Completely gone off sex with DH since children

[Maise24]

I'm feeling really quite worried. My DH and I had a very active and normal sex life prior to the birth of our daughter who is now 3.5. We didn't have sex for perhaps the first 9 months after she was born as I had a traumatic delivery and didn't feel ready - DH didn't push it at all and to be honest we were both so knackered it wasn't a priority. Fast forward to 18 months postnatal, I fell pregnant with our son and subsequently had a huge bleed in the pregnancy and after that didn't have sex anymore as I was too scared about bleeding. Fast forward to now - we have had sex once since our son was born and he's 1 next week - so thats sex twice in nearly 19 months. I feel completely out of sync with my DH and would say I actively don't want to have sex with him at all now. I just really don't want too and never feel the urge. I'm still breastfeeding so I don't know if that effects things. I don't know how to touch him and he feels the same about me. It's awkward and all the times we have had sex, it's been very quick and been over when he's climaxed.

I can honestly say I have no interest in having sex and feel myself recoil when he tries to touch me. I think I do still love him and we bumble along well as parents and laugh together, still cuddle sometimes. We don't really kiss. I guess we argue a fair amount and are stressed as we don't have a local support network and have 2 young children.

Is the relationship dead??? Can we survive this and get back to how we were? We both want to stay together for the kids as we both came from parents who got divorced but I'm not sure either of us are actually in love anymore

Has anyone else's relationship hit this point and survived??

Firstly, breastfeeding killed my sex drive, so that’s something to think about.
And secondly, have you tried touching yourself? Sometimes I think you need to get things going again. If you don’t use it you lose it!

No advice but solidarity. Tbh I could take it or leave it pre baby but always enjoyed it once we got started.

Whilst breastfeeding I’m just not in the mood at all! Even during it’s just meh.

Im hoping it’s just hormonal…

Not having sex after a traumatic birth is one thing
Not sure you are in love with each other is another.
Do you do anything together without the kids?

I could have written your post. Except it’s been even longer for me! Almost 2 years of no sex. I too am breastfeeding and everytime I’ve breastfed each of my 3 DC my sex drive completely goes. Luckily DP doesn’t have a high libido anyway so he’s not too bothered. It does come back eventually. But breastfeeding, broken sleep and kids in general just make me too tired!

@Blanketyre thanks for your reply! We don't really do anything without the kids no. Our family are all on the otherside of the country and I'd say we've maybe done something together a couple of times since our son was born. Our kids bath / bedtime is chaos and too much for one person, it takes nearly 3 hours to get everyone sorted so it wouldn't work with a sitter and even my mum finds it really overwhelming when she's helped out.

We did go for a hike while both the kids were at nursery the other day which is something we really liked doing pre kids which was nice. It didn't change my feelings of not wanting to have sex though. I think he did, but I could feel myself tensing and putting up the barrier when he tried to cuddle me at night. I'm just too tired and feel uncomfortable in my new body! Or am I just not attracted to him, or just too self conscious now? I don't feel 'sexy' AT ALL! It's hard too when your shattered and in food stained clothes all day!

The feelings you have about yourself are at the heart of this. You don’t feel sexy or comfortable in your new body. FWIW I don’t either and my second child just turned 1. But, me and DP have regular sex and it’s only recently started to feel like it did pre-baby and I think that’s because I’ve reduced breast feeding a lot since going back to work.

Honestly, if you can I’d seek therapy for yourself but also try not to convince yourself this mindset or phase is permanent for you. It’s probably not, even if it feels like it is right now. If it turns out to be permanent once you have stopped breast feeding and got to feel more confident in your own body, then jump that bridge when you come to it.

I think this is more normal than you would think. I’m amazed anyone with small kids has sex quite frankly! You’re knackered, touched out, fractious, anxious and endlessly preoccupied. Who is horny in those conditions? Men, yes. But their hormones help. Ours don’t.

I would cut yourself some slack. Keep communicating, keep cuddling and try to fit some ‘me time’ and ‘us time’ in there. It’ll happen when you’re relaxed and less tired. Aim for that.

I have been here. We are now back up to about once or twice a month, but the children are 7 and 3. I think we are both happier now it's more regular but tbh I ever really feel like it until it's already happening. Partly because we are like ships in the night work work/kids/the juggle. Whenever we get time alone the spark does come back.
How does your DH feel about it? Do you talk about it a lot? I think acknowledging it and talking about it regularly is a really importns tithing just to keep the lines of communication open

The sexy feeling will only come back when you're doing more for yourself - and that only comes when they're older I think. I really struggled with that

Did anyone else find it completely wierd when you were bf to have your husbands big head nuzzling on your breast? It really gave me the ick. I went off sex completely as well, my desire for my husband actually sadly never came back after ds3.

It never came back for me after having kids and to be honest I'd be very happy to never have sex ever again. I read posts on here about how often people are having sex and it is so far removed from where I am at now. It's not something I'd ever talk about to me friends so it actually feels quite good to write it down here as I do sometimes think I'm the only one.

Me and DH don't have sex, small children. Thankfully we are both open talking about it, neither of us want it, the DC have put us both off. We are both happy with this.

Maybe things will change when the days don't consist screaming, food/sleep refusal and bum wiping.

I can relate to this post. In my case, it's because DP and I don't love each other. It's gotten to the point where I don't even like taking my clothes off if he's in the room.

Communication is key here.
Have you explained to your dh how you feel?
Men attach a lot of importance to a sex life. You shouldn’t have sex you don’t want but need to be sure your dh is prepared to live in a sexless marriage.

Together you and your dh should make some time for each other to be a couple and remember what attracted you to each other in the first place. Date night may sound naff but it serves à purpose.

Oh I'm experiencing similar (two young children and breastfeeding) except my DH is not happy at all. He has a v.high libido so is now feeling that I don't want him at all. Which I don't 🤣. But I haven't really thought that it could be breastfeeding, and quick google has confirmed this.

I hope it resumes for us all, it's a bit rubbish not having a sex drive and not great for marriages!

Gosh yea I don't like DH going near my boobs!!! I'm like go away it's the babies food!

How old is DS3 now? I dont think my DH will last without any sexy time.. hope it changes for you!

Solidarity and same situation - 2 children aged nearly 2 & 4, sex a small handful of times since the second was born and just bumbling along. Additionally for us my husband is a massive snorer and so we rarely sleep in the same bed.

I massively miss physical touch but just cannot be bothered to initiate. I literally just think about sleep as soon as the kids are in bed. Very very little time alone without them except for evenings which feel too short to fit everything in and so sex is the easiest thing to let go.

HOWEVER, when we do have it I really enjoy and then it immediately makes me want more.

Sex drove is definitely higher since stopping BF, but I just quite simply can't be bothered.

Feel terrible feeling this way but there we go!

Breastfeeding does affect things , hence why I gave it up when dc was around 7 months.

Also in the same position. My children are 2 and 8 months. I am hoping it's primarily BF doing it so that when I stop things I will be better. But I also just feel so touched out from being climbed on/sucked/licked/poked that the last thing I want to do when the children are in bed is touch somebody else. I think my DH understands but I know he'd like more, and I definitely see that our communication improves when we've had sex. I initiate it occasionally for that reason tbh, but I do enjoy it once we're doing it.

@confusedlots its so nice to read your post. When friends go on about it I just clam up as I wouldn’t want to say we never do it now and quite frankly I have no interest I’d rather be relaxing with a glass of wine and tv. I think my DH is the same he’s perma tired.

“How not to let having kids ruin your sex life” is a great book to help explain why this is such a common issue. It helps to understand what’s going on for both of you and has strategies to gradually work towards improving the relationship and maintain closeness and intimacy (not necessarily by having sex if that isn’t what both people want)

I think the first thing to address is how you feel about yourself. You need some you time, whether that is a hair cut, massage, wax, nails, spray tan, new clothes etc, whatever would make you feel good in your own skin again.

The second thing is to make some time for the two of you as a couple and not as parents. You need to do date nights and build up to a night away so you can reconnect.

Another suggestion is sorting out bed time so you are both less exhausted. Bath time can be done in 5-10 mins. If you’re spending ages on story time, get a Tonie box, stick it on and walk out the door. Mine are 2 + nearly 4 and they go to bed between 6-7pm, that way we can also get an early night if we need to.

I would try for some cuddling, just explain to DH that you don't want sex / foreplay type behaviour, but you'd like a bit more contact. Sitting up against each other on the sofa when you watch TV, holding hands occasionally when you are out walking, a cuddle at bedtime (with no expectation of sex). Get used to loving but non-sexual physical contact again first. That's good for intimacy. As all PP have said, see how you are post breastfeeding and when you are getting full nights sleep again.

It sounds like you still love, respect and like each other (and there are plenty of relationships post kids where none of those three apply!), which is a strong foundation for getting back on track.

In your situation I would address the bedtime chaos first - by cutting bath time down as much as you can, and getting to a point where the children can drift off on their own after stories and cuddles. This sounds like it is the key to everything - if you sort out bedtimes, not only will you both be less tired and stressed, more importantly you can start to leave the house separately around bedtime to restart hobbies, see friends, exercise, and so on, which will help you rediscover your identity as a person and not just a mum. I think intimacy will follow from that!

You'd probably be surprised how many are in similar situations but no-one wants to be honest.