Would your marriage survive this?

[Namechgd]

Name changed for this.

I've been with DH for 37 years, married for 27, we have two grown up children, one of which (DS age 22) still lives at home.

I found out via google maps (which tracks him as well as me because we share an email address) that he has been visiting a swingers club once a week when he said he was at the cinema.

I confronted him and he initially denied it, then admitted that he does go there but claims he only uses the sauna. He said it was relaxing and I should come with him sometime.

For context our sex life has been very sparse recently - it was never great, I don't have the greatest sex drive and recently weight related issues have meant he has ED. His whole family had weight problems and he has always been overweight except for a brief time about 10 years ago when he put his mind to it and got down to a healthy weight which lasted approx 6 months. His Dad suffered terribly in his latter years and died of conditions where his weight was an aggravating factor. I have warned DH til I am blue in the face that he is heading in the same direction but he can't/won't do anything about it. If anything he has headed further into obesity.

He's a lovely guy and our family life is great. The kids would be gutted if we broke up. Financially we would both be living on the breadline if we tried to maintain separate homes, and so much of our lives are intertwined I can't begin to imagine how I would go about unraveling it. But I can't reconcile myself to spending the rest of my life with someone who refuses to address their own health problems, potentially making me their carer within a few years, while they go to seedy clubs.

He says "nothing happens" at the club and nobody would be interested in doing anything with him there because he is "hardly an adonis", but even if that is true I have no doubt he would go through with it if someone was interested. I feel as though it's the final nail in the coffin of our sex life, due to threat of STDs etc.

I genuinely don't know what to do, and whether I'm making too much of this. Grateful for any perspective really.

There is no way in the world I'd stay after this. He is not a "lovely guy" OP, and I'm really sorry that he is disloyal to you, and thinks that your marriage is worth so little to him that he's willing to lose it for some cheap thrills.

Huge hugs to you. It'll take a long time for your heart to catch up with your brain and realise that this is unforgivable.

I'd laugh at his cheek but I feel so bad for you. Your kids will be fine, can you imagine they found this out, what would they think of you for staying. He's a horrid slimy lying little prick I'm it's awful that you will be forced into financial difficulties because of his actions. However you'd be surprised how you manage

I wouldn't stay with a fat, creepy man who lies, would be willing to cheat on me and who by not addressing his health issues would be willing to impact my future by making me a carer for him.

He's not a lovely guy, but you thinking that he is shows either how vulnerable you are or how much he's worn you down for you to think that this is how a lovely guy behaves.

Life is short, don't waste it on this man.

The weight wouldn’t bother me but I couldn’t stay with some one who went to swingers clubs, there is no way he is going there just for a sauna, he could go to the local gym for that! He’s there for the added extras!

Honestly OP, I would be more upset at being caught caring for someone who is likely to need years of it, all because they don't give a shit about their health.

Being a carer is really hard and loving the person is required.
Knowing that they never cared about their health and now expect you to be 24/7 would not be a sacrifice I would be prepared to make.

I would be using this swingers business as my exit card.
Your children will adjust.

Apologies if I sound clinical and harsh but at nearly 60, I see a lot of carer's around me.
It is such a tough road.

No!

MY marriage wouldn't survive that, no. But you sound like you're prepared to overlook this aspect of your life together in order to stay married and socially and financially comfortable and quite frankly, I wouldn't judge you for that.

You don't sound happy, personally I wouldn't stay. I realise if he's not being horrible or unpleasant directly to you it makes it harder to leave. But is this the life you want?

OP, i can imagine how painful this is for you. I have a similar situation, with a DH who doesnt take responsibility for his own health and not considering the implications foe others. And the dwceit over the club is clearly so hurtful for you.
There will be many on MN who immediately say LTB but I understand how much of your life you have committed to this man and how your lives are inter-twined. Would he go with you to a counsellor to work out why he feels the need to go there, and why he has such low self esteem that he is content to shorten his life.

Personally, I wouldn't want to to.

Eew! No I don't think my marriage would survive. He's a perv and he's been lying (and is still lying) to you.

A lot of men with "ED" find it is miraculously cured by some form of illicit stimulation. If so, he has likely physically cheated. Even if not, he is a creepy voyeur - yuck. Like fuck does he "just go to use the sauna". If that's all he wants he can get a David Lloyd membership like normal people.

Honestly, this sounds like you've been given a Get Out Of Jail Free card.

If you hadn't found this out you'd be stuck with a man who doesn't please you sexually, who sets a bad example to his kids by not caring for himself physically and is also looking like he'll be forcing you into the role of carer in the not too distant future.

Now, you can divorce him, stay friends if you like. Get the best financial settlement you can, if he becomes difficult you can give him the option of playing ball or everyone finding out about the swingers club.

Because you know, don't you, that he's not just going to a swingers club for the sauna 🙄🙄🙄

He could go to his local leisure centre/spa for that, did he explain why he doesn't just do that??

1. hes not a "lovely guy"
2. he isn't going to the swingers club to use the sauna ffs!
3. he's gaslighting you saying you should go with him sometime trying to play it cool he's been caught out
4. very likely this isn't the first time he's cheated on you, what are the odds the one time he does, you find out
5. he's a lying, cheating, adulterer, LTB

Absolutely not, no.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, OP, but honestly, it sounds like you will be better off without him. He has done this to you and your children, he needs to live with the consequences.

He does want to have sex with other people and the only reason why that doesn't happen is that they don't want to have sex with him (or so he says). If he has been going to the swingers club for a while chances are that he has fucked someone. At the minimum he will have watched other people having sex and probably masturbated while watching. I would check fabswingers to see if he has a profile on there. He has shown he has no morals so you don't know what else he is capable of

No, it wouldn't survive.
I don't care about sex life and would be very comfortable by myself, so....
No chance here, though 😁
Nothing happens at swinger's club?
🧐

If he was that keen on sauna he could join a gym and do a bit of exercise there also.
Unless he has excellent life insurance you could probably leave now and avoid being his carer (joking about the life ins, but if he is that unhealthy all the swinging in the sauna might give him a heart attack)

If he finds the “sauna” so relaxing, why doesn’t he just go to a normal one at a gym or a spa?!

sorry, I’d be considering ending the relationship over this and the inability to manage his physical health issues personally. You don’t have to stay married to him for the sake of it. I understand the financial implications but you really ought to consider what your personal limits and boundaries are and do a pros and cons for this marriage.

He has massively overstepped a line for me. It is unacceptable.

No it wouldn't survive this. Would be no trust for me.

No this is not something my marriage would survive absolutely no.
He's going on his own so how would he react if you'd been going out sleeping around or trying to?

He has to pay some poor young girl to perform a sexual act on him as no way is an obese man in his 50s/60s going to be able to attract an affair partner.

He's disgusting. Please close your eyes and imagine him emerging from the sauna, red and blotchy and some poor girl waiting to rub him down. Shudder.

He won't change. He's a cheat and with his obesity is likely to suffer awful health complications leading to you being his cared.

I couldn't stomach laying in bed next to an obese man, especially one that just doesn't care.

Relationship ending here.

I would be getting the best solicitor in the area and divorcing. I would also make sure to have a free consultation with as many as possible because he then cannot use them as there is a conflict of interest, I think that correct maybe a solicitor can confirm or deny. I would also not hide the fact why we were breaking up. Get an STD check, he isn’t lovely at all.

Sending my best to you.

It would be a no from me too. There are saunas lots of places, there’s really no need at all to be going to one at a swingers club unless you’re a) joining in b) want to join in and are testing the waters or c) enjoy watching.

I wouldn’t buy the “nobody would want me there I’m not an adonis” line either, we are friends with a couple who are swingers and have been to lots of their birthday/wedding/anniversary parties which have included their friends from their local club and they really aren’t all models or men with six packs, they’re just normal people who enjoy that lifestyle.

A lot of swingers clubs don’t allow single/alone males in. Have you checked on their website if they have that policy, if so there would be other questions I’d be asking .

I can understand noone fancying him, but he will be watching other people having sex, probably masturbation, perhaps making films or photos. Not sitting in the sauna