Help - just found out something I now wish I hadn't....advice needed pls

[Lucyloo81]

Hi

I've posted on here a few times recently about my relationship problems. We have a 9 week old DS (unplanned) and things aren't going great with me and my partner. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he wasn't that happy with our relationship and was thinking of leaving. Since then I have found out what is making him unhappy and done my best to remedy it - one of the things was I'd made him stop smoking weed before the baby came and I've since said if he feels he needs that to keep happy then go ahead (against my better judgement). Things have been picking up slightly but we're still on shaky ground and still feel totally stuck in limbo.

Then this morning his bank statement came in the post. We were supposed to get a joint account when the baby came and I had given him £800 to get him out of his overdraft but obviously when he dropped this bombshell that he may leave we didn't bother. I was curious as to how his finances are as he is quite cagey about it normally - turns out he's been doing a lot of gambling. I always knew he liked a flutter but this is up to £100 per day and seems to be a couple of bets most days. Don't get me wrong there are some winnings coming in too so its not like he's lost loads of money but in one month there is about £600 in and out through gambling. Its the secrecy that worried me. What do I do know? We're on shaky ground anyway so I'm worried saying anything and he'll walk but at the same time don't think I can just not mention it?? When is it a problem/addiction? He does sit on a betting website a lot but he told me that was just to watch games. Feel like such an idiot....Not sure where to go from here, any advice would be great.

Lucy, where are you? Mumsnet post-natal groups are a good place for day to day baby stuff and often have meet ups.

Feel free to join in with March, we have some Feb babies on there too.

PandL is totally right, you should really go to the new mums group. Good luck!

So:
You were happy with your relationship - but he had a gambling hobby / habit without you knowing?
He knows about your money, your inheritance, but is cagey and keeps his own financial affairs close to his chest - even though he has relied on YOU to clear his overdraft?
He 'isn't happy with the relationship' and is thinking of leaving?
He doesn't agree with your policy of not smoking weed now you have a baby - and to appease him in his unhappiness you have let that go.

..oh, sorry, Lucy...I have now read your post of this morning. I'm sorry - I know it must be very very painful to be rejected like that, and very painful to find out so much when you thought you were so happy.

You won't feel it now, but in all honesty, given the little list I posted above, he isn't going to be a reliable, trustworthy, loving partner to you, or dad to your baby.

Your friends and family will hopefully rally, you will get lots of support on MN, and one day, a long way in the future, you will look at what was REALLY going on and be glad he went now, before wreaking havoc in your life and finances. None of this is your fault, YOU haven't made him unhappy, you weren't unreasonable about the no-smoking policy, you can't makle him either love you or behave responsibly by giving him your money - and he has betrayed you and kept the truth from you.

So sorry. But it is true - you deserve better. You sound very sweet and genberous and sensitive. You need someone who respects the role of truth and trust in a partnership.

Ahhh, so annoyed at myself. After a morning of sitting and crying a lot I decided to pull myself together and go to the new mums class - when I got there I couldn't find it - turns out I had turned up at the clinic where the letter was sent from rather than where it was being held!

He's now looking at renting a flat and moving out. Only thing is now I don't know how I'm gonna get this place in a decent state to sell it - a baby just seems to mean so much mess and I can't imagine being able to keep it tidy for weeks for viewings. There is just so much to think about and every time I start I just end up in tears....

Yesterday I was angry but today I'm just so upset...can't believe its all gone wrong.

Save money for yourself and baby for emergency contingencies so you know you can look after yourself. He sounds like a nob, sorry. You need to look after you and baby cos he doesn;t sound up to it to be honest.

You keep that inheritance away from him!

HE doesn;t love you - that will sting for a while but you will be better off without him. God I wish I was n your position to be able to afford to leave, believe me.

Did you go to your class, i hope you did. How you feeling now?

I tried to go but couldn't find it!! Turns out I didn't read the letter properly and I just went to the clinic that sent it when it was actually being held somewhere else. Just need to make sure I go to the right place next week.

I'm feeling slightly better about things, we've spent the day being quite civil and just talking over things and how we want things to be with our DS. I know the best thing now is just not to get bitter and try to keep things nice for his sake. Only thing is how do I make myself stop loving him? Sometimes I think it'd be easier if I could really hate him but now we're trying to be nice it makes it harder in some ways.

Yeah I understand that I have been in a similar situation. You have to be really clear about things and keep reminding yourself of what life would be like with that around your ds. It will get easier though

How do I deal with the anger I'm feeling? I seem to go between crying a lot and then screaming at him how much I hate him. I'm just so mad at him for ruining everything and I just don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't know that I've ever felt so angry/hurt in my life...

Is it just time that will help, or is there anything I can do?

Its a cliche but time will help. Its hard to see things clearly at the minute with everything thats been going on. Being a new mum is a milestone in itself and to have this on top of it is unimaginable but what choice do you have. Pick yourself up and carry on. Focus on that gorgeous baby and the life you can make together x

Hi Lucy,

I agree with Shattered - time definately does help. I am a single mum to a DS and have been since he was born, (my ExP left while I was pregnant). Things will seem really bad just now, but you have to remember that this has only just happened. I can honestly say that it took a while but now I love being a single mum. It's not always easy, when the baby's poorly it would be so lovely just to have somebody there for support and to hand the baby over to, but the older and more independant your DS gets, the easier it is. I still get lonely sometimes, but you have to weigh it up with all the perks of being single; the feeling of freedom and independance, being able to spend your money on what you like, not having to explain or answer to anybody, being able to slob out in front of the t.v in your Bridget Jones knickers and not having anybody moaning about what you look like, being able to fart as loudly as you like!!, etc, etc. I have made lots of friends, especially with other mums, but it's great being able to shut the door at the end of the day and have 'me time' when my DS is in bed. My DS is 5 now and we have a really strong bond. I'm sure you will be more than o.k, it's an exciting new start for you, the world will be your and your DS's oyster!! Not to mention the possibility of a lovely new man when you are feeling ready for that in the future.... x

Well put RasberrySheep! I also wanted to add that you might be surprised when you start telling family and friends. You might think that you put on that 'happy family' front but some might have already noticed the strain. Even if it is a shock to some if they are REAL friends they will help you through this too xxx

Thanks for the all the wise words - makes such a difference. Yesterday was a bit weird as we were nice to each other all day but almost too nice IYSWIM? I think he's having slight second thoughts now and is wondering if he's maybe been a bit hasty and should've tried for a bit longer but its too late for that now. I have told him he needs to be out the house asap so think he should have a flat to go to by Monday. I think thats the only hope there is of saving our relationship - if he has 6 months of living alone and see if he misses us and is ready to grow up a bit. Is it wrong that I'm clinging on and hoping this is what happens? I know on paper it sound like I'd be well rid of him but I can't help that I so desperately hope things work out and we can be a family.

I don't think things will sink in properly until he's gone from the house and although I feel like I'm coping now, I'm worried once he has physically left I'll fall to pieces.

Let him go.

It sounds to me as if he is unhappy generally, is he depressed? If he comes back, make sure it's on your terms, if not you would have lost him eventually. Sadly for you and the littlie, I think he'll be back.

Can I just say how brave I think you have been? It takes a lot of guts to "force the issue", especially since you had a pretty good idea of how it would go. Your child is lucky to have such a good, strong role model.

Lucy-It is not wrong to hope things work out. The first year with a new bwby is shaky ground for even the most stable relationships.
Giving him space may be just what he needs to realise how much he has with you.
And it will definitely help you work out how you feel too.
Good luck and congratulations to you both on the baby

its better to do it now rather than later. I have been with my partner for 5 years and he drank alot when we met but I just couldnt see it. Then we had a baby and nothing changed!Why am i surprised, lately he has started gambling too and ive had enough.SO i wish id of kicked him into touch years ago like you are now.Its too late now hes never gonna change x

I think he may be depressed and blaming it on our relationship - spent the last couple of days getting along fine with the odd laugh and joke and the odd hug and both just keep thinking 'what are we doing?'. I can't help but think did he smoke too much weed growing up and its messed with his head as he keeps saying he's just so confused now and I really don't think he knows what he wants.

Hopefully he'll be moving out the house either today or tomorrow and then things will be a bit clearer. Whilst he's here he can't seem to stay away from me, he's constantly coming to check I'm ok and can't accept that no, I'm not really ok and its his fault.

Just keep thinking am I kidding myself on that we would be able to get back to normal after a few months out the house? Would I ever be able to trust him again? How would I know he wouldn't do the same again in years to come? Just can't decide if I should just try to start moving on now or if its worth waiting to see what happens when he's away for a bit.....

Would you be able to start again and trust him 100%? If not (I know I never would be able to, not 100%) then you should get him to leave now and not come back, because otherwise you are resigning yourself to a life on the edge, with little trust in the man you are living with.

Also, when you say 'would I ever be able to trust him again?' are you talking strictly about him wanting to leave you again, or about his gambling and his smoking?

I ask because I am worried that you think these will just disappear. They won't. They are two massive distructive pastimes that you really don't want to get yourself involved with. I have plenty of friends that do recreational drugs of a weekend, and I think they are all perfectly capable and lovely people, however I just do not trust weed smokers at all, it's too easy for it to be smoked at any time of the day/week, it's easy to get hold of, and it changes a person's personality.

You say you think he might be depressed - that's one side effect of smoking weed. He's already said to you that he can't cope without it (basically what he meant when he blamed you for making him give it up!). If it was just once every month then this really wouldn't have been an issue for him.

And then there's the gambling. There is no such thing as winning when you're a gambler, because they never keep the money they won, they just put it straight back in.

I hope that you can work things out so that you can be happy again, and that the happiness lasts. It's horrible to go through a break-up and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.