Would your marriage survive this?

[Namechgd]

Name changed for this.

I've been with DH for 37 years, married for 27, we have two grown up children, one of which (DS age 22) still lives at home.

I found out via google maps (which tracks him as well as me because we share an email address) that he has been visiting a swingers club once a week when he said he was at the cinema.

I confronted him and he initially denied it, then admitted that he does go there but claims he only uses the sauna. He said it was relaxing and I should come with him sometime.

For context our sex life has been very sparse recently - it was never great, I don't have the greatest sex drive and recently weight related issues have meant he has ED. His whole family had weight problems and he has always been overweight except for a brief time about 10 years ago when he put his mind to it and got down to a healthy weight which lasted approx 6 months. His Dad suffered terribly in his latter years and died of conditions where his weight was an aggravating factor. I have warned DH til I am blue in the face that he is heading in the same direction but he can't/won't do anything about it. If anything he has headed further into obesity.

He's a lovely guy and our family life is great. The kids would be gutted if we broke up. Financially we would both be living on the breadline if we tried to maintain separate homes, and so much of our lives are intertwined I can't begin to imagine how I would go about unraveling it. But I can't reconcile myself to spending the rest of my life with someone who refuses to address their own health problems, potentially making me their carer within a few years, while they go to seedy clubs.

He says "nothing happens" at the club and nobody would be interested in doing anything with him there because he is "hardly an adonis", but even if that is true I have no doubt he would go through with it if someone was interested. I feel as though it's the final nail in the coffin of our sex life, due to threat of STDs etc.

I genuinely don't know what to do, and whether I'm making too much of this. Grateful for any perspective really.

I confronted him and he initially denied it, then admitted that he does go there but claims he only uses the sauna

He doesn't 'only use the sauna'. Even if he doesn't have sex at the club (and it's perfectly possible that he doesn't), at the very least he definitely, definitely watches other people having sex, as a voyeur thing. There are people who go dogging solely to watch others.

Ultimately, only you know if this a dealbreaker for you. If I found out my partner had so much as touched another person in any setting, that would be a dealbreaker for me. I might be able to get over it if it was purely watching... but obviously there's no way of knowing whether that was actually the case.

I will say that if I found out my partner had been watching couples enjoying a recreational shag at a swingers' club, I would be less bothered than I would be if I found out he'd been going to lapdancing clubs or a brothel. I think it's certainly preferable for people to get off on watching/doing stuff with other consenting adults who are doing it for fun, rather than potentially exploited women doing it for money or worse, because they've been coerced. But I'd definitely still be upset!

He wouldn't lie about it if he was only going there to use the sauna and, as you know, that's NOT why he is going there, otherwise he would be going to a spa AND telling you about it, as there would be nothing to hide. At the very least he has been a voyeur to sexual activity, at worst he has been actively involved in it.

I'm so sorry, he has betrayed you and I think the weight issue is compounding things - it frustrated you before, but now it is coming into sharp relief because this situation has arisen which is totally understandable.

I think it would be very hard for your marriage to come back from the deceit, but when compounded with his attitude towards his health and the potential for longer term health issues in later life, this is something that could end it for good.

Check out the club. Find out if the night he goes is the night they allow single men to attend. You already know he's lying, that will at least help a little with the full depth of his lies.

Do you still love him as a husband or would the idea of cohabiting and having the family life without the intimacy side at all be more appealing to you?

The club will have a Ladies night too, you could always suggest that you will start going to the cinema on that night and see how quickly he begs you not to.

So grateful for all your thoughts. I'm just trying to hold it together at work today without bursting into tears.

I have nobody I can talk to about this IRL. This is the only real support I have.

You're all right of course, I should leave him. I'm devastated for me and for him and for our family and for the future I thought we had ahead of us and now looks very different. I will get through this.

@Namechgd I'm so sorry OP- what stupid fools they are - thing is if you decide to get past it- it will always be there in your mind- I had a different but equally gobsmacking thing happen and stayed married but I've never felt the same- I was in an iffy position to leave but if I hadn't been I would have ended it if I had known it never really goes away

Oh bless you, it's really horrible and you have every right to feel devastated. Talk here as much as you want and need.

Here's a hug from an internet stranger because I think you need one: 👐

It is heartbreaking when your future disintegrates before your eyes - I have been there, my ex husband cheated - but you are right, you will get through this and at the end you will have a better future, one free from deceit and full of promise.

I could never trust him again.

Yes you will get throught it.

I'm just sorry you are having to deal with this OP.

I've been married about the same length of time as you, OP.

I would walk away without hesitation if my DH behaved as yours has done.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, my earlier reply was flippant and I apologize for that too. Would it be possible for you to speak to a therapist that specializes in infidelity trauma? I really think that you need that support in real life, give yourself the time and space to decide what to do. You could seek advice from a solicitor too and some financial advice, you don't have to make any decisions right now but when you decide what you want for yourself you can make that decision from a place of power. It's very easy to say leave, but you are grieving the end of the marriage and life you thought you had, be kind to yourself.

How grim
The thought of this desperate middle aged man trying to get some action. Hanging around a Swingers club perving on other couples whilst playing around with his five inch willy and sweating like a Christmas turkey… just disgusting.

I would leave

How can Google maps can use one email address to track two different people? 😕

When you say you'd be living on the breadline, would you both be able to afford a much smaller place?

He's been doing this every week - that's unforgiveable.

His lack of attention to his health is incredibly worrying - his own father died from weight problems and now he's heading in the same direction without a care, thinking you'll put up with caring for him. Please don't put yourself in that position.

Your children will understand why you wish to part from him - and I think they would not wish you to stay with someone who has been so disrespectful of you and behaved in such an unacceptable way.

Boot him put - do it now!

No OP, no my marriage would definitely not survive this, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.
It must be devastating.
I'm reading your posts and all I'm thinking is that you deserve better.
Sounds like you've been putting other's needs before your own for a while - perhaps that ought to change right away.
If it was me, staying with someone who can lie to me and abuse my trust (especially after 37 years) whilst engaging in, well, not sure what really because the 'sauna' story sounds a bit farcical, isn't something I'd chose to do.
Easy to say, I know, but I'd be asking DH to move out immediately so I could have space and time.
Agree with PP's, get legal and financial advice and build from there x

Whether anything physical has happened or not, in most relationships going to a swingers club without your partner knowing is showing an intention to cheat (even if he never got invited to join in).

I don't think cheating always has to be a deal breaker though, sometimes it's the wake up call both parties need to address problems that have developed in the relationship. It sounds like there is resentment on your part (v v understandably) about his weight and health issues and dependency on you, and he's gone to this club looking for something (sex, connection, excitement?) that he doesn't seem able to access at home.

You can only start to work through this if he stops downplaying the seriousness of what he's done though and it's up to you if you want to. As others have said, this is your get out of jail card if you don't want to be a carer for him after this betrayal. You hopefully have many healthy years ahead of you, spend them wisely!

@Namechgd

Personally - after this long a marriage, and being in my 60s (i am guessing, adding your numbers) - i could understand the sexual boredom. I cant imagine having sex with just one person for most (all?) of my life.

However - the health thing would be a big issue for me - when it’s preventable. That to me would be an ultimatum sort of thing.
He probably qualifies for Ozempic, btw?

PS - swingers clubs are full of men. There are always too many of them. Even regular weight younger men have to compete heavily. You H, by your description - has NO chance there. Seriously.

It sounds like you don't want to split. It's your choice of course but it sounds like he's a lying, unmotivated bastard to me.

I would be most upset about finding out that he has been lying about his whereabouts and then to find out he has been to swingers club would be the end.

I wouldn’t want to be part of group sex but I’d be miffed my partner didn’t invite me.

Doing it behind your back would be very serious for me and have me thinking about options.

point number 3 lol, a woman after my dark heart 😈