Hard that ex is always part of your life

[bemoreassertive]

Is anyone else separated/divorced with kids, and just slightly depressed that your ex is always going to be part of your life to a certain extent?

If we didn't have kids, I would cheerfully wish my ex well, sever every tie, and never think or speak of him again.

I know some people completely cut off their ex and for good reason, but mine is engaged with the kids and not abusive, so I owe it to my kids to maintain a civil relationship with him.

It's just ...urgh. Of all the men in the world, I'm stuck discussing school choices with him 🙄

I really really hope younger women think so carefully about who they have children with - get married and divorced a dozen times if need be, but never have kids with a man if there is even the slightest doubt in your mind! God, I was an idiot!

Me!

My ex is truly awful though. I don't think I'd find it too bad if he wasn't such a controlling and manipulative arse.

Yeah, it is a bit depressing, though my youngest child with my ex is nearing adulthood and I am counting down the days. We're amicable enough but I just don't want to have to communicate with him. I more or less let the kids deal with arrangements now.

Another 8 years of my DH's hostile ex though. That's more draining.

My youngest is five, so I have a decade plus of him. 😱

Not in that situation myself thankfully, but my mum had to go through years of abuse from my father because she was stuck raising children with him.

I just want to add how messed up our society's view on this topic is too.
When you're in an abusive relationship, everyone and their mum will tell you to leave him, that you shouldn't put up with any more abuse, to stand up for yourself.
Then, when you've left him, everyone will say: well it's still the childrens father, you can't deny him contact. Just suck it up. Despite how incredibly damaging their behaviour can be to your mental health.

@Girlmom35

Sorry to hear that about your mum.

My position is a bit different as my family are in the "cut him out" camp as they see how hard it is for me to deal with him (he is a difficult arse) but I want to be amicable for the kids' sake while they are young.

That sounds a bit martyrish, but I have two aims 1. not to be married to him and 2. for my kids to be happy.

So I'll keep going with the fake smiles and joint birthday parties etc, hard though it is!

Do you have to speak to him?

My parents divorced when I was 7, and they never spoke to each other again for the rest of their lives. They had a bad break up, and neither of them wanted to speak to the other again

When we were young, they communicated through a solicitor about custody arrangements.

My dad used to come and get us. My mum would get us ready, then we would wait outside the front door. Then my dad would pick us up. They never spoke

Then when I was older about 12, they communicated through me.

If it was something more complicated than I could say, mu mum would give me a letter to give to my dad, and he would give me a letter to give to her.

It worked fine

You also don't have to have a joint birthday party if it's too difficult.

I was always had separate birthday celebrations with each parent.

I felt similarly the first few years post-divorce, when everything was still raw. However, after more than a decade later, we are friends and have a shared history with happy memories. Sharing your children's early years is such a special experience that you both share. Even though we didn't work out as partners, we appreciate each other as decent human beings and we get on much better now. We'd never let each other get into difficult situations if we could help each other. So actually, our friendship is deeper than it was but not as partners. Neither of us is perfect but we have found a way to have a positive experience of co-parenting and remaining friends, which to me is more important than remaining married.

...but it helps if they are not a complete dick!

You don't need a joint birthday party! You are divorced. You are no longer a family unit. You don't need to celebrate big life events together. You can each do something separately for your child's birthday. Even if joint parties make your children happy in the moment, long-term the children may find it confusing if you're divorced but are still doing things as a family - if you seem to get on well at these events it may give them false hope that you'll get back together, and if you don't get on well the children won't enjoy the tension and acrimony.

I don't have any contact with my ex, beyond a very occasional email regarding medical bills, or a calendar invite for the kids.

I don't need to talk to him. He was an utter bastard, who then dragged out the split for two years in the hopes of wearing me down around maintenance - costing us both a fortune (probably he spent 10x what I did, which at least pleases me)

TBH in the beginning I was ready to draw a line under his behaviour and have a civilised co-parenting relationship, but he disappeared for 6 months, broke any promises he made to the kids and the couple of calls we had in that 6 months he had nothing useful to say and just used them to try and get me to commit to doing all the running/thinking for him. So fuck him.

Yes.

Ex & I split when DS was 2. I took the decision to leave for both my & ds' safety. Ex was outraged at my escape and has simmered with barely concealed resentment ever since.

He has seen DS for a few hours every week since. Fourteen long years. But the end is in sight. I have bitten my tongue and remained civil for ds' sake, even when ex has behaved appallingly. I have co-parented to the point I deserve a medal.

Only 18 months to go, and I need never speak to him again. I cannot wait 😊🍾🍸🎉

@TeeBee

That is indeed the key!

I think my real problem is that I think my ex is a complete dick (as do my friends and family) BUT he is financially responsible, engaged with the kids, tolerable-sh, so I force myself to get along, as that is what makes my kids happy.

If he makes your kids happy and you can still see some of his better features, it's probably worth your sacrifice and effort. It's hard but the benefits of being civil to each other over the years will pay off. Maybe reframe it in your head as a good investment of your time and patience. At the end of the day, that man will always be your children's father so we owe it to them to try to maintain a decent co-parenting relationship with them if we can. I am so grateful that we have been able to do that (actually I also thank his wonderful mother for that who sat him down on day one of us splitting up and reminded him how important staying friends would be).

Yes! I would love nothing more than to never speak to him again

@TeeBee

That is a really thoughtful post that gets to the heart of what I feel, thank you.

I remind myself it will be worth it in the long run for my kids' sake, when I have difficult days like today, when his presence in my life feels almost intolerable.

It is so hard isn't it!

So many lovely people out there in the world, and I spend much of my time dealing with someone who is not lovely...but I chose to have kids with him, so only myself to blame (that acceptance of responsibility for my own poor decision-making is hard to come to terms with too, I think for me anyway)

Maybe it worked fine for them, but that is an awful, damaging and immature way of handling things around young children after divorce and it should not be recommended to anyone.
OP, I think you are doing the right thing and I genuinely appreciate the difficulty of your position. Kids should come first, not our egos.
I am in a similar position and what helps me go through difficult moments is focusing on the fact that I am doing what is best for my kids and that it actually helps them deal with the trauma of divorce.
Unfortunately for you (me), the link to the ex will always be there through kids and their future families, etc.
It helps if you manage to build somewhat exciting existence outside your mum life.

I think your post just really struck a chord with me because that is exactly how I felt at the beginning. I have never stayed in touch with any of my other ex partners but you don't have a choice with this one (well of course you do, but it's not what is best for your children if he is even a half-decent father).
We can now sit around a table with our current partners and have a laugh with all of our children and that is a very precious thing. Hang on in there. The feelings you have now are temporary.

Yea I beat myself up a lot for staying with him and having a child but then I had therapy dealt with my childhood stuff and now try to be a lot nicer to myself. It's made my life harder and I've missed opportunities because of him but then again my kid is the best part of me and wouldn't be who he is without his dad so I try hold on to that. It's hard though and your not alone in feeling this way

I think you're being a bit harsh on yourself there @bemoreassertive !

If they showed their true colours before the pregnancy I suspect many of us would have chosen to have kids with someone else.

I apologise for posting - I'm not in the same situation as you. Just want to say "exes!!!!!".
OMG why do they always think they're part of your life even when they're NOT.
I don't mean if you have kids with them, I mean all the millions* who've been dumped by me and WON'T STAY DUMPED.
Sorry - back to our regular program.
*I exaggerate (?)

Thank you for this post, and my sympathies too that you are in the same position.

And absolutely yes to building an exciting separate existence - I'm making a real effort to do that and it validates the reasons I had for ending my marriage.

I just felt very down when I posted this morning as I've had a few days which have been very 'ex-h dominated'.

It's difficult but you do have to swallow personal feelings and conduct the co-parenting relationship if you want your kids to have an ok childhood.

I had a terrible divorce from my exH and our relationship was awful throughout our 2 DCs' childhood, something I deeply regret. Weirdly, now that they're grown, he and I have something approximating a friendship (which the DC are happy about).

I'm now divorced a second time after my ex had an affair and left, very unexpectedly. I was devastated. We have a DC. If we didn't, I'd happily never speak to ex again. But we do so I have to, and also have to engage with the OW who is now DC's stepmother. I deal with this by consciously putting any negative thoughts or feelings into a box and only examining them once a week. Very rarely is it something actually worth raising with ex.

My dc are all in their late twenties/early thirties. I divorced their dad over 25 years ago. And it still pisses me off that I have to tolerate this absolute prat from time to time at family events. Hes still the lecherous ballsack he always was and he seriously makes my skin crawl.

I'm the expert at biting my lip and just plain avoiding getting anywhere near him. But I'm stuck in the horrible fear of the next encounter for ever aren't I.