Do a lot of men live in their own worlds so to speak..

[Thanksforchatting]

Unsure what to title my thread to be honest but I feel my dh lives in his own reality and doesn’t communicate well with me which leaves me feeling hurt.
i suspect he has adhd which may contribute.
example- my dad was rushed to hospital two days ago which intold
my dh about before he went away for a few days with work.
not once has he asked how he is and he has now come back from work and still hasn’t asked me.

i feel so disconnected to him as we don’t discuss things, he isn’t great at small talk and is mainly concerned with his work. He came straight home made a drink and started work again!

am i expecting too much?

No not expecting too much. Does your husband take an interest in you generally, do you do things together? It can be very lonely living with a non communicator. A marriage needs connection otherwise what's the point?

Having ADHD doesn't turn you into an unempathetic and self-absorbed arse.

And no, you're not expecting too much. A good man would be concerned about you and want to be supportive to you during stressful times.

Not really. It’s all about work and house diy and if I say anything he always comes back with how stressful his job is etc..

My DH has ADHD, it makes him a pain in some ways but he is very empathetic. So is my ADHD son. Whatever is leading to his lack of empathy I don't think it's ADHD.
You aren't expecting too much, what does he say when you talk to him about this.

Sorry crossed posts. I have said he lives in his own world and he denies this but often does this sort of thing. ADHD can mean that you have a single focus brain so that’s really what I meant

How long has he been like this?

Of course you're not in the least unreasonable to expect some concern and support from your husband when a parent is ill! What makes you think that his level of detachment is characteristic of 'a lot of men', though? Would that make it better?

I also wonder if he is on the autistic spectrum. He is very black and white and logical and often when I say something he just responds ok.
or is defensive about why he has done xyz

Hyperfocus doesn't work like that. It doesn't render you unable to think about others' needs.

No compassion made me think about Autism - I speak from experience! If you point out he's shown no concern does he then acknowledge it?

i Often wonder if I am being over the top or unreasonable so wondered if this happens usually with people

He does then say oh yes sorry how is xyz but why do I have to remind him to ask about me?

Personally I think men are wired differently 😜 but having married and lived with someone with Autism who really did show very little compassion I'd say it's a high possibility with your H. You mentioned he's also super focused on work - another issue we had, almost an obsession for my own H (now ex) For many other reasons but this was a big factor. You need to sit him down and have a good conversation about how your feeling, then in three months repeat ..

It doesn't make us single focus to the point I'd ignore asking about someone's welfare!

Where did you learn this from? I find some of the info on here very harmful towards the ADHD actual condition.

I can assure you, I am the empathic one in my ND/NT relationship. I'm the one who is sympathetic, remembers to ask. Offers things kindly. Remembers his parent's and siblings birthday and send cards (with my calendars help of course lol)

My point is, adhd is not someone's personality. It is brain pathways that have formed differently to the norm.

It does not mean we become rude, entitled and completely ignorant of caring about people.

Some men might be wired differently but many aren't. DH would look after me well in a situation like this, and I know many men who would, and do.

My DH has adhd and isn't like this to this extent. Sometimes his disinterested in certain things but if anything sometimes he's over interested in things more than I am myself! He's very fixated until he knows every detail and the outcome ect. Although everyone's adhd can be different I suppose if it was down to that that he's like this. To me, it seems like he just doesn't care really. I have a busy job but if my father in law was rushed to hospital I'd 1 make sure I was there to support my husband and make sure he was okay 2 check in to see what happened with him and see if he was doing okay..

Probably a bit of selfishness and neurodiversity combined by the sound of it. But I'm hesitant to say this as it's very difficult to judge these situations - you know your DH, we don't, so looking at it superficially, it may be one thing, but in fact it could be a combination of complex influencing factors.

No yanbu.
It must be very lonely.
I couldn't see much point in a relationship with someone like that.
It sounds completely disconnected.
Sorry OP.
I hope your father makes a good recovery.

Yes @Thanksforchatting sending good wishes for your dad's speedy recovery. 💐

Thank you. He is doing well which is a relief. I will talk to dh tonight about how it has made me feel. But I doubt much will change. I’m lucky I have lots of other connections in my life but disappointed my relationship is this way although I can see looking back this was always there but we don’t always see it at the time do we!

Yes, but so do a lot of women, to be fair. People are just people, with all sorts of varied strengths and weaknesses.

Yes sorry, I agree men or women. It’s not gender specific I agree!

That's right.
I don't have ADHD and I am what you said with those bigly words.

I hope your dad is doing better OP, can be a really worrying time, we went through similar recently. Regarding your DH, what's he like in other situations? Will he do things if you ask and are clear about what you want to happen?

I think my DH is wonderful, he'd do anything for me. But (and I suspect this is how you feel), I would have to ask him in the first place. He's really kind, would always drop something and come home if I asked (asked twice in 25 years), but he wouldn't think of things. So I do see what you mean.

I personally don't mind at all, I am just very explicit about what I would like or what I want to happen. So I would say "I feel very lonely and upset please spend some time with me and don't go back to work yet, it will take me a while to get over this" or similar. Would he respond to that sort of thing?