DH advice needed...

[ChairmanMeowww]

Feel like I'm going crazy... would appreciate some perspective.

Things have been challenging for a while, he's got more and more miserable, I think he's probably depressed. Even my sister has commented how miserable he is to be around.

No effort is made in terms of compliments, or affection, any sex is instigated by me. I'm never just randomly hugged, never told anything nice or comforting. He would never organise a date night, or a holiday or anything outside the house. Happy to stay in and do nothing all the time. I have been having a tough time lately, and I've had to tell him to be supportive.

We had a huge row where I said I was leaving, I'd finally had enough after a particularly bad period of him getting at me over small things 'I hadn't done this right or that right'...He apologised for not being kind for the past few years, said he felt he was sabotaging it but didn't know why. He started therapy.

He's said today he wants separate finances as I'm not good with money. All my money goes on the kids, I spend very little on myself. He earns 90k a year, so we're not short. I also work, but run my own business so I can be flexible as his job is VERY inflexible. So it's me who takes time off for illness, school runs, clubs, holidays. I feel like we should pool our resources as my earning is restricted by HIS job, I also spend hardly anything on myself as it is!

I don't think this is normal is it? Or is it? Has anyone else been in this position and managed to turn it around?

You’re being unfair if he is depressed. Sounds like you aren’t really considering how he feels.

What the actual fuck?

I am going to be the Devil's advocate. You say you spend your money on children. He might be thinking further down the line, saving for their education or house deposit. Separating finances is probably his therapist's idea. A lot of men tie their worth with money. Your marriage is already struggling. I suggest you thread light if you want to keep it. And no, I wouldn't be expecting affection or date nights from a depressed male

He's not formally diagnosed as refuses to go to Gp. He's just so hard to live with, constantly getting at us all, nothing I do is good enough. I can't ever try and get support from him, he just doesn't know how. He didn't start like this, the lack of consideration has got worse as the years have gone on. I also facilitate his ability to earn his money, as has to work odd hours, sometimes weekends, nights... and sometimes very short notice. I always need to be able to drop anything for him and be available.

I'd be concerned that he's thinking about divorce and how to protect his income and potentially hide or siphon off assets.

Any suspicion there's someone else in the picture?

I guess this is my lot then, to facilitate his ability to earn great money, but I have to scrabble around to pay for things for myself? I do earn money, it's hampered because he can't ever be there for the kids, no negotiation. He's not officially diagnosed, he refuses to go, this is my inference.

I don't think so, but then that's what everyone says on here...

He can't have it both ways.

If he's not willing to share finances, he needs to share the responsibilities of childcare and household to enable you to also pursue your career full-tilt.

Not fair to expect you to fit around his career, losing out on opportunities etc, yet treat his income as nothing to do with you.

I would point out that separate finances means he will need to do at least 50% of drop offs, pick ups and sick days with the DC to enable you to earn more. Send him links to anything the DC need.

Honestly though, separating entirely may be better. If he is not going to share the spoils of having an unencumbered career and not going to share the parenting work, there is not much point.

We had a huge row where I said I was leaving
He's said today he wants separate finances

He's protecting/hiding his assets thinking you are heading for divorce territory. He might be wanting a divorce, or he might think you do, but either way your future together is not bright.

How has he been otherwise since starting therapy?

No it's not normal. You are absolutely right that he should pool resources as it's HIS job that's inflexible and after all it's HIS children you're looking after!

That's appalling that he knows he hasn't been kind for the last few years and has only decided to go for therapy after a row!

You need to tell him that he either treats you as a partner or it's over. I'm so sorry that you're being treated so badly. You deserve much, much more.

Sorry if I've missed it being mentioned - how old is he?

That's what jumped out to me too.

Thanks so much guys, I'm reading every post. It's been getting bad so gradually I didn't realise how bad it has got, until here I am getting crumbs of affection and now this finances bomb shell.

This. He's being extremely unfair and a dick.

Tell him you agree to this, but from now on all childcare/household stuff has to be split 50/50 so you can up your earning potential. And mean it

He's 40, and definitely having some kind of mid life crisis from what I can observe.

Andropause.

A lot of men have no idea it's a thing. Doesn't excuse his behaviour, but it's worth looking over.

I think I will come from this angle. If I were to work full time, corporately, I could put earn him. But I do it very flexibly on a contract basis so I can be there completely for the kids. If I was to be rigid as well, he wouldn’t be able to do his job!

Sounds like he is unhappy @ChairmanMeowww , but that doesn’t mean he gets to be shitty to you, and he certainly can’t have it both ways. If your deal is you pick up the slack at home to facilitate his work then it’s only fair he shares.

if he wants separate finances I’d do as pp says and say he needs to pick up 50% of all non work duties, but tbh this would be the death knell for me, he doesn’t respect or value you and your contribution, so divorce to get your share (bearing in mind that is likely more than 50% in the circa) and at least you won’t have to put up with his shit.

The Devil's advocate again.... I am the first person to admit I am rubbish with money. For this reason (or maybe another) we never had joined finances in our 26 years together . It does grate but what can I do? I am actually earn more than my husband and still struggling with money while he always has a stash for a rainy day (my son's braces is the most recent example). I look at pros and cons of my marriage and decide not to feel resentment. There are so many ways to cut on children's activities expense.

Have you ever heard the saying “you can’t pour from an empty cup”?

Thats exactly what you’re asking him to do.

And never ask a man to treat you well; that’s when you leave. Their love and respect has already left the relationship.

Thanks for your honesty, how do holidays work? Who pays for what?

I fear this, I’m asking him to be kind and he just isn’t. Says it all really I guess

You can do separate finances - as long as there's a joint account for all household & DC bills & spending (including food, DC clothes / activities / Christmas / birthday gifts etc etc etc) and you both pay into that according to earning potential.

So if he is bringing in 80% of the household income, he pays 80% of the expenses.

It could work in your favour if you're always spending your money on kids stuff!

I pay for all of them 😒. He enjoys the holidays but thinks it's a terrible waste of money. What can I do? I do sometimes fantasise about starting afresh. However my DH does have a lot of redeeming qualities. So I put the holidays on balance transfer and pay them off slowly. No wonder my DH thinks I am rubbish with money.