How do I fix whatever it is I've done

[AgathaChristiesbag]

I cannot get through the fog of thinking about what is happening with my husband or what I've done to make it worse.
He is on a low dose of anti-anxiety meds and goes to a mental health group at the gym each week. But I see him being
Grumpy around kids, dismissive of them if they ask for anything

Always on phone or in a magazine if at the dining table

Does not eat with us at all, will binge on processed snack type good, toast, crisps

Even if dinner/ lunch is being prepared, will insist on popping to the shop and getting himself a snack

Lunch/ dinner gets put away for later and he throws it out rather

Asking him for anything, no matter how small or mundane results in a sigh and then ‘alriiiiiightt’ type response and eye roll. I have pointed out that I feel upset with this tone and he would not talk to his colleagues or friends in that way.

Avoids eye contact with me completely, very stern face with us all the time

Will ignore me when he gets in from work or the gym

Huffs and stomps if asked for anything to help with bedtime like supervise teeth brushing, the older one has a prescription toothpaste that is runny, can you help him get it on to his toothbrush. He has ASD and

Will not support either child with homework or any physical activity.

Tells me I am the problem, that criticise everything. I’ve asked for him to do his fair share of house/ family related things because I'm working in London now with a commute. Lists/ tasks/ reminders etc. do not work with him.

Super cheery and charming with colleagues, neighbours, our postman. Anyone who is not me or the kids.

Coaches girls’ football and ignores our girl when they are there.

Too busy chatting to parents who are journalists, people working in tv like he has to big himself up in some way.

Is out every evening from 600 to 9 thereby avoiding dinner, bedtime – any chaos period.
Ignorant of all of DD’s medical needs, bowel condition so she needs to be gluten free, needs reminder for regular loo trips, has special eye drops for a long term infection, which is getting better.

Very intolerant of kids being on screens although he will spend hours on the spare room bed glued to his phone.

He is angry that we saw specialists privately for DD because he saw it as me flaunting my pay rise. It wasn’t. We’d been waiting for 2 years. She was poorly most weeks and has missed school because of it.

DD6 is currently co-sleeping due to night-time anxiety, and I think the issue is his behaviour not just her medical stuff.

TL DR
DH has been grumpy for last 18 months and very cross with me and the kids . I have no idea what I have/ have not done. Asking him results in an angry outburst, - nothing, just leave it OK!

Legal advice from 2 family lawyers is I can’t insist he leave the home and I’ll probably end up paying him maintenance. He is a PE teacher but does not to any childcare in the holidays. Kids are in clubs or with me. Our DS10 has ASD but is doing ok with treatment.

I am terrified and feel so passive in my life. I am letting my kids down and I think they deserve to be with a better mum than me. I was in foster care from 12 to 17 and the thought of moving is or changing family is debilitating. I get panic attacks at the moment each morning and the thought of the kids being reliant on him makes me scared.

Start recording these incidents- particularly around him ignoring your children and their needs. Brief notes but date and time.

call www.rightsofwomen.org.uk they are fantastic

it can’t be right that you have to put up with this behaviour, it sounds awful for all of you 😔

Just to add, I doubt it’s anything you have done. These behaviours are a choice.

I cannot get through the fog of thinking about what is happening with my husband or what I've done to make it worse.

He is being a cunt. You are not responsible.

He is a cunt. You and your children would be happier and better off without him

It's nothing you've done.
My ex H was exactly the same. I divorced him in the end.
(I suspect my ex has ASD with a PDA profile as he could not stand to be asked to help in anyway ... and would lash out verbally or sulk. Was also out of the house every evening until 9 just as you describe. In my experience men like this cannot change. I feel for you and would advise you to divorce him even if it is costly.

18 months is a long time to be living in this environment.

Seems like he has checked with no plans to re-engage, so best you take control and separate.

Why would you need to pay him maintenance?
I can't imagine that he would be going for 50/50 custody so would likely be paying you!

Sending you hugs.

I feel for you OP. This may be a living nightmare.
From what you've written it sounds life he's checked out of the family. Maybe you need to stay making plans to move on from him. He's having such a negative effect on your and your children. You need to do what's best for them now.
You could start by talking to citizens advice about your rights on the event of a divorce.

Someone who has depression and isolates themselves, and relies on junk food tends to be the same 24/7. You can rarely coax them into anything else.
This man is doing a responsible job and coaching a girls’ football team. He’s Mr Personality when he’s on show.
What he is being at home is a neglectful father and husband. You’d think as a teacher he’d have more understanding around his own children. Healthy children need a decent home life, and you are the only one providing it.
I am sure he’s a delight at his group - tales of woe of the demands placed upon him.
As for his eating, well, that’s his choice. Again, an absolute irony that he teaches PE and won’t even eat a meal.
I do appreciate real MH problems - if you live with someone with them, you know.
But this man is doing exactly what he wants when he wants. He is not present as a father or husband your DC are picking up on it.
I know it’s a lot but you would be better off with just you and your DC. He also sounds very resentful of your career and earnings.
Like PP have said it’s time to keep a record of what is happening. Check out the posts on here around financial freedom when separating. There are many.
He is, without a doubt, and an absolute arsehole.
And you’ve not mentioned but I bet as a woman it’s hard to find him the least bit attractive. You deserve to have a present partner who supports you and your lovely kids.

You don't fix it, you can't fix it. It's him, not you. This is 100% how my H is, and I've been trying to find an amicable way out for me and the kids for years. All you can do is leave him, and I know that's easier said than done.

Echo what pp have said: it's not you. It's not your fault. It's him.
Sounds as though he has checked out of the relationship and rather than doing something about it I.e being honest and starting a new life for himself he is making you all suffer. And probably enjoying seeing you all suffer.
Absolute nightmare for you OP, and for your children.

@Yvawn I have wondered about possible ASD but this behaviour has not been there until the last 18 months. I also know female friends with ASD and they do not behave like this with their children, they are present with their children and are carrying the house/ family load at home.

@AlertCat Thanks for details of RoW. I will get in touch.

He's still a child. He needs about 5 years of trauma therapy, or you could bin him off.

I think a powerful question to ask yourself is would you want your children to be in a marriage with someone who behaves as he does? The answer is no, so the sooner you can leave the better. Break the cycle.
And well done fir holdingnit together, you must be exhausted 💐

can I ask if your new role came about 18 months ago or a little before? I.E around the same time he started acting this way with you?

I am wondering if he is jealous of you and your success. The fact he wouldn’t want the best for his very young daughter with issues is very weird - as you could afford to be seen privately. I think 99% of parents in the fortunate position of affordability, would do the same! Instead he made this about you “flaunting” your wealth…..

I don’t want to start assuming and running off on a whole scenario that may not even be true, but I am wondering if it simply boils down to a power struggle in which he is jealous of you and your success. In his mind he is just a PE teacher (not that being a teacher isn’t something to be proud of anyway). However, sounds like your career may have “prospered”/you are the breadwinner. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry, your pay rise*, not necessarily new role

My first thought was that he probably has ASD. Sounds like he is withdrawing from the family, but able to keep a ‘veneer’ of being sociable in other situations. I have no suggestions or advice, except to say that communication is not always straightforward with ASD, and he may have built up a lot of negative feelings about completely minor things that he perceives as criticism or slights, or that he has twisted into meaning something else. Sending strength and virtual hugs to you and your DC.

You’re right to not conflate the two. There’s a worrying increase in people explaining away abusive behaviour by saying that abusers abuse because they’re autistic. As a diagnosed autistic woman, it’s bollocks. Unfortunately, people can be autistic AND an abuser, but autism does not = abuse.

Why would you end up paying him maintenance, from a legal perspective?

In preparation for leaving him (which seems the only reasonable solution here) make sure you do not pay for anything in his lifestyle if you can help it and keep lifestyle costs in general down by minimizing costs that would benefit him. It then makes it harder for him to claim that he needs you to pay him maintenance to support him in the "lifestyle he has become accustomed to" when you break up. Keep good records of your expenditure to prove that you haven't been supporting him financially in the marriage. Put money away separately where he doesn't know about it. These are all things men who are the higher earner often do - so why not do the same.

In answer to your question ... divorce him, that's the only way forward.

my ex was all of these to the kids and i when he'd had his head turned.

Are you in England OP? I’m trying to work out why you have been advised you would need to pay him spousal maintenance. If it’s child maintenance, you would only need to pay him that if he was the resident parent, but I can’t see that he would be given that he doesn’t seem to do or want to do much parenting.

The answer to your actual question is very straightforward. You have not done anything and you are not at fault. The “why’s” of your current situation are almost irrelevant - ASD, resentment, depression - because his behaviour is now causing anxiety in your child, makes you all miserable and he has no interest in either changing or seeking additional help. Free yourself and your babies from this awful environment. The costs of doing so (be they financial or emotional) will pale in comparison to the significant upsides.

What happened 18 months ago? If you didn't get your pay rise then, my bet is he started an affair. He will demonise you to justify it to himself.

It's not you, it's him. Don't berate yourself or look for things you might have done to cause his obnoxious behaviour,

@wafflesmgee very valid question. I've seen friends leave toxic marriages and I always thought I'd be strong enough to spot the signs in the past. No, I want so much better for both my kids. And if they were feeling stuck and bullied id help them leave.