Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this survivable

37 replies

NewMomma21 · 04/10/2024 16:50

Hi there,

Looking for some perspectives on my situation with DH. We have been married for 5 years together for 9. We have two small DC, aged 1 and almost 3. DC1 has been a very high needs baby since birth, he cried all day every day for 8 months and requires huge input to stay at an even keel. No developmental issues identified just a baby who hates being a baby and wants desperately to walk. Life is can be very hard. There’s never enough time to get things done, although I do keep on top of home cooked meals and reasonable cleaning&washing for me and 2 DC.

DH has always been very disorganised and lazy at home. Never washes anything, half asses cleaning but is terribly untidy. Think 10 cups left in the office, towels, clothes etc left on floor constantly. When looking after DC the house is usually upside down when I return.

This week I have returned to work after Mat leave. It is also DH only siblings wedding. Wedding is taking place 3hr drive away. DC are unwell on top of everything. DH did nothing to prepare for the wedding. I took DCs all afternoon yesterday to my parents house. When I returned nothing had been done. No packing, no lists made, no shopping for food essentials we need for the Airbnb. Nothing. I was livid and still am. He had all day to make a start on packing. I had to pop out for 45mins to an appointment and when I returned he said he felt tired and would probably go to bed again without anything having been done. I just can’t get passed this. Everything is left to me to organise. We had to leave the house with it in a total mess knowing I will have to drive home alone with DC and face cleaning it on Sunday while he stays on for extended wedding celebrations.

I am genuinely questioning our compatibility. I find his untidiness and laziness so awful to live with. He finds me a naggy perfectionist. I don’t know if this is just life in the trenches of two very small demanding DC or we potentially have a much bigger issue.

I would appreciate any insights from anyone who’s been in a similar situation. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
NewMomma21 · 05/10/2024 06:20

Heavier · 04/10/2024 22:44

I am a bit confused, were you both off work on Thursday?

If he isn’t prepared to do more around the house then I would definitely get him to pay for some help like a cleaner and a gardener etc.

Could you try some marriage counselling? It sounds like you don’t love him anymore but separating is hard so just trying to suggest options to see if anything could be improved.

He is on annual leave. I was in work but finish early. I came home at took the children to my parents house from the afternoon to evening for about 4 hours total. In that time he said he was busy getting a hair cut and decided to try make his way through the massive backlog of his own washing.

We have the discussion about everything being left to me so many times. He always to a says there’s no point doing anything because he won’t do it correctly. I have explained that this is nothing but weaponised incompetence and an excuse to not pull his weight.

iI am just at breaking point. It’s been such a difficult year with DC who was such a difficult baby. I am exhausted. I would be so devastated to have to even consider breaking up our family.

OP posts:
Theredjellybean · 05/10/2024 06:32

If you don't want to break up your family then you have to look at other ways to cope.
You can look at that your dh doesn't mind mess, untidy disorganised home ..you do...so expecting him to do half of the load is just going to make you unhappy.
But your DC are a non negotiable...so he needs to do at least half the care of them.
In simple terms ..you need to accept he ain't changing, do you want to stay living in a situation you have to manage to stay sane ?
If yes, then practically tell him you accept he does not have same standards as you but you both have to be happy and your home has to be a sanctuary for both of you. You can get a cleaner in , gardener for garden , outsourcing ironing etc.
If he won't pull his weight he can pay for it instead...I actually think that's ok.
Then mental load for kids falls to you ...right he has to take them to something every Saturday morning so you can have few hours to do said mental load...he takes them out of the house...you both are doing something to contribute to the running of the home and DC then.
Only you know if you can do this...

Original poster
NewMomma21 · 05/10/2024 06:55

Theredjellybean · 05/10/2024 06:32

If you don't want to break up your family then you have to look at other ways to cope.
You can look at that your dh doesn't mind mess, untidy disorganised home ..you do...so expecting him to do half of the load is just going to make you unhappy.
But your DC are a non negotiable...so he needs to do at least half the care of them.
In simple terms ..you need to accept he ain't changing, do you want to stay living in a situation you have to manage to stay sane ?
If yes, then practically tell him you accept he does not have same standards as you but you both have to be happy and your home has to be a sanctuary for both of you. You can get a cleaner in , gardener for garden , outsourcing ironing etc.
If he won't pull his weight he can pay for it instead...I actually think that's ok.
Then mental load for kids falls to you ...right he has to take them to something every Saturday morning so you can have few hours to do said mental load...he takes them out of the house...you both are doing something to contribute to the running of the home and DC then.
Only you know if you can do this...

Thank you for this really thoughtful reply. There is a lot to consider reading it. Right now I don’t think separating is a good option, DC are so small (1,3) and they are very attached to me having been at home with them since birth. The eldest especially is very clingy. He has significant parental preference towards me, which DH finds very difficult, so to have to leave him 2/3 days a week in a custody arrangement would be traumatising for him.

I see a cleaner being mentioned. We have a cleaner but I find that nearly an additional stress because I invariably have to do a big tidy for her coming. She is there to clean not tidy. So while it’s great she mops and hoovers and cleans there is always pressure to tidy everything away and also be out of the house with DCs while she is there. I find it really stressful that DH office is always disgusting and he leaves it right before she comes to do anything with it.

OP posts:
MrsPeterHarris · 05/10/2024 07:05

Pinkbonbon · 04/10/2024 16:57

A tale as old as time. Unfortunately it's only when the wife gets to breaking point from shouldering the burden of him, household and children that she finally says enough is enough.

Anyone that calls you a nag should be out on their arse op. No exceptions. He doesn't respect you and you can't talk anyone who doesn't respect you into doing so.

He doesn't do his share. He makes you feel small for expecting him to. That's not a partner. It's a mistake. Stop making that mistake over and over indefinitely. Don't raise kids in a home where mum is exhausted and expected to do everything and dad takes the piss. It's a horrible example to set for their future relationships.

Life is too short.

This!

Savingthehedgehogs · 05/10/2024 07:28

Leave your house as it is when the cleaner comes and don’t go out. We carry on with our lives.

GreyCarpet · 05/10/2024 07:41

NowyouhaveDunnett · 04/10/2024 17:08

Don't do it. Miss the wedding. Not your problem, he's the one in the wrong. He needs to get some natural consequences.

This is what I'd do.

Hoplolly · 05/10/2024 07:45

To be honest, my DH wouldn't have done any of that prep either, we have our roles and that's stuff I've always done - but he does other stuff that I don't do so I guess it depends if he literally does nothing else?

I don't mind doing the prep, writing the lists, groceries etc as I'm a bit of a control freak Confused but he does other stuff to balance it out.

HowYouSpellingThat10 · 05/10/2024 08:19

Are there any jobs he does do? It doesn't sound like he has good organisational skills.

If you want to find a way forward, allocate him certain roles. Like a previous poster, my husband can't pack. We've come to the arrangement that he puts his clothes on the bed and I fold them (and remind him socks might be a good idea). I pack for the kids and sort food supplies.

But he puts it all in the car (although there is something of a system to that I have enforced in him!)

However he pulls his weight in other ways. Puts bins out, cuts the grass, will clean. He is just no use at sorting things. Are there jobs that your husband can take on? Can you give him a tray for his office and tell him cups etc go on there so it is all collected (and he can move it).

Give him two wash baskets. One for fully dirty things and one for half dirty that he expects to wear again. If it's going on floor it can do so in a less messy way and it's no more effort.

I would be making it very clear that things can't go on as they are but if you don't want to leave him, that you need to find ways forward together.

You are in the thick of it just now and it's probably not the best time for this kind of decision but equally, it will be made for you if something doesn't change.

You are unlikely to change everything about his habits immediately so build new ones at a reasonable rate but not all at once as it will just slip back. There's an argument as to whether you should be the one to do this but you want it to work so needs must.

GingerPirate · 05/10/2024 13:49

HowYouSpellingThat10 · 05/10/2024 08:19

Are there any jobs he does do? It doesn't sound like he has good organisational skills.

If you want to find a way forward, allocate him certain roles. Like a previous poster, my husband can't pack. We've come to the arrangement that he puts his clothes on the bed and I fold them (and remind him socks might be a good idea). I pack for the kids and sort food supplies.

But he puts it all in the car (although there is something of a system to that I have enforced in him!)

However he pulls his weight in other ways. Puts bins out, cuts the grass, will clean. He is just no use at sorting things. Are there jobs that your husband can take on? Can you give him a tray for his office and tell him cups etc go on there so it is all collected (and he can move it).

Give him two wash baskets. One for fully dirty things and one for half dirty that he expects to wear again. If it's going on floor it can do so in a less messy way and it's no more effort.

I would be making it very clear that things can't go on as they are but if you don't want to leave him, that you need to find ways forward together.

You are in the thick of it just now and it's probably not the best time for this kind of decision but equally, it will be made for you if something doesn't change.

You are unlikely to change everything about his habits immediately so build new ones at a reasonable rate but not all at once as it will just slip back. There's an argument as to whether you should be the one to do this but you want it to work so needs must.

I mean, all that guidance for him might work, but why TF should she live like this?
Yes the small kids, I get it, hopefully when the OP and the kids are a bit older she'd leave.
There will be a different mind set regarding this
"husband".
My husband is three decades older. Does his best.

HowYouSpellingThat10 · 05/10/2024 15:28

@GingerPirate Well yes but she's made quite clear that she doesn't want to leave him, or at least not now so that only really leaves finding ways to make it more manageable or living in constant anger and stress.

Some people are no good at an instruction like 'pack' and do better with individual tasks.

200 people can tell her to leave him but if she doesn't want to then it's not achieving anything to keep saying it.

I liked something I read on a post here about the best housekeeping hacks. It said never leave a room without improving two things. Maybe he'd get on better with this sort of smaller level repetitive process (e.g I'll take that cup and kit Kar wrapper) rather than 'tidy all of this'.

Just suggestions to try and find ways forward.

GingerPirate · 05/10/2024 18:30

HowYouSpellingThat10 · 05/10/2024 15:28

@GingerPirate Well yes but she's made quite clear that she doesn't want to leave him, or at least not now so that only really leaves finding ways to make it more manageable or living in constant anger and stress.

Some people are no good at an instruction like 'pack' and do better with individual tasks.

200 people can tell her to leave him but if she doesn't want to then it's not achieving anything to keep saying it.

I liked something I read on a post here about the best housekeeping hacks. It said never leave a room without improving two things. Maybe he'd get on better with this sort of smaller level repetitive process (e.g I'll take that cup and kit Kar wrapper) rather than 'tidy all of this'.

Just suggestions to try and find ways forward.

Never leave a room without improving two things?
He can take the KitKat wrapper and himself out, then 😁
Yes, I get you.
Still, it's a bit like training a dog...too late.

WingSlutz · 05/10/2024 18:38

Hi OP,
Sorry I'm a bit late to this thread.
In short, the answer to your question is sadly, probably not. This was the pattern in my marriage. We divorced after 10 years, my biggest regret (after marrying him in the first place) was not doing it sooner.
The older the kids are, the harder it is for them. Splitting now won't really impact them, and if they have to spend time with their father, they might be a bit upset but he's their father. He will just have to comfort them, and they will be fine. Better now than in 5 years.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page