Old enough to know better, but still clueless!

[Donury236]

I think I am being manipulated by someone that I like at work.

I am old enough to know better, but I am also not sure I am good at reading signals.

I have been here a few months now. About 2 months in myself and one of the other workers realized we had a connection. For me it was like a huge kick in the guts feeling. I had never felt anything like it before in all my years. They kicked it off with an innocent text asking about something work related and then we talked daily in and out of work for 2 weeks - like from 9am to 10pm we we were chatting.
The most physical thing that happened was hugging. but like the proper full on holding each other tight hugging, and 1 kiss.

Then it all sort of went sideways, they said it moved too fast etc. We had an on off chatting friendship where we would both each pull away for a bit, but we always ended up chatting again. There would be instances of really really flirty, almost sexting messaging. Lots of inuendo.
They went away for work, messaged after they had been to the pub with work mates and said some things that were a bit cruel - commented about how I hadn't replied to them till 49 mins after a msg, they asked why I turned off the read receipts on whatsapp so I jokingly said because I was getting butterflies waiting for the blue ticks and they said "ahahaha, yeah ok, I used to get that............not any more tho...😂", and then said something that basically called me conceited in a round about way. I cried, told them this then they tried to back pedal. Then a few days later they were texting about how 'frustrated' they were etc, and we had what was probably a very risque chat. Then we go back to a bit distant.
They came back and I saw them outside of work to help with something and it seemed like they liked my company again.
Along this whole time I have given them lifts home from work, or to collect vapes from their guy etc. We back and forth buy lunch for each other etc. They would still give me a hug when I dropped them off - though just a leaning over in the car one.

They know I like them, I told them that I needed to stop the hugging as I had the feels and the hugging just made it worse. They have told me stuff that no one else at work knows, and said they are usually a very private person. Like I know about stuff that is going on with their family that no one else here knows. And because of that stuff I have been taking them home from work this week.
Yesterday they asked for a lift back to let the dog out as their dad couldn't. On the drive I mentioned how i have let my cardio slip in place of weight training, so they suggested we take the dog for a walk then. So I got to meet who they have said is possibly the most special thing in their life right now, and we just chilled out walking the dog.

Ugh, there is so so much more to it, I could probably write 5k words to give the back story and side quests to give the whole picture (well my side of it).

Its been 8 months here now. 6 months since that initial text and all that's in between. Each of us keeps backing away, then we seem to attach our selves to each other again. I have this feeling that they do like me still, its a gut feeling and I am not usually wrong about those. I can be a PITA some times, and they have never told me to go away etc.

BUT, could they also be just keeping me close as I am convenient? I even joked today they are lucky that they have me wrapped around their little finger! I noticed last night that they turned read receipts off on whatsapp and joked "oh, YOUR turn to turn off the read receipts aye??" and they just replied "yup, haha".

The thing is, that I think I am actually falling in love with them.

I think that they know this, but I am unsure if they are taking advantage or if they have some feelings. I feel totally turned about. And its not like I can block them/avoid them as we HAVE to work together, there is no one else that does our jobs that we can pass communications to. Part of me feels I need to not be here as my guts are in knots constantly. Is this what love sick feels like? My head just feels a mess.

It is also hard as there is an age difference (and so a communication difference as well!) . I am 11yrs OLDER than them. I am not in a position of power or anything, we are the same level job wise. I am also um, on the larger size and they are sporty/gym person.

You're being kept on the hook. Run. Sorry to be blunt

I don't think I could fall in love with someone who dangled me at the end of a bit of string which it feels like they are doing to you. The whole butterflies thing is definitely a sign of attraction, possibly love, but it's an uplifting, giddy feeling, not having your guts in knots and feeling anxious - that's the opposite.

I think you need to look at this as if you were offering a friend advice, because a bit of an objective appraisal always helps - what would you say to a friend who told you that someone was blowing hot and cold, asking for favours, and almost throwing out bits of hope/affection like breadcrumbs? You'd tell them to back right off wouldn't you?

Don't let your age or body shape be an issue here - this is about how they treat you regardless of all that. I would personally cool it, completely cool it, be civil, pleasant but not especially friendly at work. I had to work with my ex-husband for a whole year, it can be done.

I am sorry, because it sucks when this type of thing happens, but you have the power to get out now before you get hurt or humiliated - either of which would be ten times worse than the way that you are feeling now.

They’re a player keeping you dangling because it suits them and panders to their ego.

In your shoes I’d back away and treat them as nothing more than a colleague

I didn't even read the whole post, because I knew the answer already. Trust me. DO NOT DO IT. Stay away from co workers, especially strange ones like that. He's using you for entertainment to stroke his ego. Move on and you do you.

Sounds like a situationship which is very intense and up and down and not healthy for you.

take a step back, take control. Sounds like you’re letting him call the shots and putting up with crumbs.

I think he’s enjoying the attention and flattery tbh.

Ok I went back to read it. How many lifts have you been giving this person?
You're 11 years older. There's literally so many red flags in this situation. "You know things I've not told anyone else before" ok sure pal.

Meet my dog, it's the most important thing in my life. Firstly son.... It's a dog.... Secondly , dogs can't talk HOW CONVENIENT. Who else in his family have you met? Been on a date? Has he bought you anything?

This relationship isn't a relationship and it won't be a relationship. You are co workers. You've not been there long. And the only reason I'm being blunt is because I've been in this exact situation and it's embarrassing looking back. You're the shiny new thing at work and he's claimed you. Honestly, bin him off love. There will be someone else, someone better. Someone that won't wait 6 months to introduce you to their f*ing dog.

Stay strong :)

I wish you hadn't hidden the sexes OP. It's much easier to give a view on this if you'd say if you're a man with a younger woman colleague, or a woman with a younger man, two women or two men. Because men and women very often behave very differently from each other and have different motivations.

Gosh you have completely lost me, this makes no sense whatsoever.
I hope you reach the right decision but if you follow your gut feeling, I think you will walk away.

Are either of you in a relationship?

Honestly, I just couldn't be bothered with this. If you're 11 years older than this person you're old enough to know better. Even in my young, single days I couldn't be bothered with game playing, it's such a bore.

This is not a nice person. You're not going to suddenly fall in love and live happily ever after, they'll keep doing this until one of you meets someone else.

Cheers folks. I know it sounds daft but hearing it from people who only know the situation does make it clearer for me.

I have issues with figuring out relationships with people as well, which probably doesn't help.

For clarity...I'm a she, they are a he. I am in 40s. I am also 60lbs lighter than I was when I started this job.
They also live at home...and have an emotionally controlling parental unit by what they have told me.

I have actually told them to FO tonight over ycovering for them skiving work this afternoon ( it was quiet and they werent the only one), and they didn't like what I said, and why I forgot to tell them till later tonight when. My neurospicy brain suddenly remembered.

One of their parents is having a self referred stay at an MH unit at the moment, so they are just with the other parent who they have said has a hold over them. And looking back at this week I can see how he has become a bit more of a manipulative dic as the week has gone on.

They are nice to look at, but also their profession has a reputation which I think they are trying to live up to.

I need to shift that focus back round onto myself as I still have a journey to go with my grown ass, house owning, car driving self 🤣🤣. I may not be at their level of the barrell looks wise, but on paper, prospects and I think in how I treat people, I'm winning.

He sounds like a loser.

You were being used. This person may very well like you in his own superficial way, but does not care about you. There is a big difference. I would suggest saying you want to keep things professional from now on. Explain that it means no more texts, lunches, drives or other favours. Then you will see what a snake this person really is. The rage at not getting his way will come out.

Sounds to me like the guy likes you, enjoys the support and friendship you offer and the pastime of messaging you, when he needs you and/or there's nothing 'better' on offer. It sounds as though he is physically attracted to you to the point where he'd have sex with you if it was on offer and makes a few half hearted attempts to push it in that direction. This means there is a huge mismatch in the respective importance you have for each other and the headspace you give the thing. When he disappears I doubt he's game playing as much as doing his real life, of which you occupy a tiny piece now and again. Added to this, his personal circumstances mean he is not emotionally in good shape and every now and then he wants the comfort of your attentions. This is why he reacts badly if you are off or unavailable. Not as a sign if how much he cares, but out of pique at unmet need. If you continue to engage with him, you need to accept these things and relegate him to the level of importance you have for him. Oh, and never trust him with anything that could compromise you at work. He will be a loose cannon.

What pps said.

You're a bit of a social non-entity for them, they like the text buddy and ego boost and attention but don't think about you or care what you think.

It's nothing to do with their living situation or profession. They sound like a weirdo tbh and could drag you down into their drama.

I'd prioritise finding a strategy to detach with as little negative impact as possible...this sounds challenging given you work together and they're used to having you at their beck and call (they may get angry if you stop giving them lifts or attention or covering for them).

Grey rock, some boring excuse, take longer to respond to texts...

If this is absolutely impossible because of the working situation, I'd try to find some other new external social focus or something to take the attention away from them. There should be something better than this.

And seriously think about switching roles. It seems like you're wasting your life hanging around getting oneitis for someone who lets you come along on his dog walk and sexts you.

Age and weight are nothing to do with it - HJNTIY.

If you want to date and meet someone start a strategy for doing that (but DO NOT confide in him or try to make him jealous. He is NOT your friend).

Keeping it professional today.
Though when they asked when lunch was (catered on a Friday) so they knew what to eat now (bulking up) I may have suggested a bag of dicks.

I woke up and chose violence 😂. They are at the other building so I don't need to see them today....I can send the junior staff member that they just LOVE to get visits from - and who happens to be the only one with free time today.

But I do realize that it is MY head that I need to sort out. Perimenopause has kicked me in the ass hard. I only recently found out that regression is part of it, and I have very VERY much regressed to my 25yr old self. I am neurodivergent so I was not in any way a mature 25yr old, just as I am not a mature 40 something.

If you’re confused, it’s a no. It’s that simple. Best of luck

I’m so sorry but I’m struggling to make sense of this situation based on what you’ve written. Are you autistic by any chance? I’m wondering if you’re struggling with what is relevant and irrelevant. This isn’t a proper relationship. Certainly not a romantic one. Sorry to say. I’m sure that’s upsetting to realise.

Been there, done that. It didn’t end well.

Walk away and don’t look back

Even consider changing jobs if you can but get as far away from them as you can and resist every urge to reconnect as they will only drag you down deeper.

Sorry, I may be projecting somewhat but honestly get out while you can

Keep it out of work, is my only advice. And if that means no lifts, then no lifts.

You're getting dopamine hits off the what's app ticks switch that shit off. Go to the gym that is no good for you

Curious as to why, when you've clarified you're F and he's M, that you're referring to him as they /them?

Same.

So many red flags.
Living with parents at his age.
Keeping you away from his life apart from his dog.
Blowing hot and cold.
Him tapping into your insecurities and using them to his advantage.
It sounds like he just uses you when it suits and that he is an adept manipulator.
Distance yourself and keep it strictly professional and start looking for another job. I can't see this ending well if you continue working together.

Why are you saying they instead of he? I thought this was another woman you were talking about and you were trying to keep it vague but you say it's a man.