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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband downloaded "casual meetups" app

61 replies

ghastly01 · 03/10/2024 16:07

Been having marriage troubles for a while. Two young kids, overworked mum, husband who wants more sex than I want. That's the rough story.

I found out today that he has downloaded a "casual meetups" dating app and had a good browse. Apparently seen some women he "liked the look of" and gifted a few items on the app.

I've royally got the ick. Would you bring it up with him straight away? I don't even know where to start.

OP posts:
cannockcandy · 10/10/2024 07:33

Also in the deal breaker camp here sorry. My partner and I have both agreed upon this (cheating) being a relationship ender and a line we would never cross.
I really don't get people, if you're not happy then leave your partner and get with someone else, don't cheat and definitely don't use the "...it's your fault..." bull. There is just no need at all!
Take pictures/PDFs of everything you can find. Get a friend to download other apps - Tin* and the like and search for him on there too. And then speak to him armed with all the evidence - speak to a lawyer first though.

DaringFawn · 10/10/2024 08:17

PumpyUmpyUmpkin · 10/10/2024 06:17

Helpful if the cheater uses the correct info. But when I found my H had a hidden phone, linked to every dating app under the sun, they were all under different names/ ages were a few years younger etc so I don't think it would work if he's extra sly and doesn't use the right information. Unless it can work by the picture only.

Show quote history

It works by location and photo. Phones nowadays allways ask permission to use your location to find people in your area if there dumb enough to use a dating site whilst in a relationship guaranteed there dumb enough to put there location in

Flickeringgreenflame · 10/10/2024 10:37

The UK has no fault divorces - irretrievable breakdown of the marriage. You don't need to print out details of his duplicity or trawl the web for details. I mean it's still irretrievable breakdown whatever he did. Adultery is no longer one of the grounds for divorce.

Kittyloulou · 10/10/2024 13:59

Hydenseek78 · 09/10/2024 16:46

I would print off everything you've found twice, one copy for you and one for him, pack up his shit into black bags, have kids stay with a family memeber or friend, phone on record ready for when he gets home. Once he gets home say you want someone to talk dirty to you, Hears you go, I know everything, your bags are packed so you fuck off to your online women, you have to pay to even speak to you, you dirty cheating cunt, I'm done, we're done. I dont want excuses or a sob story, If getting your dick wet it more important than our family then off you pop as it's not that big anyway. Men like him will never change. You deserve so much better.

Exactly this!

DiduAye · 11/10/2024 05:16

Id have confronted him and thrown him out before I spent time on Mumsnet he's an utter bastard and you deserve better

TiredMummma · 12/10/2024 09:05

Divorce? There is no other option here?

1HappyTraveller · 14/10/2024 22:34

BaconMassive · 09/10/2024 15:00

I imagine what happened is he dropped his phone on the floor and the jolt made the app download and then when he picked it up he accidentally pressed the fingerprint recognition and it accidentally logged him in and handed out loads of gifts.

I expect this might be the sort of BS he comes out with 🍿

5475878237NC · 14/10/2024 22:53

Flickeringgreenflame · 10/10/2024 10:37

The UK has no fault divorces - irretrievable breakdown of the marriage. You don't need to print out details of his duplicity or trawl the web for details. I mean it's still irretrievable breakdown whatever he did. Adultery is no longer one of the grounds for divorce.

It seems so wrong to take the unreasonable behaviour or adultery option away. Sometimes it is someone's fault that the marriage has moved to a state in which one person cannot remain in it. Having that validated by the court can help people feel seen, have what they endured or suffered noted and then move on.

raydavis · 14/10/2024 23:17

Sorry, I can't get my head round the fact your husband has been online looking to have casual sex, messaging other women and slagging off your marriage and it's "given you the ick"?

Surely that's the under reaction of the century?

northatsera · 15/10/2024 00:02

Ok. Different view here.

You have told us the reason your marriage is in trouble. From your point of view. He has told you from his point of view.

The thing is that these are real things. Mothers are exhausted and also fulfilled by children. Sometimes men feel spare.

It's not an excuse it's just how it is. The sad thing is that this situation has a one way trajectory. If he is feeling that there is no attention for him (and by attention most men mean sexual activity to be clear) then they will look elsewhere. Is it right ? No of course not. ! Does it happen especially with young children in the mix who take up the majority of the woman's time and emotional energy? Yes . Often.

You have a choice. You tell him you want to divorce with all the financial horror and emotional angst that that entails. Including a decade or more of shared care.. and half the income OR you work out a way to have more time as a couple, see a therapist together and see if you can get back to the place where you decided you wanted to be married to each other.

Neither is right or wrong. Neither is easy.

Pinkbonbon · 15/10/2024 00:18

So rather than step up and do his share of the parenting, working, housework etc so you wouldn't be exhausted, he's decided to cheat.

Rather than help you reclaim your energy, so that you might be in a better place to show affection...he's giving his energy to other women.

You aren't a work mule. Not a maid or a nanny or a whore or his mother. You're a human being who he is supposed to treat as a partner. Instead he's let you sink into a mire of exhaustion whilst he has the energy to look to get his duck wet elsewhere.

Get out of there. And make sure he gets 50/50 custody so that you have free time to enjoy yourself just like him.

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