Hard that ex is always part of your life

[bemoreassertive]

Is anyone else separated/divorced with kids, and just slightly depressed that your ex is always going to be part of your life to a certain extent?

If we didn't have kids, I would cheerfully wish my ex well, sever every tie, and never think or speak of him again.

I know some people completely cut off their ex and for good reason, but mine is engaged with the kids and not abusive, so I owe it to my kids to maintain a civil relationship with him.

It's just ...urgh. Of all the men in the world, I'm stuck discussing school choices with him 🙄

I really really hope younger women think so carefully about who they have children with - get married and divorced a dozen times if need be, but never have kids with a man if there is even the slightest doubt in your mind! God, I was an idiot!

As much as you don't want to have him on your life it's very likely he doesn't want to have you in his either so at least he's suffering too

I feel like this. My ex is the worst abuser of his own kind so any communication I have is extremely limited and via a court ordered parenting app which I choose to delete after his contact with DD as its EOW, subconsciously it makes me feel free of him when I delete the app then I reinstall it one day before his contact in case we need to notify each other of anything.

Outwardly I convey to DD I'm amicable with him and tell her if she would like him at an event or her birthday party I'll invite him for her but inwardly it makes me recoil and wretch to have to talk to him.

DD actually hates his guts so the dynamic of communicating with him is even more complex when I have to hear him witter on about how fantastic his relationship is with DD whilst in the next sentence DD is telling me how much she hates him and when she's old enough for people to listen to her the first thing she'll do is tell him she never wants to see him again.

I wouldn't care to have him as part of my life if he wasn't an abuser but the fact that he is makes it significantly harder to swallow.

Oh, I hear you about the days when you feel particularly low... I am afraid I have not got a solution, but just wait it out and it passes.

Also, about blaming yourself, I did this A LOT. Therapy helped me understand better why I made choices I did and I stopped being that harsh on myself (most of the time at least😆 ).

It is hard coming to terms with reality of what we have chosen and done with our lives so far. Navel-gazing doesn't help either so I try (hard) to focus on other things when I catch myself wallowing in self-blame/pity, etc.

This is exactly what it hinges on! I'm semi- in OP's camp and so much of what she's written resonates for me.

This is me. And my youngest (6) is going through the process for an EHCP and having a very hard time at school, so we have almost daily contact. Ugh.

It has taken me a few years to get to the point that I can engage well with him though (alcoholic - in recovery now) - I didn’t even allow him in my house for the first 18months.

It's depressing how low the bar is for truly awful abusive men to still have contact with their children forced through the courts despite serious abuse and how many women have to still go through a contact centre and allow a man they think is fundamentally damaging to their child to have access to their children.

I'd think the same way of women who would be a serious danger and damaging to their children still being forced by court to have regular contact by the way. I just don't hear of it happening in this direction.

I have kids with my ex and haven’t seen or spoken to him in 2 years so not always the case.

Yes, I found therapy very helpful at understanding past decisions and trying to let go of the crippling regret. Glad it helped you too.

But sometimes when the past bad decision is sitting beside me at parents’ evening making idiotic comments and boasting about himself, the regrets all come flooding back… 😂

Presumably he was pretending to be a nice person when you got together though?

Sick of all the "It's your fault for getting together with a wanker" narrative. Generally, men don't show their wankerishness until they've got you enmeshed.

We have minimal contact, I’ve broken my back attempting to co-parent but he’s so incredibly bitter that I had the gall to walk away. He’s truly a sorry excuse of a human being that continues to control and abuse via Dc.

What makes our situation worse is Dc have SEN so there’s lots of discussions involved, he gets to assert his dominance despite never actually attending support meetings nor knowing what’s going on with his own children. Only 8 more years to go!

You will always be connected (via your children) to your ex - I had a few ex free years, but now we have had weddings and on the horizon there will be grandchildren.

It is easier to be friends or at least tolerant of them. I left my ex-husband and can still feel his resentment of me, but we get on (superficially at least).

It will never be easy, but for my children's sake, I take a deep breath and just get on with him.

It helps that my 2nd husband is pretty tolerant.

My first grandchild is due in December - another connection - just have to think about how many people will love them.