Where can I find my Friend with Benefits or Hookups

[LookinforSomething]

Hi All

Been a lurker for a while here on mumsnet.

I am about 5 years divorced with a 11 year old child. My ex looks after our daughter for a week and then me.

I know this may sound bad but i want to explore intimacy again, my time with my husnad in the marriage was boring as hell.... the best thing was our child but i feel i have really missed out.

I did a search on these forums and i keep seeing the webiste fab being mentioned for FWB search. However what website is this, a google search brings up fabdating.com, fabhookups.com. I think some people take about fabswingers, is that a different site to the other two?

Any other websites you lovely people can recommend?

Xxxxx

All sites are pretty much the same. It's what you put in your bio that counts.

Fwb is a harder thing to find than a relationship imo.

Look out for it going pear shaped by:

• They don't want the friends part and make it obvious via various forms of disrespect. Like disrespecting your time for example or only focusing on their pleasure.
• They are too pushy to get to the intimacy stage or, ignore or push boundaries you set.
• They act like they are falling for you. They begin to push via actions (eg, buying you jewelry) or words (too affectionate for a fwb). 1 - note that this scenario often leads to A. You caving and starting to think 'hmm, well maybe we can be something more'. At which instance they suddenly turn! And act like you are the one who overstepped. Because they never liked you. They just needed you to like them. They can't stand an idea that a woman can be free sexually and not in love with them. Or B. You reenforce your boundaries to just be fwb, and they, take the hump and start acting sulky and spiteful.
• There are other power plays involved. They seem to be acting as though there needs to always be someone on the back foot. And it can't be them. Maybe they start bringing up the names of other women trying to make you jealous or get huffy if they think you are seeing other men etc...

Watch out for these things. They are so common.

I actually think women do fwb far easier than men. And more genuinely. I'm not saying it isn't possible to find a decent, non game playing, non narcissist man who wants a genuine fwb and will treat you respectfully and value your friendship or at least, respect your time and boundaries.
...but it's rare. Very rare.

I couldn't agree more. There's a general perception that men are only after sex, but if you offer them a sex- only arrangement it's amazing how few of them are able to negotiate it with grace. I have to conclude that what they really want is power.

Pure

Unfortunately so.
Some sort of weird ego thing.

Plus I think men often gravitate to these relationships for different reasons to women.

Women just want something nice and easy and fun that doesn't involve having to move in with a guy and start washing his pants. Maybe lunch or a movie together sometimes. Maybe not. But just something pleasent and a little bit spicy.

Where as (often narcissistic) men...want the idea that they can have any woman they want and still see other women. But when they realise, you too, could still see other men, it offends their ego.

Even when you think you've chatted about your boundaries and goalposts and are on the same page...they pull some switcheroo and leave you feeling put out.

It's sad, but I've tried 4 times and always found some variation of the above bs. In future I'd just do hook ups if I just wanted sex.

I've met a couple who were nice enough, and whom I managed to maintain a good relationship with for about 6 months. But it was a lot of hard work finding them.