DH advice needed...

[ChairmanMeowww]

Feel like I'm going crazy... would appreciate some perspective.

Things have been challenging for a while, he's got more and more miserable, I think he's probably depressed. Even my sister has commented how miserable he is to be around.

No effort is made in terms of compliments, or affection, any sex is instigated by me. I'm never just randomly hugged, never told anything nice or comforting. He would never organise a date night, or a holiday or anything outside the house. Happy to stay in and do nothing all the time. I have been having a tough time lately, and I've had to tell him to be supportive.

We had a huge row where I said I was leaving, I'd finally had enough after a particularly bad period of him getting at me over small things 'I hadn't done this right or that right'...He apologised for not being kind for the past few years, said he felt he was sabotaging it but didn't know why. He started therapy.

He's said today he wants separate finances as I'm not good with money. All my money goes on the kids, I spend very little on myself. He earns 90k a year, so we're not short. I also work, but run my own business so I can be flexible as his job is VERY inflexible. So it's me who takes time off for illness, school runs, clubs, holidays. I feel like we should pool our resources as my earning is restricted by HIS job, I also spend hardly anything on myself as it is!

I don't think this is normal is it? Or is it? Has anyone else been in this position and managed to turn it around?

He has no right at all to inflict his misery on you and your DC. I roll my eyeballs on here most of the time as being "depressed" isn't a free pass to being an arsehole. I would see a solicitor, it sounds to me like he's already one step ahead of you in terms of separating finances.

Oh this resonates with me. My H was like this. Very detached. Didn’t want to engage with family life. Affection vanished. This is from a man who used to insist on giving me a kiss goodbye even if he was just nipping to the shops! I remember I was crying when I was struggling about something (in pain and felt very isolated) and I had to ask for a hug. That was half hearted and he said he’d already been sympathetic to someone else that day. It was like he didn’t have enough sympathy for me!
He put a downer on everything. For example, we went on a trip of a lifetime, somewhere I’d always wanted to go. Later when we talked about it he said ‘I hated that trip. I was miserable and hungry the whole time.’
Someone commented later that he sounded depressed and implied I was unreasonable for not being more understanding…but I had years of this grumpy bastard behaviour. He didn’t seek medical help. He wouldn’t go for counselling. I concluded that he didn’t want to change.
In the end I gave up. I asked to separate. He did seek counselling but gave it up after a while saying he wasn’t getting anywhere with it. I realise now that he thinks he’s great just as his is so he had no motivation to change. He moved on to someone new within a couple of weeks so he clearly wasn’t heartbroken!
I would be getting your ducks in a row if I were you. I agree with pp, the separate finances is a warning that he’s looking at the idea of separating. He’s even implying it would be your fault because you’re ’bad with money’. Tread carefully.
One thing I would say - while it hasn’t always been easy, I’m so much happier now! Got myself promoted, house is calmer. Most importantly, DD is happier and doesn’t have to tread on eggshells at home. That makes it all worthwhile.

Maybe you do need to separate your finances. But you also need to submit statements as to how much income you lose when you have to assume his share of child care.

I felt every word of this! Part of me does think I’ll just be relieved when it ends 😔 Glad you’re feeling happier now though, it gives me hope.

Hmmm I think the biggest thing here is if it is depression it needs thoroughly addressing asap, that would be non negotiable as it's clearly effecting the household.
I would be peeved if husband suddenly suggested seperate finances, and also suspicious so I second the above comment that something else might be at play here. Keep an open mind

Perhaps you should agree to separate finances, and add that you will have to devote more time to your business to up your earnings, so that he will now have to do some parenting of his children, to enable this to happen.

Devil's advocate again...
First let's consider why people get depression?

(In relation to the earlier post... there's no physical test for depression, for example a blood test or such. It's commonly diagnosed based on the score from a validated depression questionnaire. The difference between a therapist and a GP is that a therapist cannot prescribe antidepressants and a GP aren't qualified to provide a talking therapy. Unless a GP has undertaken further training, they don't get taught cognitive behaviour therapy and such in medical schools. So a qualified therapist can absolutely diagnose and treat depression).

So why people commonly get depression? It tends to happen when we feel we have no control over the situation. When we don't see a difference in outcomes no matter how hard we try.

I have been married for 25 years and my marriage has had its share of ups and downs. I sometimes close my eyes and try to imagine what it would be like to spend a day in my husband's shoes. Really try to imagine his entire day. Then I start seeing things i haven't noticed before. (This exercise works with children too)

What do I see based on the limited information OP has provided? I see a man in a very demanding and inflexible job. He is a top 1% earner. He might have ambitions of his own - retire early, or have a solid investment plan to pay for his children's education and house deposit or simply buy a vintage car. He can't. His wife spends the household income on activities and stuff he doesn't think are necessary. No one listens (I am pretty certain the husband has tried talking to OP before). So he goes for the nuclear option of separating finances.

I am not convinced he is ready to break the family and trying to hide the money in preparation. However he is clearly one foot out of the door.

I think marriage counselling (alongside his separatie counselling for depression) might be a good idea. I hope it helps

I would simply calmly state
If you want separate finances I will need to re-enter formal employment and we will need to pay and sort out any required childcare equally.

Make him truly understand what you are sacrificing, financial income, to have a flexible functional household.

So if he wants to separate finances then he will need to pay more out in childcare, be part of the arrangements, take up domestic slack as well.

Otherwise it's "you do everything I keep my money" no, no thank you, not a chance, if he wants a live in maid and nanny tell him he can fuck off and pay for one out of his 90K.

And, and this might sound harsh, but I just can't be bothered if people play the depression card without them doing anything to sort it out.

Who wants to wallow in depression?

If they are going to the GP, exercising, spending time outdoors, eating well, not drinking alcohol, staying off social media and aware that they are a misery to be around fair enough, as much help as I can give. If they are nit picking, doing nothing to help themselves, expecting an easy ride because you know depression and it seems you are the only one trying to help them then, no life's too short.

This was my first thought too

Suggest if you are going to pool money, then you will need him to pick up the slack with childcare so you can increase your earning.

Devil's advocate again...

Let's see what OP is gaining

A lifestyle she couldn't afford on her own

An ability to be flexible with her job and spend more time with her children as she has the back up of a solid steady second income (not split with another woman and HER children)

A sounding board to discuss children's upbringing (wait till teenage years)

The security of a marriage (yes, such a thing does exist otherwise why marry in the first place)

A Christmas spent under ONE Christmas tree

A marriage doesn't have to be 50/50 in everything for it to work.

I might be proven wrong in the future. However at present I suspect OP's husband is separating finances on the advice of his counsellor. So he can focus on family's financial targets as HE sees fit.

And yes, he's addressing his depression by having counselling rather than hiding behind it. There is no evidence that antidepressants work better than counselling in mild to moderate depression

Husband has the freedom to work whenever and however he wants to get such an income, the freedom to be inflexible, because he's not responsible for child care. A wife that takes care of illness, school holidays, appointments etc probably the full mental load. A wife that's trying to support him through depression.

First 2 paragraphs are very telling, he is not offering emotional support. Sex and affection has to be instigated by wife. He admittedly hasn't been very nice for a while. Yes this may all tie in with depression if that's infact what he's suffering from, but either way.

Exactly this.

Mental health issues can affect anyone, any time. It’s not his fault if he is affected, but it is his responsibility to address it.

I would be suspicious about the separation of finances. Feels like he is slowly extracting himself from the marriage and any dependencies on each other.

I would have it out with him.

I think you need to be realistic here - that's NOT depression - he's already checked out of the marriage emotionally.

Now he's getting his finances in order - why else would decide to separate them.

You need to be honest with yourself.

This sounds like an exit strategy. If he wants some private money why not agree to have a chunk each every month that you both transfer out and have autonomy/privacy.
The behaviour is one thing, but the sudden ask for money separation sounds deliberate.

Given your situation given that you are there for the kids separate finances would be silly.
In our house all salaries go into the joint account, we then each take out an equal amount of fun funds to go into personal account.
However as other posters have said, this request has nothing to do with your overspending. This is either a control tactic or pre divorce move.

I'm not going to tell share my story as it's outing but I will say after a breakdown and then trains from the birth of my son the only way he can be "be kind" to me was to have an affair which he presented as the solution to my recovery from birth when gyne said "he had to be kind and patient". He'd so emotionally checked out and then the 2nd rental so ge could have his own space that he wanted us/me to pay for.
I feel your post so hard and I'm sorry x

I would go and see a family solicitor just in case. The separation of finances won’t work in your case for the reasons stated above. It sounds like he’s about to leave or wants to threaten you to keep you from asking for more from him, by reminding you he is the earner.

Op, your husband may or may not be depressed, but if he is unwilling to take responsibility and try and improve the situation by seeking help, it is not your lot just to put up with it. Mental Health issues are not a get out of jail free card and do not mean that your happiness is not important. If your husband is unwilling or unable to be a true partner and father then start changing the situation and start to protect yourself. The financial separation smacks to me that he is planning his exit. You are important and your happiness is important, please don't feel you just have to put up with it and be miserable.

Seems he asked for seperate finances after you'd said you wanted to leave, so not surprising really.

Just because he asked that doesn't necessarily mean he has/wants someone else.

Men are mostly bad with emotions and seeking help, so realising that he's sabotaging the relationship and seeking therapy is a positive.

If he's depressed, he won't realise it hence not knowing why he's sabotaging the marriage.

If therapy is early days, give it time.
Depression is a wicked illness and he'll need all the support he can get.

Not easy to live with of course, so maybe some therapy for you too if possible, so you can support each other.

I find some of these answers wild.
If he has depression and is taking it out on you rather than addressing it, that’s abusive.
Tell him that you’re happy to start having separate finances once you find a full time corporate job. After that all childcare will be evenly split, including household chores, doctors appointments, sick days, cleaning, groceries etc…
And mean it, start looking for roles immediately and talk about it openly.

He does not love you, like you and respect you. Divorce him now

The answer here would be for them to discuss as a married couple how they might save for these future expenses. Not for him to abruptly request a separation of finances. That is not a marriage, one person having their own private thoughts about what to put by for the children, and the other person getting by on pin money.

If his therapist has suggested it, i.e. suggested less communication and teamwork between man and wife, then his therapist is nuts.

If he genuinely can't financially co-exist with his own wife, then the marriage is over and he should be planning to separate in all other ways.

Also, depressed my arse. He "doesn't know why" he doesn't cherish you? He knows why. You don't need to make excuses for him (he hasn't even claimed to be depressed). For whatever reason, he doesn't seem to want to be in this marriage, but hasn't the courage to say so. I think this therapy and "let's separate finances" business is him building up his credentials and beginning to float the idea of splitting, albeit in a way that doesn't cost him money.

How do you feel about him? Do you still love him, want him? Could you imagine living happily without him (and with a fair financial settlement in place)?

OP just be mindful the standard advice on Mumsnet is to get divorce/separate. As if it is the answer to all the world's problems. A couple's therapy might be a better option. Your husband is acting out strangely, no doubt about it. It might be a good time to sit down and really listen to each other without getting defensive. Having an impartial mediator is usually a good idea