How do I fix whatever it is I've done

[AgathaChristiesbag]

I cannot get through the fog of thinking about what is happening with my husband or what I've done to make it worse.
He is on a low dose of anti-anxiety meds and goes to a mental health group at the gym each week. But I see him being
Grumpy around kids, dismissive of them if they ask for anything

Always on phone or in a magazine if at the dining table

Does not eat with us at all, will binge on processed snack type good, toast, crisps

Even if dinner/ lunch is being prepared, will insist on popping to the shop and getting himself a snack

Lunch/ dinner gets put away for later and he throws it out rather

Asking him for anything, no matter how small or mundane results in a sigh and then ‘alriiiiiightt’ type response and eye roll. I have pointed out that I feel upset with this tone and he would not talk to his colleagues or friends in that way.

Avoids eye contact with me completely, very stern face with us all the time

Will ignore me when he gets in from work or the gym

Huffs and stomps if asked for anything to help with bedtime like supervise teeth brushing, the older one has a prescription toothpaste that is runny, can you help him get it on to his toothbrush. He has ASD and

Will not support either child with homework or any physical activity.

Tells me I am the problem, that criticise everything. I’ve asked for him to do his fair share of house/ family related things because I'm working in London now with a commute. Lists/ tasks/ reminders etc. do not work with him.

Super cheery and charming with colleagues, neighbours, our postman. Anyone who is not me or the kids.

Coaches girls’ football and ignores our girl when they are there.

Too busy chatting to parents who are journalists, people working in tv like he has to big himself up in some way.

Is out every evening from 600 to 9 thereby avoiding dinner, bedtime – any chaos period.
Ignorant of all of DD’s medical needs, bowel condition so she needs to be gluten free, needs reminder for regular loo trips, has special eye drops for a long term infection, which is getting better.

Very intolerant of kids being on screens although he will spend hours on the spare room bed glued to his phone.

He is angry that we saw specialists privately for DD because he saw it as me flaunting my pay rise. It wasn’t. We’d been waiting for 2 years. She was poorly most weeks and has missed school because of it.

DD6 is currently co-sleeping due to night-time anxiety, and I think the issue is his behaviour not just her medical stuff.

TL DR
DH has been grumpy for last 18 months and very cross with me and the kids . I have no idea what I have/ have not done. Asking him results in an angry outburst, - nothing, just leave it OK!

Legal advice from 2 family lawyers is I can’t insist he leave the home and I’ll probably end up paying him maintenance. He is a PE teacher but does not to any childcare in the holidays. Kids are in clubs or with me. Our DS10 has ASD but is doing ok with treatment.

I am terrified and feel so passive in my life. I am letting my kids down and I think they deserve to be with a better mum than me. I was in foster care from 12 to 17 and the thought of moving is or changing family is debilitating. I get panic attacks at the moment each morning and the thought of the kids being reliant on him makes me scared.

@SershaAdele it does coincide with me taking on more responsibility at work. He finished his teacher training after leaving a roll in industry that paid more than he is paid currently.
I am currently in a contractor role. The agreement was that he'd take on more at home and with children so I could be full time. Otherwise we'd have had to move out of our area and leave school, friends etc.

@Overbythewaterfountain I took on a different role with operational responsibility for the bit of the service I am in. DH decided he didn't want to be in his currentl SLT role at his last school and left without a job to go to.
He said he didn't want to be in a heavy, breadwinner role......

Willing to bet that this is “what you’ve done”, but he won’t tell you, he’ll just let you know by his behaviour. Making your partner walk on eggshells is emotionally abusive behaviour, and of course the stuff about you “flaunting” a pay rise and him neglecting your dc needs is just vile, horrible and also abusive.

Just because he doesn’t hit you doesn’t mean it can’t be abuse (it took me far too long to realise that).

@WinkyTinky sending you hugs. I'm so sorry you are in a horrid situation

@AlertCat I don't see why he would do they. I mean he quit his job and we had bills mounting up.

Split up with him and pay maintenance if needs be. I thought these days they prefer for clean breaks financially where possible.

It won't be forever and your mental health is worth it.

Also getting your children out from this damaging environment is worth it. While you stay, they're in it 24/7 365.

I kept a diary of the last few months since the spring. I've been put with both kids every weekend just to get out of the house. There's been school social stuff too and DH insists we go together to those things. Otherwise he doesn't want to come with us unless he can tag it onto to something he really wanted to do.
He really doesn't like us at all it seems.

He won't get maintenance. It doesn't matter how much you earn, he's a teacher. He's able to work. He doesn't get spousal maintenance. Not in the UK.

He won't actually want the children by the sound of it - not even 50/50.

File for divorce - you'll be happier.

My ex used to agree to stuff apparently happily and then blame me afterwards. I didn’t use to know why, but after a while I came to understand that he had only agreed to look like the perfect partner, but he would rather the event or whatever hadn’t existed so he hadn’t had to do whatever it was. If something happened that he didn’t like (wrong food, wrong conversation, one of my family or friends not really his cup of tea) I would be blamed for that, but if not he would just behave angrily and coldly until I would beg to know what I’d done wrong, but he’d only ever say “what do you think?” Or “why would I be angry?”

Kept me on my toes alright, I didn’t relax for about three years.

sorry OP, I meant to quote you there.

Was going to quote this!

My ex used to agree to stuff apparently happily and then blame me afterwards. I didn’t use to know why, but after a while I came to understand that he had only agreed to look like the perfect partner, but he would rather the event or whatever hadn’t existed so he hadn’t had to do whatever it was. If something happened that he didn’t like (wrong food, wrong conversation, one of my family or friends not really his cup of tea) I would be blamed for that, but if not he would just behave angrily and coldly until I would beg to know what I’d done wrong, but he’d only ever say “what do you think?” Or “why would I be angry?”

Kept me on my toes alright, I didn’t relax for about three years.

You have sad nothing in your posts that make me believe he would get the children full time

This man is a pathetic excuse of a husband and father and he is being emotionally abusive. Depriving you all of love and attention.

You might be surprised if you asked him to leave he may well go because he clearly isn’t happy

find the strength to kick him to the kerb

It sounds like you're a fantastic mother who's carrying the full mental load, and he's not adding positive value to your families life. It's the hardest thing ever when you have children, but having been through it, it's also liberating and the best decision ever in the long run. To seperate that is. It's so easy to waste months, years even of your life trying to figure someone out who doesn't want it

@BellesAndGraces I am in England. I've had intro appointments with 2 family lawyers. The advice was that as the breadwinner spouse, the duration of the marriage at 15 years plus him being a teacher would be positive. For him.
He could claim he changed careers for the family and shouldn't suffer because I chose to end the marriage. Being a careleaver also goes against you as an adult in the family court. I guess I'm too scared to be in that place.

I genuinely don't think he wants the kids 50 50. I've just explained that telling off DS10 for wanting to play with him is damaging. All children feel that rejection bit a ND child feels it differently and it will trigger extra upset.

I do think he would SAY he wants 50 50 to keep this picture of the lovely teacher dad who left a corporate role to prioritise family etc.....

@Quitelikeit I did try to talk earlier and say it was clear he wasn't happy and the impact of behaviour I see on thr kids, esp. DS10. And asked for some breathing space so we can figure out a separation.
He just walks off muttering FFS. I am going to bring it up again tomorrow.

Do you rent where you live or is there a mortgage? I would start looking for alternatives. Might be better to move somewhere new than try to get him out against his will. Agree with all the previous advice about divorce. You are the stable parent for your kids, don't feel bad about that, they'll be fine with you.