How do I approach my lazy partner?

[mamaxbear]

We have been together for 5ish years now, engaged with a child. I love the bones of him and he’s a great dad/partner, he works hard and I never dispute this. However, at home he is LAZY. He very rarely cleans, only if I ask him to. He will wash dishes daily, he also cooks and the most he will do is sweep the kitchen/wipe the sides after cooking but this really is all he does on the cleaning front. Don’t get me wrong he’s great at DIY and doing the jobs I don’t want to do but I have to nag and nag and nag and it just ends up in me feeling frustrated and then an argument! I asked if he would give the bathroom a clean over a week ago - it’s still not been done. I asked if he would bring the garden furniture in now the weather is getting rubbish - it’s still outside. I asked if he would section some meat in the fridge and put it in the freezer last night - it’s not been done so I’ve had to do it. How do I approach telling him he’s pissing me off without being confrontational? I just want him to do things off his own back - I’m not his mother!!!

In my experience OP, they do not change. At least not for good. If you're lucky you may find after a conversation or 20, that he improves for a week. Then they regress back to the baseline you currently experience. It's like having a pre-teen that stays that age... Forever.

It's not particularly sexy having to be a grown man's mummy.

Maybe someone here knows a magic formula though...

Send him a WhatsApp

list everything you are doing on a weekly/daily basis

tell him he needs to do more as his list is small

Sometimes it's easier amd less annoying to do things yourself. Does him working and doing the DIY mire or less equal you doing the housework?

Tell him what the future holds for him if he continues like this. Women with partners who are lazy overgrown children are not sexually attractive and any interest you have in him will dry up like the Sahara desert. So if that’s the future he wants so be it. But you are not his mother to nag him. Make a clear chart of chores for him to use so he knows exactly what his responsibilities are. Ugh this is so unattractive that women have to train men like this.

He won't change. My ex was like this, it was one reason he became an ex after years of nagging, begging, crying, and it was so nice to meet a man (my now DH) who isn't lazy!

If you both work full time then divide the home chores between you.

Then he has his set jobs each week

On a friday morning my husband will change the beds and put the wash on and clean the bathroom. He does all the cooking and shopping.

I do the rest of the washing, drying, and hoover/polish the house. I will load the dishwasher after he has cooked and empty in the morning.

I never have to ask him, because that's not my job, he just does it, as do I.

Agree with others, he will not change. This is him. I tried multiple things to "encourage" my DH to step up. Thirty years later I'm divorcing because of his lazy and selfish ways and the resentment is off the charts. Mine did the DIY too, he still has jobs outstanding from ten years ago.

You cannot change another person. You can only change yourself, or you leave.

I am the lazy partner. The answer is to divvy up chores and/or set a rota. Write it down and pin it up. Then focus on your end only without monitoring your partner's end.

Ask yourself whether something actually has to be done right now or within a certain timeframe - eg spills obviously have to be dealt with immediately, kitchen should be cleaned daily, bathroom once every 7-10 days (depending on the mess you make as a household). Most other household chores are not urgent so if they're his tasks leave them to be done in his timeframe.

DP is the type of person who sees something that "needs to be done" and then will drop everything to do it that second (even if we're about to leave the house). I am not, I see something and get round to it in a few days. We've learned to compromise.

I also think that if the OP's partner cooks and washes up daily, and does the DIY, that's not exactly lazy and doing nothing. Also, the person who doesn't cook should do the kitchen cleaning.

Is he lazy or is he just doing different things? You say he cooks (and tbh that usually means the other person cleans up) and does the jobs you don’t want to.

Highly unlikely to change.
Do not make things much harder by having more children with him.

He's not a great partner if he's not fully contributing to your house and your lives, which he isn't. Also not a great dad as he's setting the example that women do everything, so it'll be repeated into the next generation.

Hmm.
Are you treating him like a child? What is important to you may not be important to him. You should discuss it and then allocate tasks to each other. I don't think that cutting meat or moving furniture would be at the top of everyone's lists. And to be honest, most do-it-yourself projects done by homeowners end up messy, unless they are minor tasks.

Could you get a cleaner? Think of it as an investment in a peaceful home life, maybe?

This is a tricky one, a very difficult dynamic to break!
I work with couples and sometimes I'll use very visual aids to get my point across. Making lists or pie charts with the division of labour, explaining the mental load of having to hold onto every chore because the other spouse won't take any responsability for it.
I once worked with a couple where it didn't seem to catch on, and I ended up grabbing a bag of juggling balls, and started going down a list of chores around the house. Whenever someone felt they were in charge of this chose, they lifted their hand and I'd throw them a ball. Being in charge meant: thinking of the chore, remembering it, planning to do it themselves or delegating it, checking whether it's completed, reminding the other to do it, and checking the quality of the work. In the end he had 3 balls, she had 17. I then told them to start juggling. This got my point across.

It’s really interesting to hear the different points of view on this topic. I will admit my own faults, I am definitely a control freak and want things doing 5 minutes ago 🤣 I work part time so naturally the house work ratio falls more on my side, but my days off I do also have our daughter at home with me so I’m not just having lazy days. I have made a list of how I feel and examples and I think I will chat with him when he is home from work. I don’t want to bash his character because he is a good person, I genuinely just think he is so laid back and I am just not that this is where we clash. Thanks everybody!

He's putting his feet up and letting you run around after everyone. He's not treating you with respect and sees the house and childcare as 'women's work'.

You're contributing towards this as you do it for him, have unrealistic expectations and also see it as women's work.

Ideally you divide up the chores and don't stand over him or do it for him. You also don't let him get away with strategic incompetence.

Stop mothering him. If he doesn't put his clothes in the laundry basket it doesn't get done, if the laundry is your job. He's being selfish OP and those rose tinted spectacles are going to come off and you're going to resent him.

I am definitely a control freak and want things doing 5 minutes ago

MN generally comes down very hard on any perception of partners who are untidy, messy, laidback when it comes to chores, but personally I think this behaviour is just as inconsiderate, disrespectful and potentially toxic.

Most things that need doing do not need doing immediately and it's perfectly reasonable to prioritise activities you actually enjoy. Tidying can wait.

He's NOT a great dad/partner though, is he? If he's lazy and not pulling his weight around the house, then he's not great at all!!!!

Thanks. I don’t think it’s fair to label me as toxic, disrespectful or inconsiderate to want someone who shares the home to help out with the general every day household tasks.

I am considerate, as I have left things such as the bathroom still needing to be cleaned a week after I asked if he could do this. Not for me - for us all. We all use the bathroom.

I think you ave two completely different issues here.

Issue one is that he's not contributing by actually proactively doing anything.

Issue two is that even when you ask him to do something, he does not do it.

I'm all for avoiding confrontation but frankly, I'd say the combination of the above means he's probalby counting on you avoiding confrontation to avoid getting out of it. And if you did get cross, you'd be accused of nagging.

You can try to sit him down and tell him how unacceptable this is. But I'm not optimistic.

The bathroom every 7-10 days is disgusting!! Unless you are cleaning the toilet/wiping the sink down more regularly and the deep clean is every 7-10 days?
This is often part of the reason the none lazy partner gets frustrated, if they wait for the lazy one to actually do something things get messy/dirty, the lazy partner is not inconvenienced by living in the clean home provided by the none lazy person, so it's a win win situation for the lazy one!

This is your life. They won’t change so decide if you can live with it before you get married.

So he cooks and washes up every day and cleans up after himself and will do chores when asked...just in his own sweet time. He also works. You also say he's a great dad and does parent your child. TBH he does a great deal more than many partners.
I'd start with asking him how much you think a cleaner would cost per week as you are struggling with your full time work and parenting.
I think asking him.to do things and then silently fuming until he does eventually do them isnt helping either of you tbh.

I ask my husband to do a specific chore WITH me, and by a certain date " can we go move that garden furniture this afternoon- its forecast rain all weekend" is a better request . " can you clean the bathroom this morning please - I'm mopping the floor when I get back from work at 4pm"
I have to accept that people see different needs for chores in the home, what you perceive as urgent may not be to your partner. My husband sweeps and mops the kitchen floor every day...even if I say "I'm gonna cook in here, leave it til after I'm done" he still sees the need for it to be done every morning...so he does it !
A cleaner 2hrs a week could possibly resolve the cleaning issue if you could afford it.
I will also add, in my experience that praise works really well. We all know a woman will do what needs doing, without any thanks, it just needs done, but my partners have always stepped up because of the praise is given. They are just wired different I guess. After 35 years of sharing a home with two different hubbies, these are just my observations.

Definitely move it from verbal requests to written down lists. Stick on the fridge or noticeboard.
Have your own lists too, and tick stuff off as it’s done.

Good luck!

Honestly if he always cooks and does the food shop you’re into a winner!!
even with a cleaner there’s still always meals. And washing, beds, towels, and the bits the cleaner never does.
If he works full time, cooks, shops and is an active involved parent I’d say he’s contributing well. Not a man child like many here seem to think!