Old enough to know better, but still clueless!

[Donury236]

I think I am being manipulated by someone that I like at work.

I am old enough to know better, but I am also not sure I am good at reading signals.

I have been here a few months now. About 2 months in myself and one of the other workers realized we had a connection. For me it was like a huge kick in the guts feeling. I had never felt anything like it before in all my years. They kicked it off with an innocent text asking about something work related and then we talked daily in and out of work for 2 weeks - like from 9am to 10pm we we were chatting.
The most physical thing that happened was hugging. but like the proper full on holding each other tight hugging, and 1 kiss.

Then it all sort of went sideways, they said it moved too fast etc. We had an on off chatting friendship where we would both each pull away for a bit, but we always ended up chatting again. There would be instances of really really flirty, almost sexting messaging. Lots of inuendo.
They went away for work, messaged after they had been to the pub with work mates and said some things that were a bit cruel - commented about how I hadn't replied to them till 49 mins after a msg, they asked why I turned off the read receipts on whatsapp so I jokingly said because I was getting butterflies waiting for the blue ticks and they said "ahahaha, yeah ok, I used to get that............not any more tho...😂", and then said something that basically called me conceited in a round about way. I cried, told them this then they tried to back pedal. Then a few days later they were texting about how 'frustrated' they were etc, and we had what was probably a very risque chat. Then we go back to a bit distant.
They came back and I saw them outside of work to help with something and it seemed like they liked my company again.
Along this whole time I have given them lifts home from work, or to collect vapes from their guy etc. We back and forth buy lunch for each other etc. They would still give me a hug when I dropped them off - though just a leaning over in the car one.

They know I like them, I told them that I needed to stop the hugging as I had the feels and the hugging just made it worse. They have told me stuff that no one else at work knows, and said they are usually a very private person. Like I know about stuff that is going on with their family that no one else here knows. And because of that stuff I have been taking them home from work this week.
Yesterday they asked for a lift back to let the dog out as their dad couldn't. On the drive I mentioned how i have let my cardio slip in place of weight training, so they suggested we take the dog for a walk then. So I got to meet who they have said is possibly the most special thing in their life right now, and we just chilled out walking the dog.

Ugh, there is so so much more to it, I could probably write 5k words to give the back story and side quests to give the whole picture (well my side of it).

Its been 8 months here now. 6 months since that initial text and all that's in between. Each of us keeps backing away, then we seem to attach our selves to each other again. I have this feeling that they do like me still, its a gut feeling and I am not usually wrong about those. I can be a PITA some times, and they have never told me to go away etc.

BUT, could they also be just keeping me close as I am convenient? I even joked today they are lucky that they have me wrapped around their little finger! I noticed last night that they turned read receipts off on whatsapp and joked "oh, YOUR turn to turn off the read receipts aye??" and they just replied "yup, haha".

The thing is, that I think I am actually falling in love with them.

I think that they know this, but I am unsure if they are taking advantage or if they have some feelings. I feel totally turned about. And its not like I can block them/avoid them as we HAVE to work together, there is no one else that does our jobs that we can pass communications to. Part of me feels I need to not be here as my guts are in knots constantly. Is this what love sick feels like? My head just feels a mess.

It is also hard as there is an age difference (and so a communication difference as well!) . I am 11yrs OLDER than them. I am not in a position of power or anything, we are the same level job wise. I am also um, on the larger size and they are sporty/gym person.

Gently op what have your previous relationships looked like? I ask because there are so many red flags in this entire situation and the person’s behaviour yet you write you think you’re falling in love. Have you been in any stable, loving relationships with trustworthy faithful partners? If you have, think back to how those partners treated you and realise this person is treating you like a piece of shit.

I think you need to look at this as if you were offering a friend advice, because a bit of an objective appraisal always helps - what would you say to a friend who told you that someone was blowing hot and cold, asking for favours, and almost throwing out bits of hope/affection like breadcrumbs? You'd tell them to back right off wouldn't you?

This.

Stop making this about the other person and start making this about what you want. However, given this person’s behaviour thus far, I’d give them a wide berth because they aren’t the adult you want them to be.

I read this thinking you were both at college/uni. Run. Ffs- they're manipulating you.

In this instance the abused has become the abuser. This guy is a master manipulator and has got you exactly where he wants you. He's seen the vulnerability in you and swooped right in there giving you breadcrumbs of affection in return for you becoming his personal flunkie. This is a dangerous dynamic to be in for you OP. You sound like a lovely, driven person that's going to be a catch. Start thinking about working towards a promotion at work as you sound beyond this persons capability level. You're right you are streets ahead of him. Be strong and get yourself out of this horrible situationship, keep building your self esteem and find an appropriate relationship. And when you say picking up vapes from his guy, do you mean from a dealer? If so you need to stop that yesterday, you do not need a criminal record on account of this user. Start seeing everything this guy does for what it is...manipulating you for what he can get. Sorry op, you really do deserve a lot better than this!

What @5128gap said, but your update involving ‘choosing violence’ and ‘a bag of dicks’ is difficult to understand. I understand why people are asking if you generally struggle with social cues.

I even joked today they are lucky that they have me wrapped around their little finger!

It's not really funny though. This is going nowhere and you know it. If you lost your license tomorrow you wouldn't see them for dust, you're a convenient free of charge Uber and they're enjoing having you on the hook.

You just need to choose if that's what you want. Whether you think you're falling in love with them is not really relevant, they don't feel the same. Find another diversion, don't drag this out it will get embarrassing and you'll have to find another job.

OP you've been manipulated into being a useful 'friend' who is willing to gives lifts, advice and attention to a man child who has used you as someone to give him free therapy and also act as a skivvy and an emotional support blanket. Close down all that now and go very low contact. He is not a nice person he is just using you. Maybe consider counselling to help you build up your boundaries.

this is starting to sound even more unsettling. Choosing violence and suggesting a bag of dicks?? OP you need to step away because BOTH of you are being unkind to each other. Just ignore this man. there is no need to say mean things and act aggressively (verbally or physically- I’m not sure which you mean with violence). I really cannot understand how you think you are in love and then going to a bag of ducks and choosing violence. There is NOTHING professional about that type of behaviour.
I seriously suggest getting some counselling to unpack how this has affected you and learn what normal relationships look like.

You sound ridiculous. Stop it. You are not a big thing in this man's life. Get on with with your own life.