm expected to change my whole diary due to him not being in work providing for his daughter! It's ridiculous, a father shouldn't be out of work mon-fri.. going on coffee dates and classes with the baby and girlfriend. He should be providing

I dont think I should have to change my life because pooh daddys lost his job again this week.. there's my life out the window.. now I have 2 children

Well that’s the first thing to change! Get the forms, change to a double barrel. He has to agree now as he’s presumably on her birth cert so you can’t get rid of his now… he wouldn’t agree I’d assume. If he kicks up a fuss tell him if you went to court you’d get permission and if he forced you to have to do that, you’ll dump him over it and still get the name change.

Seriously, you are already leaving this idiot behind. It’s only a matter of time before you and your DD are building your own life together so get your surname put there, for her sake. She deserves to share her family name with the person who is actually her family in her own home!

You don’t have a ‘diary’, you’re on maternity leave and doing a few classes and get togethers with a baby. What are your longterm plans for childcare when you return to work? That’s far more important than the minor annoyances of a relationship you know perfectly well isn’t going to last much longer.

That would annoy me too. There's a reason mothers get maternity leave and - ideally - the fathers go back to work. This is your time to bond with your baby and set up a lovely routine, enjoy baby classes etc. He should be working.

OP just be mindful that the standard advice on Mumsnet is to get rid of a useless male.

Personally I think you are doing the right thing in maintaining your independence.

He can fit into your life and attend baby groups and HV sessions as a good parent or he can look for work. Taking baby to his mum's is fine after your previously made commitments and you can have a break which is important - but let's face it he only wants to take the baby to his mum's so she can look after baby.

Would you seriously have continued dating him if you had not gotten pregnant? I can't see any evidence here of him being a good partner or dad. The motivation of providing for his child should be enough to stop him kicking off at work. The fact that he continues to do so means that things are never going to change - not until life gets uncomfortable for him. How soon before he starts kicking off at home when he hears something he doesn't like or things don't go his way?

If you have a clean break now, you and he can get into a routine now of a contact schedule and get al the animosity out of the way before baby is old enough to remember a split ever happening. For children for whom separated parents are the norm do a lot better than children that get stuck in the middle of a separation when they are old enough to know differently.

I would let him come along to appointments and baby groups when he can.

But in the long term what is your plan here? What are you living on - maternity pay or benefits? Do you have other children? Are you planning to go back to work? I think you are right not to count on him, but then you need to count on you.

@KindOf of course she has a diary and especially as her boyfriend doesn't seem to be supporting her as he should be it is a good thing that she is building a network of support throughout her maternity leave. She shouldn't have to change her plans because he's bored and can't hold down a job.

He's not a brave crusader you know, he's a prat. Get rid, get yourself a job abd make a better life for you and your child. A serially unemployed, immature man who has a child but still lives with his mummy is pathetic. Expect more for yourself.

He's not a great parent if he keeps messing up the baby's routine/childcare and refusing to be a full time parent while out of work.

Please don't have more kids with this loser

I'm going to be honest, I think you need to consider that breaking up and just being co-parents is going to be better for you.

You don't sound particularly compatible (I've never known a relationship between a clingy person and a person who likes their space to last long), and he frankly sounds a bit useless in all areas.

This man is 30. If he was 22 I might say yeah, he's still got some growing up to do but there's time for change, but that's not the case here. You're hoping he'll change but what incentive does he actually have to do so? If an actual living human child isn't enough to get him to pull his finger out of his arse I'm not sure what will.

You seem pretty sensible, op, in that you're staying living separately and independently.

He's just too erratic to have as a live-in partner. He keeps showing himself up as someone you can't rely on..

Sounds like he has untreated ADHD. I'd explore that pronto. Medication can help him stay in focus.

Thankyou!

Yes, and once he's in this home I will have to be feeding him, paying more gas an electric everytime he loses a job

It will get to a point he probably doesn't care about having a job as id be looking after him

I mean, yes you should let him see more of his own child and do more of the childcare while he’s not working.

But the guy sounds like a bit of a loser. That’s the broader issue. Living at Mum’s, in and out of work, a baby with your girlfriend you don’t live with. It’s all a bit juvenile and unstable.

Exactly my thoughts too. Brickies are always in demand

@Peachy0097 you seem very aware and mature. I cannot for the life of me work out why you remain with him?

I got pregnant in similar circumstances, ditched her Dad although they still see each other regularly. Decided to focus on the two of us. Went back to work when she was three, slowly took on more hours and new roles as she grew term time only to start and then proper full-time when she moved to Secondary. Learned to drive, did an OU degree, bought my own home etc. now I'm in a great place, own home outright, out earn ex twice over.

Despite not having the same restrictions as me re working and childcare he worked part time retail for years - he had a degree he could have easily done more, moved in with another women into the home she owns, had another baby. He has a bit more about him than your shining knight but still the ambition and need to provide and stand on his own two feet was never there and I doubt it ever will be.

Do your self a favour, ditch him, enjoy maternity leave and then focus on building a great life for the two of you. She can have a great relationship with both of you and her grandparents without him being a cocklodger.

Only boring people are bored.
Interesting people can entertain themselves

This was a lovely comment thankyou

And yes a shame that your ex couldn't get his own place and still had to use another woman for that

Well done to you tho 👏 I love when a single mother succeeds