I've always been very close to my nana, so when she took ill a couple of weeks ago, I didn't want to go and see her because it always upsets me to see her ill. She knows this. So she just sort of laughed it off.
When she was feeling a little better, I went to see her, but since she seemed ok, I just chatted about normal things- my wedding arrangements, what was going on in my life, planning taking the baby to see her when he's born in a couple of weeks. She said 'you better remember to!' She was really excited about the baby.
So she began to deteriorate and was admitted to hospital. To be completely honest, I thought nothing of it more than 'when nana gets home I'll... such and such'. Mum kept saying she was getting worse but I didn't realise how bad. I went to see her and got quite a shock, but when I walked in she said 'iya bump' to my tummy. She couldn't speak apart from that though.
I was STILL adamant she'd get better. She's come through alsorts before, brain tumour, suspected cancer, and this is her FOURTH bout of pneumonia.
When she was taken to the high dependancy unit, my DP (who has lost close family members) said it was looking pretty bad. I still wasn't sad, and couldn't wait for her to get out.
Today mum rung me to say to come to the hospital as nana was in intensive care. I got a taxi to the hospital and was surprised to see that all nanas 6 kids were there, and my sister too. Everyone was pretty solemn and my mum kept nearly crying. I could see grandad was fighting back tears, but he doesn't do emotion.
They told us that they would have to knock her out and then put her on a ventilator so we would all have to go and see her before. Mum and grandad went first, and mum came out in pieces. I cried too because I can't stand to see mum upset. As more came out crying, my Uncle said to me that I needed to prepare myself because she doesn't look like my nana, but that she could understand what we were saying.
I went in with my sister and my other uncle. My sister stroked her hand, but I couldn't stop cring. She leaned over and whispered to my nana and then gave her a kiss. I tried to lean over too, but I couldn't because at 8 and a half months pregnant, my bump just pressed on the barrier at the side of the bed and I couldn't reach her. I stroked her hand and said 'I love you nana'. I swear her eyes filled up. She knew exactly what I'd said. I was crying a lot, and I said 'I'll come back and see you later nana'.
When I came out, I walked past everyone and grabbed my stuff and said 'I'll see you later'. Mum said 'don't go like this' and I said 'I can't stay. I want to go.' So she gave me a hug and we had a cry. Grandad was looking but I couldn't look at him. Then I left.
She'll have been sedated straight away after that.
Should I have stayed longer? Was I selfish to leave? I told her I loved her and that's all I needed to say.
My DP is at a hospital 80 miles away because he's had an accident at work last night and he has to have surgery. I'm worried sick about him too.
I just feel so helpless.