Hubbys business trips are like a lads holiday

[rosesarered79]

I’m feeling really fed up and frustrated at the moment with my husbands business trips. He goes away at least twice a month which I understand he does for his job this isn’t the problem. The problem is when he’s away the evenings are like a lads holiday he goes out every night he’s away and drinks so much. He parties until the early hours. He then gets home complaining he’s tired and just wants to rest . Meanwhile i’m left looking after the kids and the house whilst working. Am I being unreasonable in feeling resentful. If i try and approach it he just accuses me of nagging and says he doesn’t want to go on these trips and he just has to get in with it whilst he’s there!

employed or self employed?
high earning?
networking critical to role?

what he like this aside?

I’ve a few friends that go on a lot of business trips that range from conferences with a lot of them sitting in hotel rooms to big piss ups!!! They get fed up with people telling them they’re lucky, saying they wouldn’t have chosen to go away, they’ve jet lag etc. yanbu to be pissed off but it depends on whether he has any say- some companies take into account that you’re going away too much, others say it’s in your contract (or if he’s in charge I’d say he has no say at all!!!)

Does he work in Insurance? All the brokers I know are like this.

I think it is reasonable to expect him to be prepared to be extra involved when he returns to 'make up' for his absence. I don't think it is worthwhile being cross or upset at the trips, they're not likely to change, just focus on what you would like him to do differently when he returns.

I think it's unreasonable if when he is home he isn't pulling his weight.

Even if he has to socialise when he is away he has a choice in how much he drinks. I think it's reasonable to expect him to be an adult and moderate his alcohol intake at least so that when he is home he isn't " recovering" and can be a fully functioning partner and parent.

Personally I would find this too much of a lifestyle clash and wouldn't be comfortable in a relationship with someone whose working life revolved around partying and being away from home so much.

Thanks for the replies. He’s employed and yes works in insurance. The trips have to be done as part of his job so there’s no skipping them. It’s reassuring to know this is common in the industry. I have no problem with him going away or him being tired when he gets home. I think it’s more because I know he’s tired because he’s been out drinking all night. When he gets home he just wants to sit and do nothing whilst i’m running around sorting the kids out and making sure the house is tidy etc. Then my paranoia kicks in and i’m questioning would he rather be away still than home with me. Maybe I need to look at my own insecurities and it’s me who’s the problem.

When he’s around at weekends… what is he like when not hungover and tired?

how old is he?

When he gets home he just wants to sit and do nothing

That's the unacceptable part, like PP says fair enough he has to go but he should be more than pulling his weight when he gets back. It's

Id have no sympathy for self induced tiredness

Ha this is like in Motherland where Julia is always having to wrangle the kids while her husband can never help with his own kids because he's having "work meetings" going go karting, etc.

Sorry OP it's no help to you but I'd be hitting the roof about him coming home tired and not participating in family life or responsibilities.

Agree the fact he has to go away is t the issue it is the fact it spills over onto family time and makes you work even harder

My sympathies op, been there, got the tshirt! The worst occasion was when dd2 was 8 days old and had dd1 aged 2 of course, moved for his work and knew few people. Back then didn't get called either much because no mobile.

My DH has that too, but it’s only a week 3-4 times a year, plus a week every month for 3 nights when people visit his office.

The kids are 2 and 4 and I rarely get to sleep through the night. After the first one we agreed he can’t say he’s tired unless I say I’m rested first. On the at home ones I have a lot more sympathy because it’s over an hour commute each way as opposed to rolling into bed. He also helps when he gets home but might need an advil or extra coffee

I have a job like this and while it looks fun from the outside it's anything but. Twice this year the pace of having to be 'on' and socialising until the early hours has resulted in my getting ill - I'm honestly too old - and I know most in my industry feel the same, but no one senior enough has the desire to change things. I completely understand why he's so tired, I'm always knackered after a work trip involving presenting, networking, flights, long drives etc.
That said, he shouldn't be leaving everything to you when he's home so he needs to find a way to make it fair for both of you.

He doesn't have to drink every time... I've been on plenty of work assignments staying over and don't feel the need to party all night. Neither does my boyfriend. However my Ex used to be like you describe and he also cheated on me and called me names... He is showing a lack of respect for you at the very least.

My DH (very senior sales role) travels a lot which involves lots of entertaining and networking but it’s very easy to avoid the heavy drinking “lads” - usually it’s not the senior people.

The exception to this was his ex-boss who had serial affairs and a massive coke addiction. He got fired.

Myself and DH travel for work.
We don’t behave like this.
It’s extremely unprofessional

He has a choice OP, and he’s not choosing his family

I thought these sort of work trips died out in the 90's, obviously not. Does he have to drink and party until dawn every single time? I really do question that.

That's insurance/financial services. Presume you don't work in that industry?

It's his choice to party on the trips. I'd have an agreement one nights rest after returning then he's back on shared parenting duty and you get a night/day off.

I used to work away a lot too. Its all part of the networking. Youre being a bit unreasonable

He's leaving you twice a month with children at home, which sounds unavoidable, but someone who cares about your wellbeing would want to make up for that when he got home. My guy is self employed and at worst, he's away from like 6am to 8pm. If and when that happens, he is utterly apologetic, and even though he is knackered, he will deal with the kids if they're still awake. Because he knows I've likely been pulling my hair out all day. Similarly, when I was out at uni, I'd come home and sort food out for everyone, then attack the bedtime routine myself. IME, a relationship with children really only works if both parents understand the specifically exhausting, mentally draining reality of solo parenting for hours at a time.

I sat in very heavy academic seminars that would totally drain me, but I still knew I was in better shape than my guy, who had listened to eleventy billion facts about Pokémon interspersed with twice-hourly arguments about underpants and whose actions figure is the best. So I came home and had his back because I know I can rely on the same when the roles are reversed.

So one has to be a sheep? That's sad. Makes me wonder if you cannot say no to partying, what else are you not able to say 'no' to?

I travel for work and there is a lot of drinking involved - we host clients and it’s what they want and expect.

A male colleague of mine misses his children desperately while away and says he feels so guilty because he can’t help out to the extent he wants when he’s back because of the jet lag so his wife is left doing childcare for the full week.

I think it’s easy from the outside looking in to think he’s off having fun and you’re at home with the kids, but work trips are still work and staying out late, drinking, making conversation with people you don’t know, keeping a smile on your face and getting up early the next morning (probably with a hangover) to network/attend events/meet clients and then start the socialising all over again is genuinely exhausting. Instead of a normal work day you are “on” 24/7 for a few days on the trot. I understand why you feel resentful but try to remember that these work trips are work.

Can you book a girls trip to look forward to that he can manage the childcare himself for?

I get that this is really annoying but 100% this is a real insurance industry thing. I would focus on making sure that he is doing his business development effectively and is on a good trajectory in his career. If all the travelling isn’t a good fit for family life he will probably need to change sectors and be stuck in an office instead.

You do realise this is why most London professionals think a cocaine habit is normal and everyone does it.