Is this survivable

[NewMomma21]

Hi there,

Looking for some perspectives on my situation with DH. We have been married for 5 years together for 9. We have two small DC, aged 1 and almost 3. DC1 has been a very high needs baby since birth, he cried all day every day for 8 months and requires huge input to stay at an even keel. No developmental issues identified just a baby who hates being a baby and wants desperately to walk. Life is can be very hard. There’s never enough time to get things done, although I do keep on top of home cooked meals and reasonable cleaning&washing for me and 2 DC.

DH has always been very disorganised and lazy at home. Never washes anything, half asses cleaning but is terribly untidy. Think 10 cups left in the office, towels, clothes etc left on floor constantly. When looking after DC the house is usually upside down when I return.

This week I have returned to work after Mat leave. It is also DH only siblings wedding. Wedding is taking place 3hr drive away. DC are unwell on top of everything. DH did nothing to prepare for the wedding. I took DCs all afternoon yesterday to my parents house. When I returned nothing had been done. No packing, no lists made, no shopping for food essentials we need for the Airbnb. Nothing. I was livid and still am. He had all day to make a start on packing. I had to pop out for 45mins to an appointment and when I returned he said he felt tired and would probably go to bed again without anything having been done. I just can’t get passed this. Everything is left to me to organise. We had to leave the house with it in a total mess knowing I will have to drive home alone with DC and face cleaning it on Sunday while he stays on for extended wedding celebrations.

I am genuinely questioning our compatibility. I find his untidiness and laziness so awful to live with. He finds me a naggy perfectionist. I don’t know if this is just life in the trenches of two very small demanding DC or we potentially have a much bigger issue.

I would appreciate any insights from anyone who’s been in a similar situation. Thanks

Genuinely, what is he contributing? In what ways does he enrich your life?

A tale as old as time. Unfortunately it's only when the wife gets to breaking point from shouldering the burden of him, household and children that she finally says enough is enough.

Anyone that calls you a nag should be out on their arse op. No exceptions. He doesn't respect you and you can't talk anyone who doesn't respect you into doing so.

He doesn't do his share. He makes you feel small for expecting him to. That's not a partner. It's a mistake. Stop making that mistake over and over indefinitely. Don't raise kids in a home where mum is exhausted and expected to do everything and dad takes the piss. It's a horrible example to set for their future relationships.

Life is too short.

Not survivable as your love for him will die a death if it hasn't already, suffocated in a pile of dirty laundry and washing up. Don't go to the wedding. Let him take the 3 year old and stay home with the baby.

I’m so sad to say I don’t honestly know the answer to this. I told him he is contributing nothing to the running of our home and particularly contributed nothing to the preparations for his family wedding. He out earns me significantly so he does contribute financially but aside from that I’m not sure anymore.

Before DC we used to have great fun together and got on well. Now I feel these issues were always there but without the pressure of DC I was blindly looking passed them.

Don't do it. Miss the wedding. Not your problem, he's the one in the wrong. He needs to get some natural consequences.

This seems in character as he never lifts a finger so I assume the blinkers have finally come off and you see him for what he is.

He has no respect for you, adds to your burden and when you complain, calls you a nag.

Leave his dirty clothes, etc. Wash your stuff and the kids’. Do no life admin for him or his family. Bastard.

Ex-H was less useless than this, but life was a lot easier once I divorced. Not financially, but every other way. It was a price worth paying.

I’m not sure that will be a consequence for him. He’ll get to go to his sister’s wedding, food, drink, dancing, having a lie in, then more celebrations the next day - and without his wife who he is currently finding a ‘perfectionist’ (not my words!).

The better consequence would be for her to go and leave him with the kids and messy house!!

I stopped doing all his laundry. The end result of this was piles of his dirty things lying around the house. I never really returned to washing for him, just occasionally. He travels a lot for work and while I missed the extra pair of hands/adult in the room I found the house much easier to run.

Don't take the kids to the wedding, he will no doubt breeze off to enjoy himself , pack yours and the kids stuff and take the kids to your parents, leaving the house in the state it was in after he went to the wedding . On his return tell him you aren't returning home until he not only cleans the house to a proper standard, but starts contributing to family life or it's over.
He sounds like a nightmare

He’s a selfish, useless waste of your time and thoughtless drain on your energies and emotions.

Sorry OP. A partner should bring so much to your life.

That’s a no from me.

Horrible, pointless man.
I wouldn't live like this.
But, from your OP, your "DH" has always been disorganised and untidy at home.
Why on earth chuck small children into this.
You and them would be better off living without his presence.

Urgh I sympathise. The thing I get from this is he knows the load, he knows how hard you work and how much you do. But he is CHOOSING to still let you bare the full load.
this I would strongly resent and I’d walk away. Your practically a single parent anyway

A ‘naggy perfectionist’??? Whilst he leaves his disgusting unwashed pants everywhere? Op you are a saint, not a nag. I could not tolerate this from a grown adult.

I would pull out of the wedding altogether, due to illness and whilst he is there consider my options carefully. There is no way in gods earth I would go to the wedding and if he wanted to save the marriage he would be home the day after to help tidy the house, and wouldn’t stay for the ‘extended’ party.

Someone like him saps your energy. TBH the little bits he might do occasionally do not compensate for the clearing up you have to do after him and the stress he causes by being disrespectful.

Ditch him and you'll find life is much calmer and goes more smoothly.

His calling you a nag is a classic red flag for a selfish, lazy man.

You are not a team op. He is just batting for himself. He does not care about you.

I could have written this post 15 years ago. Only you know what you want for your future and how important it is for you to maintain a family unit.

Know this that it will never get better. And you will resent this so called partner who will have no reason to change whilst you are there. Even not doing anything for him will mean that you will soldier the household burden and you might well have no attachment to your home as a consequence.

i may have misunderstood but are you:

• still occasionally washing his clothes
• cooking his food
• picking up his dirty clothes and dishes from around the house?

If I haven't misunderstood, why are you doing these things? what does he do for you and your children?

This is very true and well said.

I would pull out of the wedding altogether, due to illness and whilst he is there consider my options carefully. There is no way in gods earth I would go to the wedding and if he wanted to save the marriage he would be home the day after to help tidy the house, and wouldn’t stay for the ‘extended’ party.

This. Unless you really WANT to be at this wedding with two unwell children. Don't go out of a sense of obligation. Call your BIL or SIL and apologise and then tell DH he can fuck right off. Unless you go absolutely nuclear nothing is going to change. It probably won't anyway but it's worth a try.

Do you have a babysitter you can call [and pay from the joint account] to take the kids to the park or similar for a few hours on Sat so you can blitz the place or just sit on the sofa and have a snooze.

There is no way that I would have attended the wedding.
I would be spending serious money for help that he does not provide.
Cleaner, baby sitter help, pre cooked meals.
Whatever it takes to get through this period.
Can you move into a spare bedroom so you can leave him to his filth?
It is unlikely the relationship will last as your understandable resentment will poison it.
You need to protect your health and stay well. Burn out is a real concern.

Lazy selfish losers never change after children.
They invariably get a lot worse.

I am a bit confused, were you both off work on Thursday?

If he isn’t prepared to do more around the house then I would definitely get him to pay for some help like a cleaner and a gardener etc.

Could you try some marriage counselling? It sounds like you don’t love him anymore but separating is hard so just trying to suggest options to see if anything could be improved.

He's a lazy dirty pig.