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Original poster

Missed out of wedding speech

47 replies

Elzibells · 30/09/2024 09:23

My older brother got married this summer. We have no other siblings and have always been close. He paid tribute to his wife, their daughter, our parents, his wife's brother and two of his close friends in his wedding speech but there was no mention of me. I was hurt by it at the time and he came to me afterwards and apologised. He told me the speech had been too long and he hadn't wanted to make it any longer. I reassured him and laughed it off because I didn't want it to be on his mind for the rest of his wedding day. We haven't talked about it since but I'm struggling to let it go. He talked about all the people that mean the most to him and left me off the list. I don't feel I can bring it up now that a few months have passed but it's eating away at me and making me question whether he even likes me. Am I being over sensitive? Any advice for moving on?

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 30/09/2024 09:28

No I don’t think you are being over sensitive. I think it was wrong of him to leave you out especially if you’re close.

I don’t know what to suggest though. I probably wouldn’t raise it again months later but I definitely think you’re justified in feeling hurt. His explanation doesn’t really make sense as it would only have taken a few seconds to thank you also.

To thank his brother in law but not his brother is bullshit behaviour in my opinion.

Alicana · 30/09/2024 09:29

Do you otherwise have a good relationship? Maybe he feels like you know how much you mean to him, unlike the others who he probably doesn’t talk to as much.

Ariela · 30/09/2024 09:29

Let it go, he knew he'd made a mistake (I can't imagine how horrific it is on the nerves to do a speech if you're not a natural public speaker) and came and told you so. That to me would be more important than mentioning you in a speech. Why do you need public validation?

librathroughandthrough · 30/09/2024 09:31

Ariela · 30/09/2024 09:29

Let it go, he knew he'd made a mistake (I can't imagine how horrific it is on the nerves to do a speech if you're not a natural public speaker) and came and told you so. That to me would be more important than mentioning you in a speech. Why do you need public validation?

Did you read it as if the OP was in the speech but the brother forgot to read that part? I read it as if she was never mentioned in any draft as he knew he was excluding her and it was not an error?

CatamaranViper · 30/09/2024 09:34

I think this is one of those times where you need to listen to your rational brain instead of your emotional brain (mine are always at odds with each other).

You'll know that he likes you, you're close! How he treats you every other day of the year is more important than a 10 minute speech at a wedding. If he's kind, caring, interested, makes an effort etc then of course he loves you.

It was crappy to be forgotten and I too would have felt very hurt and embarrassed, but it is not a reflection on you. People don't really remember wedding speeches all that often so it won't be on anyone else's mind.

Don't let it drive a wedge in an otherwise nice relationship.

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 30/09/2024 09:35

@Ariela He didn't make 'a mistake' he made a choice. He chose to leave the OP out.

@Elzibells

I think you should talk to him properly now & tell him you still feel hurt & it's making you question your relationship.

Whyherewego · 30/09/2024 09:38

I think you're overthinking

Weddings are fraught and stuff gets compromised and forgotten. People wont remember the detail of the speech. He's apologised. I think time to move on

OwlishPeering · 30/09/2024 09:38

You know you’re close. Why do you need this to be mentioned publicly? Or, more crucially, why would you think he doesn’t like you because he didn’t mention you in his wedding speech?

Reluctantnurse · 30/09/2024 09:44

Does his wife like you?

Original poster
Elzibells · 30/09/2024 09:51

Reluctantnurse · 30/09/2024 09:44

Does his wife like you?

I would say she is on the cooler side of indifferent towards me

OP posts:
TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyArsehole · 30/09/2024 09:59

My dad never mentioned me or my sibling. He thanked his bloody staff along with others. It still hurts now. We didn't even have a seat during the ceremony. I don't think you're being over sensitive. I'd talk to your brother about it you will feel much better. I've still never brought it up to my dad it eats away at me.

harrumphh · 30/09/2024 10:02

librathroughandthrough · 30/09/2024 09:31

Did you read it as if the OP was in the speech but the brother forgot to read that part? I read it as if she was never mentioned in any draft as he knew he was excluding her and it was not an error?

Show quote history

I think this is an important clarification.

If he panicked at the time and forgot or lost his place, that's completely understandable vs choosing to not include you at the preparation stages.

Pinkyhere · 30/09/2024 10:22

I forgot someone very close to me at a celebration speech. They had travelled especiallyto be there but without his wife so perhaps thats why I left him out bc I was listing couples.... either way I just forgot. No backstory. I apologised sincerely I hope he was OK with it.
Bringing it up again is likely going to make your brother defensive and upset with you. If his wife is cool with you, you risk alienating yourself and giving her a reason not to like you.
It's sad and unkind but not sure raising it will do anything other than making it worse

FrothyCothy · 30/09/2024 10:26

Did your brother come to you unprompted to apologise? If so I would take that as genuine and not raise it again

fallenbranches · 30/09/2024 10:26

This is odd. Maybe he did 'forget' but he didn't manage to forget others including wife's brother! To me it sounds like this was a speech to suck up to certain people, maybe even written or draft read by his wife. I wouldn't be happy with this. What else will he 'forget' to include you in the future. Sorry but he sounds a bit pathetic.

hairbearbunches · 30/09/2024 10:27

I think you know where this is going, OP. If the wife, your new sister in law, is on the 'cooler side of indifferent' towards you, expect your brother to be moved in to her family dynamic completely and his relationship with his own family to become cooler over time. If you were previously close, the new wife may be jealous of that dynamic. Some women would welcome you with open arms as another sister for themselves, others are insecure and see it as competition for their husband's attention. If he thanked her brother and not you, his sister, in his speech, sounds like she's already started making plans.

Original poster
Elzibells · 30/09/2024 10:31

librathroughandthrough · 30/09/2024 09:31

Did you read it as if the OP was in the speech but the brother forgot to read that part? I read it as if she was never mentioned in any draft as he knew he was excluding her and it was not an error?

Show quote history

You're right, I was never in the speech in the first place, it wasn't a case of being flustered which I would totally understand.

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 30/09/2024 10:31

Elzibells · 30/09/2024 09:51

I would say she is on the cooler side of indifferent towards me

Show quote history

This may be relevant.

My husband was hurt when he didn’t get mentioned in wedding speeches - he was best man & was doing loads to help the wedding run smoothly. Other friends were thanked by name just for turning up!

However … things were a bit cool at the time between him and the bride. They all get on well now but my husband does still feel secretly hurt about what happened at his best mate’s wedding.

Original poster
Elzibells · 30/09/2024 10:33

@CatamaranViper this is why I came here, needed this sort of perspective!

OP posts:
MontyDonsBlueScarf · 30/09/2024 10:39

I'm still hurt by being left out of my brother's wedding photos 30 years ago. I'm sure it was just an oversight rather than deliberate. I've moved on from it and forgiven him but that doesn't make the original experience any less painful, your just have to acknowledge that.

Daschund · 30/09/2024 10:48

I think even if he made a conscious choice, you're seriously overthinking it. Nothing can be changed now. What do you want to happen?
DS recently married. He is very close to his brother, who was in his wedding party. He was accidentally overlooked in the printed order of service. No one noticed or said anything.
If you make a big deal over it now it will be a black mark on the day for he snd his DW (who doesn't sound like your biggest fan). You don't want to be putting a downer on the memory of their wedding.

AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime · 30/09/2024 10:55

I would brace yourself for the likelihood that your relationship will change now that he’s married.
Leaving you out of the speech was a deliberate statement, as was him coming to you to tell you that there was no room for you in the speech. He could easily have said he’d forgotten, but he made a point of telling you you’d deliberately been excluded. Unlike others I don’t think that’s honourable at all. It’s knowingly being hurtful.
You have two choices really. You can mention it to him, but he’s unlikely to tell you the truth, or you can back off a bit. I’m not talking NC or anything like that, but it’s clear that you’re not as close as you thought.

Thebellofstclements · 30/09/2024 11:00

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 30/09/2024 09:35

@Ariela He didn't make 'a mistake' he made a choice. He chose to leave the OP out.

@Elzibells

I think you should talk to him properly now & tell him you still feel hurt & it's making you question your relationship.

What would be the point of that? Do you think he should break down, plead with the OP, beating his chest crying "mea culpa!"
It's one very busy, often not pleasant day, when he had to go round doing pretty unnatural tasks and he messed up one small part. If his own sibling can't forgive him that then it's a pretty poor state of affairs.
The OP is being very over sensitive and making the brothers wedding all about themselves.

The poor groom apologised at the time!

WeirdyWorldy · 30/09/2024 11:00

I had similar, but it was my son.

Yes I was hurt but I know he loves me and I him. We have a great relationship, he would never intentionally hurt me.

In his words it was the best day of his life, and although I was hurt at the time that I wasn't mentioned I know he didn't mean to hurt me.

My advice would be to just let it go, it's a really busy day for the groom and I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

CherryBlossom321 · 30/09/2024 11:01

He’s apologised, there’s nothing else he can do about it. It’s OK to still be hurting about it, just process as necessary and you should move on naturally in time.