Help - just found out something I now wish I hadn't....advice needed pls

[Lucyloo81]

Hi

I've posted on here a few times recently about my relationship problems. We have a 9 week old DS (unplanned) and things aren't going great with me and my partner. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he wasn't that happy with our relationship and was thinking of leaving. Since then I have found out what is making him unhappy and done my best to remedy it - one of the things was I'd made him stop smoking weed before the baby came and I've since said if he feels he needs that to keep happy then go ahead (against my better judgement). Things have been picking up slightly but we're still on shaky ground and still feel totally stuck in limbo.

Then this morning his bank statement came in the post. We were supposed to get a joint account when the baby came and I had given him £800 to get him out of his overdraft but obviously when he dropped this bombshell that he may leave we didn't bother. I was curious as to how his finances are as he is quite cagey about it normally - turns out he's been doing a lot of gambling. I always knew he liked a flutter but this is up to £100 per day and seems to be a couple of bets most days. Don't get me wrong there are some winnings coming in too so its not like he's lost loads of money but in one month there is about £600 in and out through gambling. Its the secrecy that worried me. What do I do know? We're on shaky ground anyway so I'm worried saying anything and he'll walk but at the same time don't think I can just not mention it?? When is it a problem/addiction? He does sit on a betting website a lot but he told me that was just to watch games. Feel like such an idiot....Not sure where to go from here, any advice would be great.

Mmmmm

My Dh enjoys both those hobbies too. The betting one is the scariest and he had a one moment when he got really in to it.

Difficult to give advice I tried to keep light hearted about it so he didn't feel he had to hide things from me. (Which is what I would do if I knew someone woudl dissapprove and nag) I try to remember I am his partner, wife and friend not his mum. But at the same time it is scary when it is the families finances that are at stake.

Don't reall know what to say. Perhaps discuss enjoying the betting together off line eg races etc. Or a limit of £50 p/w and trying to stick to that. Would he feel to 'controlled' by that.

DH did stop using the websites after a few months, got bored of it I think. It is very easy to lose a lot of money very quickly though.

I think blokes/people that like to do these things are natural rebels - I know my DH is and if I try to control him, he definately bucks against it. Very subtle erm 'management' is needed.

Having said all that - my DH does keep himself in check as he knows he can be a bit of a loose cannon. I

I guess I'm just annoyed as well cos I'm wondering if thats why he was so far into his overdraft and why I had to give him £800 and I didn't mind doing that when it was 'our' money but if he's wasting it betting then its a different story.

I have tried to take a vague interest in his betting and he had promised max bets of £5 per week. We even went to the casino recently and managed to come back in profit as he acted all sensible which clearly he's not from his bank statement.

He is def the rebel type and hates me trying to control him but I'm just worried that this is another sign I should get out as I'm with the wrong person. I want to feel secure in my relationship not like I have to constantly spy on him to see what he's up to.

I'm just worried if I confront him he'll get really defensive and it'll make things even worse but I feel I need to mention it.

I think the best thing to do is sit down with him and be honest about how you feel about it exactly as you have been on this thread if you can't do that then you really are with the wrong person.

Fwiw everyone has a rough time of it when babies arrive, lack of sleep, hormones, interfering family, fairness of who is doing most of the work etc etc etc it's never easy especially when you are both tired and irrational BUT things will calm down and you will be able to feel a lot better about things.

Keep your money seperate from him until things have calmed down and you can be sure he won't waste money that is much needed for your baby right now, perhaps ask him to set up a direct debit into your account for a set amount to help cover the cost of nappies, clothes etc

There are no wealthy gamblers. You gave him a lot of money to sort his finances and now he's gambling more money away...IMO, that is just not on. But then I'm one of those gals that got burnt fingers helping out my exh...he still owes me thousands and I will never see it back in my pocket.

Would you be ok if you lost everything because his gambling got out of hand? I've seen people go downhill fast because of this and I've also seen worse. People committing suicide because of the shame and deceit and being unable to see the light and get things back to normal.
You sound like you are trying to hold onto him regardless of the stuff he wants to do. What if the next thing is seeing other women, would you be ok with that too? you need to know that you and your baby are ok without worrying about the finances. DON'T get a joint account with him! God, I sound totally anti don't I? I've just seen it before and I've been you too...' you can do anything you like darling, as long as you don't leave me'. The reality was that if I'd stayed with exh, I'd most likely have lost my house because of his debts. Wasn't prepared to let that happen. Thankfully, he isn't my Dc's father.
Take care of yourself.x

I get the feeling you are scared to talk to him about it all in case it makes him leave. No loss tbh. You have to put your baby first and your baby needs a mum who is happy, a dad who is around and not doped up and enough food and clothes. Good luck.

I would definately talk to him about it. I would try not to judge him or sound too 'holier than thou' during the conversation. I would keep money separate. I would carry on with the relationship, with a healthy degree of scepticism about it. He may not be strong enough, or reliable enough to cope with a family but if you give him some freedom to sort it out himself he just may come through stronger and better able to cope in the long run.

That is what I would do, but I have never met him or you so don't know if he is mature enough to do that or you are both in love enough for it to happen.

Thanks everyone - don't know what I'd have done without MN this last couple of weeks. I am scared he leaves me - I have a lot of good friends but have lost both parents and no siblings so just feel like I would really be on my own. Don't get me wrong if it comes to it, I know I'll cope but I just so wanted things to work out and us to be a happy family and I'm just hoping that he'll grow up soon and start being the father I want him to be. I don't think (??) he would run up crazy debts but then I don't know, I didn't think he'd be betting as much as he is. I'm just worried that if I confront him about it he'll say its all profit, but does this make it ok? or is it still cause for concern do you think?

No it's not ok. IMO unless you are literally only gambling money that is over and above what you need to live, it is a problem. Doesn't matter if he wins sometimes, or even most of the time, what about the month he doesn't win and you can't pay the rent?
He's in financial difficulty, he has a child on the way, therefore gambling is NOT ON. If he can stick to £5 a week or whatever you can afford, then ok, but he clearly can't.
You cannot have a relationship where you can't discuss things in case he leaves you. That way madness, abuse and doormattery lies.

This man is certainly not a good role model for your son is he?. I think you need to seriously start considering life as a single parent because he is dragging you and your son down with him and will continue to act selfishly to your detriments.

There is now your son to consider as well. He needs to be your primary focus now.

You're scared of such a man like this leaving you - I think he's emotionally left already and was never a responsible enough individual for anything with a whiff of responsibly, let alone fatherhood, in the first place. All he cares about is him - not you and certainly not his child. Better to walk alone than to be badly accompanied.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

This man is an inveterate gambler and has a weed addiction; it sounds like he's swapped one addictive behaviour for yet another.
He has done nothing to try and rectify the underlying issues but has blamed you instead. You are not his enabler (you cannot enable him anymore and you have enabled him by giving him money for his overdraft and saying yes to him continuing the cannabis) and you cannot act as his rescuer either.

Many people with gambling problems say that they're looking for the big win or profit then after that they will quit. He will not quit and likely thinks he does not have a problem. Why should you also be the one to try and fix his problems?. Again this comes back to enabling and rescuing - it does not work.

Get support for your own self - contact the CAB for legal advice and Gamcare.

This looks like someone who has been through it and tried to stick it out, if i were you i'd nip it in the bud. I bet she felt like you do once up on a time

Please also consider this

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here

speaking from some experience my father was a compulsive gambler and we nearly lost the house four times. He defaulted on the mortgage numerous times and if it wasn't for the generosity of my mums folks and my dads folks we would have been homeless. the last time he did it, my sister and I had moved out, I was at uni and my sis was with her then boyf. My mum wasn't allowed to know what was going on in the finances and my dad had taken a job in leicester after being made redundant, so was away in the week. the final demands started to come in again, so she rang him and told him not to bother coming home that weekend. Luckily she was self sufficient, paid the debts, sold the house, paid off my dad and moved on with her life.

My dad remarried again and now seems to be a cured man, he just found the right woman. I'm sorry to say if people have addictive personalilities, if they give one habit up (the weed) they will look elsewhere to feed the 'habit' (gambling), give up gambling and he may well take up boozing....He needs help, and you need the security of knowing bills will be paid every month and you will have a roof over your head.

You sit down and talk, if he's commited to you and your son, he will seek the help he needs, it is however not up to you to fix him. Maybe you could move out for a few weeks/months give him chance to breath and think and decide if he wants to change.

Sorry to be negative, but as a child myself in the kind of relationship you are in now, you owe it to your son to think of him and not your DH/P first.

make sure you keep your finances separate and get no joint credit with him at all.

Don't put anything, including bank accounts, in joint names. Ring-fence anything that is yours.

I'm sorry to be brutal, but it sounds like he's holding the threat of leaving over you so you don't kick up a fuss, but is it really worth placating him to live like this?

I think a lot of the problem is he knows we would never end up on the streets as I have a fair bit of money aside from inheritance (that he doesn't have access to). As far as I know he doesn't have any debts at all atm, he just seems to spend all his money each month.

With the smoking he is only doing it once every couple of weeks (so far) and I have made sure its away from the baby and that he showers after it so there is no smell on him.

I'm not trying to defend him or make excuses for him, I'm just trying to make sure I paint an accurate picture as I don't want to make him sound worse than he is.

Up until he told me he wasn't happy I would've said we had a really good relationship, we have a good laugh together and I really thought everything was great. Now since he's told me he's not happy he's a bit moodier and we're both so on edge that things don't seem so good.

I'm just not sure if I should be hanging on hoping things even out and its just a period of adjustment or if really I'm kidding myself on?

It is not up to you to try and make him happy if he states that he is unhappy and was thinking of leaving. Its down to him ultimately.

He is still no role model for your son to look up to. He needs a responsible father and this man to date has acted selfishly and secretively. A lot of his money is spent on gambling. You do not know how much.

The ball is in your court - you need to think of you and your son ultimately. Is this the sort of person you want for your son to look up to?.

You're right I know he's not a good role model for our DS. He has come home from work and after chatting with him about it (or trying at least) we have decided to split.

I didn't want to be left in limbo for much longer and he admitted his heart wasn't in it anymore. So upset though, managed to hold it together pretty much in front of him but now I'm gutted, its taking all my strength not to say 'I take it back, lets keep trying' but I think deep down I know this is the right decision.

Now I just don't know what to do - I can't afford the mortgage on this place alone (even if he helped out) so we'll need to sell and move.

I'm so dreading telling people as only 2 of my friends have any idea that we've been having problem - everyone else thinks we're this perfect happy little family.

So wish I could just go get p*ssed tonight but I guess the baby will be what keeps me going tonight and other nights......

Awww Lucy, sorry to hear this. Am in process of splitting up with my dp/exdp too. We have a 5 week old baby so I know just how you feel.

Is it possible not to hate them when they do this? I really don't want to end up horrible and bitter but at the same time I feel so cheated, he'd promised me so much and now I can't believe I'm on my own. I know I need to stay strong for my DS but god now is the time I feel like I could do with a good long sob and few bottles of wine!

Not sure how I'm going to get through this....

Don't give him money ever again - what if he's sticking around cos he know's you'll always sort out his messes. It wouldn't take him long to get through your inheritance!

Not a nice situation however you look at it but your right. Your baby will keep you strong. I think you are definately doing the right thing from what you have said. My partner comes from a drinking and gambling background. I only realised this after I got pregnant. I cant believe I didnt know beforehand. I do love him when hes in his 'nice' moods. Sometimes when he has had a drink and gambles mostly on the internet I hate the man he changes into. I dont know if you can relate to this. Its so hard. He keeps secrets and acts very shifty when questions.This isnt good and its not the greatest way to start your sons life but its better to get yourself and him settled without the worries of dp. Keep strong and accept any help you can x

I feel more sad and pitying for my XP as he doesn't even seem to realise what he is losing, all because he wants to be the boy who doesn't grow up. Pathetic.

You will get through it, I will get through it, everytime I look at my gorgeous baby he just pales in significance - as she is amazing!

Surround yourself with friends, family, chocolate and wine (you can have a glass!) and don't try and rush things. It hurts like fuck and will do for a while but it will end, one day - that's what gets me through. Listen to lots of empowering music.

Oh and MOST importantly, keep Mumsnetting!!

Thanks everyone. Not sure if I've ever been so scared in my life but I know I will get through this - because I have to for my DS if not for myself.

I do just hope he wakes up one day and realises what he's missed out on.

I just wish I could fast forward through the next month and have the house sold and be somewhere else and feeling a bit more positive about things.

I'm just dreading having to start the process of selling the house etc as I'm worried I'll break down in tears in the middle of it! I guess what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger....

He told me this morning that he doesn't love me anymore anyway, I think this is the bit that hurts the most - it was easier when I could blame the smoking or the gambling for our break up.

I'm supposed to be going to the first class of a 'new mums' group today but don't know if I'll be able to hold it together. At the same time I'm worried if I wallow in self pity too long I'll struggle to get back up. Just dreading having to start telling family and friends today, I know everyone thought we were so happy.

Go to the 'new mums' class. These are your new friends and having friends with babies the same age is important at this stage anyway -- even more so if your XP isn't going to be around and you don't have family. These will be the people who will actually be interested in what your DS is doing, the exciting consistency of his poos, etc., etc. And these are the first new friends you are making as a lone parent. It's a new stage in your life.