Completely gone off sex with DH since children

[Maise24]

I'm feeling really quite worried. My DH and I had a very active and normal sex life prior to the birth of our daughter who is now 3.5. We didn't have sex for perhaps the first 9 months after she was born as I had a traumatic delivery and didn't feel ready - DH didn't push it at all and to be honest we were both so knackered it wasn't a priority. Fast forward to 18 months postnatal, I fell pregnant with our son and subsequently had a huge bleed in the pregnancy and after that didn't have sex anymore as I was too scared about bleeding. Fast forward to now - we have had sex once since our son was born and he's 1 next week - so thats sex twice in nearly 19 months. I feel completely out of sync with my DH and would say I actively don't want to have sex with him at all now. I just really don't want too and never feel the urge. I'm still breastfeeding so I don't know if that effects things. I don't know how to touch him and he feels the same about me. It's awkward and all the times we have had sex, it's been very quick and been over when he's climaxed.

I can honestly say I have no interest in having sex and feel myself recoil when he tries to touch me. I think I do still love him and we bumble along well as parents and laugh together, still cuddle sometimes. We don't really kiss. I guess we argue a fair amount and are stressed as we don't have a local support network and have 2 young children.

Is the relationship dead??? Can we survive this and get back to how we were? We both want to stay together for the kids as we both came from parents who got divorced but I'm not sure either of us are actually in love anymore

Has anyone else's relationship hit this point and survived??

Another in the same position here. My son is 21 months old. I just don't want sec. We've had sex once since my DS was born. We had unexplained infertility for 9 years prior to my IVF son being born so that really put me off sex. I also don't feel sexy. I'm sure that's a big part of it

Thanks everyone for your replies! It's reassuring to know there are many of us in the same position. I'm quite sad though as I realise now I am actively unattracted to my partner and do resent him quite a lot. eg I asked him if he could put his pants / trousers etc in the wash rather than leaving them all over our bedroom floor for me to pick up and he's off on a huge rant calling me a teenager and saying I'm pathetic for bringing it up and why does it bother me. How can you feel attracted to someone when they live like a slob and constantly have a go at you? I hate taking my clothes off in front of him and feel really self conscious and vulnerable. Every night we get into bed and turn our backs to each other. I used to feel really good about myself and confident etc and now after years of no time for myself at all, I feel a shell of myself.

I always thought we would stay together for the kids but I really don't think there is any love left between us at all which is sad. Am I destined to feel unloved and unwanted for the rest of my life? I have the love of the children and I love them more than anything, but its a sad thought to be without romantic love at age 33 for the rest of my life.

This is totally normal.

I'm 34 and split with childs father who i was with for 13 years, it's daunting, sickening and causes a whole range of emotions but only you know if it needs to be done. I felt the resentment and felt like his mother, and nobody wants to have sex when they feel like their mother!

Don't feel guilty, what you are experiencing is very common, but it goes deeper than the intimacy as there's resentment.

I agree with what Claire has said. Don't feel guilty. No you should not be expected to live the rest of your life unloved. I hate the saying stay together for the kids. Kids are better having two separate houses with parents who are happy and fulfilled, than having their parents stay together and not be in a loving relationship

I have 2 under 2 and sex is the last thing on my mind. I literally cannot be arsed lol dh is the same ! We do it about 1-2 a month but I never initiate it as boring as that makes me sound because when I get in bed I just want to sleep !!
I do enjoy it when we do it, but I'm not going to lie, I could go without ! I just tell myself it won't be like this forever, which it won't, but at the moment it's not high on my list of priorities!!

I was in 'mum mode' post DC for about 2 years ( had resumed sex, but less frequent). Then got the urge to find myself and work out where I was at with my identity. Bought new clothes I liked, started discovering new bands I liked listening to. Disconnected from DP while getting in touch with myself, but I had many good reasons to be resentful. Being left to do most things on my own as well as still working full time, made him obsolete. He taught me that I could do it on my own and didn't need him, so we split when DC was 3.
Note to men, you'd better be active in caring for DC's and home, otherwise you render yourself pointless.

I think being happy with yourself first by looking after yourself is so important (trying to eat and sleep well) and then the sex will be more natural and you’ll feel more confident. I think it’s really easy to forget to be a little selfish for your own needs when you have young children, but at the same time you’re not only a mother but also a woman and a wife. The good thing is time should make everything easier as your children won’t be little forever, and then hopefully you can reconnect with your husband and yourself on a personal level again.

In terms of boosting your own sex drive, including the above self care, I think perhaps think back to the times of when you helped yourself to feel attractive and maybe try again, like buying new fancy underwear, getting hair and nails done, going to the gym, going on a date night whilst the kids are being looked after, drinking a bottle of wine (I mean to try one of these and not all - but up to you!). I think trying to have a bit of fun and not taking it all too seriously can be helpful (but at the same time don’t feel pressured if you’re not ready yet). Wishing you all the best x

Similar situation. Didn’t have sex for 2 1/2 years after having DS and the one time we did resulted in my 4 month old DD. Breastfeed/feeding them both and it really does completely kill your sex drive. The body is an amazing thing as it doesn’t want to reproduce if you have a child that needs your nutrients. I know it’s not normal but it has become our new normal. A man’s sexual needs are different to women though and DP never pressures me so makes me wonder at times.

At least we don’t need contraception 😅 Made me giggle inside when the health visitor asked what type of contraception I planned to use.

I'm not surprised you don't want sex, he sounds absolutely crap. Does he consider your needs at all or is he a wham, bam man?

Do you think you might be suffering trauma from your difficult birth? If so, you might find therapy helpful.

Many women don't want sex when they're breastfeeding. I believe it lowers the libido but could be mistaken.

I think you need to have an honest conversation where you let him know how you feel. That you may be suffering from trauma, you don't want sex while breastfeeding and sex is unsatisfying for you.

Please don't feel compelled to have sex you don't want and make it very clear that your sex life will start up when and if you're ready.

Very common sadly.

I think many of these relationships end once the kids leave home—what they call an "empty nest divorce," right?

Couples often become so focused on the children and parenting that they lose sight of themselves and their relationship. Over time, they drift apart, living more like co-parents than partners. Many stay together for the sake of the kids.

But once the kids are gone… what’s left? Just awkward moments with someone you no longer connect with or enjoy being around.

@Maise24 can you try therapy to figure out if it’s the trauma of the births or something else ?

I mean you’re married and it’s his kids you birthed so try to forget about feeling self conscious . Can you dress to hide the parts you’re worried about .
Also is he body perfect ? (Not even a thing )