I'm so scared but I think it's the end

[Greenyellowredpeppers]

We've been together for 14 years and have 2 dc.
I work and he is a SAHD. This is a recent change in the past few years after he was made redundant then I was allowed to go to work.
I don't think we work any more and are just together for the children. We get competitive, snappy, resentful and it's not healthy. We're not on the same page, don't want the same things in life and it's apparent there's no compromise. We don't compliment each other or say nice things.
I want to travel, buy a house, get married, move to a better area and he makes me feel like I'm living in a dream world, it's unrealistic and I'm going to fail. A mortgage is a lifetime of debt, travelling is for the rich, getting married is a piece of paper..
I was knocked back for a promotion at work and he said not to put myself out there again and I didn't listen, went for it, put my all in and got it. I didn't even get a congratulations. I got moaned at then the silent treatment because I took on more responsibility.
I'm scared and I feel trapped. When I've spoke about leaving he said I can go but I'm not having the kids or house. We're on a joint tenancy so neither has more rights.
My mum left my dad when I was young and neither had another relationship. My parents don't have a good relationship. I'm scared my children will resent me for breaking up their family home. I'm scared I'll have to leave my home and children and won't be able to build the same for them.
I met someone else and it would never progress in to a relationship or anything but those feelings and urges are there and I know in my heart my relationship is over. There was a point where I couldn't look in another man's direction, wanted to get married but if he asked me to marry him now, I couldn't do it.
I want us to get along. We're both good people and he's a good dad but we pull each other back.
Please help, I don't know what to do! When I try and talk about things he doesn't communicate, shuts me down, calls me controlling, then goes quiet, I end up getting emotional and then we don't talk for days. I've had enough of going in circles.

Ok. So being practical.
How old are the children? Him being a SAHD means he may get primary residency, but in reality the courts go for 50/50 anyway.
start saving some money/paying off any debts you have and have a serious think if you want to live with him forever more.

You’re in a really strong position - you’re focused and driven
someone who crushes your dreams and doesn’t support you is a shit
leave and don’t look back - the world is your oyster

Get some decent legal advice as well especially as you aren’t married

he's jealous of your success......he's probably on a downer and takes it out on you. He needs to get a job and some self respect back. Can your kids go to after school clubs/family etc.........

Sorry to say, he sounds like a drain. If you stay too long, he'll wear away at your confidence and your ambitions.

Please don't let him do that, you sound so positive and like you want things from life.

So what's this about you being "allowed" to work? Sounds like he's the one being controlling.
Make sure you do some of the childcare.

I would go and talk to a solicitor to see how you stand legally. Then take it from there. But prolonging the agony doesn't help any of you.

Go and see a lawyer.
Clarify what is a likely outcome of the situation.
Are you likely to get 50/50 care for example?
And then financially,
Do you need to put some money aside (eg for a deposit) etc….

Knowing what’s going on will help you get empowered.

Fwiw I dint think children get resentful that their parents have separated. Even more so when said parents are clearly not suited and fight all the time.
Rather How they feel depends a lot of how their parents after the separation.

@Swanbeauty I agree it won't make our relationship better but they're personal goals that I have that I feel held back from achieving. I'm sorry things aren't working out for you too. I'm 31. Thank you ❤️

@ZeroFucksGivenToday they're 6 and 10 so well aware of what's going on. Given the option I know they'd stay with me, especially the youngest and I'd never stop them seeing him.
I've got a little bit of savings and currently no debt. I've been feeling this way for a while.

@rubyslippers thank you for the positive encouragement 😊

@naw131 I agree also but I've tried to encourage him to get a job and said we'll be able to use the school and a childminder but he gets angry and defensive and accuses me of pushing him into things. I wholeheartedly believe in keeping busy and being practical. I've suffered with MH in the past so I see the signs. I can show him where the water is but I can't force him to drink it

@DelphiniumBlue every time I brought up the subject of working or using my qualifications to go to university I was shut down, told it wouldn't work and would put too much strain on us. I couldn't work around his crazy work hours and he refused to look for another job.
Of course I would share childcare. If anything, a shared schedule would do me the world of good.

@DreamHolidays I don't see why I wouldn't get 50/50 - my children are everything to me and I did 90% of everything for 7 years.

I know what feels right in my heart but I'm terrified, what if I make the leap and 'the grass isn't greener', what if I regret my decision

And what if you waste another 10 years of your life?

@Swanbeauty I honestly understand that feeling, it's crushing. If we keep ending up back here it's got to mean something? My friend has been single for 8 years and still says she'd rather be on her own than back in that relationship.

We got together when I was 16 and I feel as though I've grown so much as a person. I feel as though I've matured, have more self respect and have a better idea of what I want from life. I know all of the things I don't want and wouldn't settle for. I would never want to jump in to another relationship. I would definitely need time and space.

Oh my love, run and keep running and build a happy life for yourself where you're valued

@mydaughterisademon that's my biggest fear!!! What if I get to 80 and regret all of the things I didn't do.
I watched the closest person to me take their last breath and slip away - it doesn't half put things in to perspective.

I also care for him and could never just take the children and leave. I couldn't do that to the children either. I wouldn't want to push him in to a dark place which I feel worried about but I don't know how long I can do this

We're always afraid of the unknown, it's a human trait. You sound like a strong woman though OP (even if you don't feel it sometimes) and I think you'd get through a separation ok and flourish. Your DC are both at school now, so your partner can only be doing after school care, and maybe a little in the mornings, so I can't see why you wouldn't get at least 50%, maybe more.

I would recommend getting legal advice. Your partner can't just make statements like "you can't have the children or house". You are joint tenants so you're entitled to your share, and it would be up to the courts to decide on residency of the children.

I can tell from your post that you already have one foot out of the door. Now you have to be even braver and get the second foot out the door.

He’s using your children and the joint tenancy as a threat to make you stay. Remember, some men would persuade you to stay by suggesting couples counselling or listening to you and trying to address the problems in your relationship. Instead, he threatens you with losing the babies that your birthed and raised. Fuck him. Find a solicitor to confirm exactly what others have said here - you will likely get 50:50 contact with your children and the tenancy will either need to be terminated or transferred to one of you.

I'm in a very similar situation except he works part time. It's no way to live!

Oh and at 6 and 10 he should work!

You would probably be better off as co parents and friends living apart. He can stay in the rental and you can put that deposit down on your own home.
As long as neither of you denigrate the other in front of the children, everyone will get used to the new living arrangements.
Don’t worry about being lonely, it’s way more lonely living with someone who stamps on your dreams all the time than being on your own and having the freedom to fly.
I left my misery guts husband decades ago and he’s still living in the same damp cottage that he must have paid for twice over rather than ‘the millstone’ of a mortgage. I however have paid off my mortgage entirely, on my own.

It must be like death by a thousand cuts.

You're so young, don't waste your life with this complete dead weight on your shoulders. You will never change him.

You deserve to be happy and your children will be ok. I think it’s harder for them in a two parent situation where one of both is unhappy than with a single happy Mum (and hopefully Dad too but that is not your responsibility). Start the wheels in motion and begin a lovely new life for yourself. Your children will be part of that, I’m sure you’d get 50/50