Am I stupid?! Long story ….have a lost myself?!

[Secondtimemum24]

Ok so long story but I feel like I’m going crazy. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years.. I have 3 teenage children from a previous relationship and Now have a baby 6 months old with him.
basically when we got together he would buy me flowers all the time we’d go for dinner etc I know that ALWAYS happens at the beginning I’m not silly… he started to change a little like didn’t like me going out really with my friends but would never come when he was invited.
he doesn’t have any family of his own but my family have kinda taken him in.
he loves my kids I can see that.
it’s me I’m questioning if he loves now….
I got pregnant which is everything he’s ever wanted and since then our relationship has gone south … I felt like I repulsed him during my pregnancy.
he absolutely loves the bones of our baby more than anything I can tell that.
but I do everything !! Every bottle every nappy every get up.
i used to cook great dinners for the family but my time is just taken up now so I’ve slacked a little. but I still make sure he has a dinner when he gets in…
he’s terrible with money asks to borrow it until his pay day god knows what he spends it on…
I pay for everything … bills,food,baby clothes,stuff for my kids.
move bought him trainers, clothes etc …
he sends me pics of things he like which I think is him hinting however he says it’s not…
I’ve moaned about this and now he’s saying don’t buy me anything ever ..
we haven’t had a date in over a year…
i dunno girls help me out please xx

Honestly it sounds like he's just got comfortable, lazy and/or complacent. Possible cocklodger territory.
You need to be super honest and tell him to step up or get out.

I do question him 'loving the bones' of the baby when he does fuck all to care for them though.

Why are you paying for everything? He isn't pulling his weight financially or in practical stuff? Are you working? Sounds like you have another child (at best) or a cocklodger (at worst).

Cocklodger would be a good description if we were having sex that hasn’t happened since I got pregnant!!

Cocklodger would be a good description if we were having sex that hasn’t happened since I got pregnant!!

So you pay for everything and do everything and he ?????

That’s what I’m trying to figure out … my friends would basically tell me to leave him.. and I suppose I know deep down that I should. We have arguments about how I feel but my feelings are never validated I’m always wrong x

This is an abusive relationship for the following reasons;

1. He love bombed you in the beginning of your relationship in order to hook you in. Now that he feels he has you trapped, he doesn’t need to do this.
2. He doesn’t like you going out with your friends.
3. He does not contribute to childcare and puts all responsibility on you, leaving you with no time for yourself or your other children.
4. He is financially abusive. You have no idea what he spends his money on.
5. He sulks when he can’t have his way. This is emotional abuse. It’s passive aggressive and a manipulation tactic.
6. He is withholding intimacy.
7. You are not allowed to voice concerns about your relationship or talk about your feelings without him becoming sulky and manipulative. He is controlling how you are allowed to feel.

It won’t get better. It will get worse. Abusive men always get worse. Living with an emotionally abusive man like this will deplete your finances, erode your friendships and relationships outside of the relationship, including those with your older children and friends because you won’t have time to maintain them, destroy your self esteem due to his withholding of intimacy and your feeling being dismissed and invalidated and leave you depressed and questioning reality because he will gaslight you. Emotionally abusive men always gaslight.

Do yourself and your children a favour and kick him out the house.

Get rid OP. He's adding nothing to your life.

And think of the example you are setting to your dc. Would you want them in this kind of relationship?

I feel like I needed to read this ! Thank you

You know he is exploiting you and this is never going to get anywhere.

So...

What's your situation?
Working - are you self sufficient?
Housing - rented (whose name?), owned/mortgaged?
Any practical issues/complications?

If you can manage on your own, which by the sound of it you can, pack up his stuff and change the locks.

Since he is not giving you the courtesy of being a proper partner and father to his child, there is no need for lengthy discussions. Just do it.

And put in a claim with CMS today, not tomorrow.

Also: every penny you give this loser is money which could otherwise benefit your children...

Have a read of this. It will help you see what’s happening more clearly.

dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

As you can probably tell I’m a bit worn down right now so probably sound naive which I’m actually not I’m actually quite a bloody strong person just not at the moment.

my House is just mine.
im on mat leave atm.
get UC to top up

if I say go tonight he has no money and no place to go ?
and then will say he wants to come to mine to see his baby which has happened before … what’s your advice ?

What's he doing with his money if you are paying for everything? He's got money, he just doesn't see why he should spend his when he can spend yours.

Where he goes once you've asked him to leave is not your concern, he's an adult, he can sort it out. If he wants to see his child, he will need to arrange accommodation, do not let him use your house.

What @unsync says. Every word of it. You know the saying: put your life mask on first.

Please prioritise your children.

Do you have anyone who can support you while you get rid of him? If not, call Women's Aid.

Aww poor baby! My heart bleeds for him.

You need to stop letting this cretin walk all over you. He is NOT your responsibility. He is a grown ass man and he can look after himself. He made his bed. This is a result of his own shitty behaviour and now he has to pay the price for it.

Here’s what you do. While he’s out for the day, Pack him a bag of clothing, toiletries, etc. Have the locks changed. Text him the relationship is over and he has to leave. He will have to make his own arrangements. I’m sure he has friends/family he can crash with, if not, there’s plenty of b&b’s or hotels he can stay in till he can apply for housing or find a place to rent. Either way, it’s his problem.

You download a free parenting app and make childcare arrangements only through that. Block him everywhere else. This means phone, social media, email, etc. Tell him he is not allowed to come to your house. Child contact handovers should be in a public place. If he ignores you and comes to your house, don’t open the door to him, call the police to have him removed. Do this any time he appears near your home. Contact cms and make arrangements for them to collect child maintenance from him and pay it to you. Do this immediately. Keep a diary of anything he does that he’s not meant to like turning up at your property, trying to contact you via letter or other means, having friends or family contact you on his behalf, (these are flying monkeys and you should also block them, refusing to pay maintenance, refusing to abide by contact agreement times/days, etc.

Read the book I posted the link for and LEARN THE GREY ROCK TECHNIQUE.

I realise this all prob sounds extreme but I have worked with women who have suffered abuse at the hands of such men for a number of years now and I can tell you this,

1. Ending a relationship is the most dangerous time for a women as their abuser loses control and abuse can escalate quickly.
2. Abusive men tend to continue with post separation abuse.
3. Abusive men tend to try and use child access and child maintenance to continue to coerce and control ex partners as part of post separation abuse.
4. Courts, should you need to involve them down the line, want evidence and patterns of behaviour. So, log and report everything you can.

Take no prisoners. This is your life, wellbeing and safety both physical and emotional. It’s also how to model healthy self respect and self esteem to your children. It shows them that you don’t tolerate being treated like crap by anybody, ever.

Thank you I really appreciate the advice I’ve spent a long time making excuses and thinking I’m overreacting that “it’s not that bad” but I know I’ve gotta end it. Tell him to go I am nervous i just feel like I dunno how I go forward with contact for baby etc but this helped x

In terms of contact, until he has appropriate accommodation sorted, he can’t have the baby overnight. Depending on when he works, he could see baby on his time off. So if he’s Mon - Fri he could see baby on a Saturday from 10am - 5pm, (whatever works best for baby in terms of bedtime routine, etc).

Once he’s settled into appropriate accommodation, you could do every second weekend from Fri to Sunday and a day during the week. Again this is depending on his work patterns. Handovers should be in a public place, employ the grey rock technique.

Stick to a routine as this is best for baby and keeps everyone right. If he starts wanting to change it all over the place, doesn’t show up, doesn’t come back at the agreed times, etc, withhold contact and he will have to take it to court at his own expense if he wants contact. Then you can put forward your days/times for access, that which I’ve outlined above is a standard sort of contact agreement that most courts would be happy with. This means you have a court order in place and you don’t have to change it or allow him to mess you about. You just always refer back to the court order. Hopefully it won’t come to that but in these kind of situations you have to employ strategic forward planning.

Don’t get roped into mud slinging, being messed about, chasing after him on the days he’s meant to appear, etc. Grey rock and log everything. Stay child focused. You can do this. The mess crap you take, the easier it will be. Cut him off. He’s dead to you now.

Baby is too young for overnights at 6 months old!

I would take legal advice on custody arrangements.

Thank you for all your advice

Thank you for all your advice

A court would advocate for overnights from birth. I personally don’t agree with this but that’s the facts of the matter. Fathers have equal parental rights to mothers and should also be made to do night feeds, get up with the baby, bath the baby, change the baby, feed the baby, etc. I know of breastfed babies who were given overnights with their father and mother was forced to express milk for those times. Again, I don’t agree with this personally and believe it is detrimental for breastfeeding but it’s the way the court system works. Of course the OP should take legal advice but this is the standard childcare arrangements in many, many cases.

Wow that’s crazy I can’t imagine he will have anywhere sufficient to stay for a while and when he does it will probably be a room in a shared house

I second everything that @TipsyJoker has said and advised. In particular, the abuse WILL be ramping up now that there's a baby in the mix, even if you don't leave him. And if you do leave him, I agree.

Be prepared to be accused of a lot of vile things. Also be prepared for threats, "I'll get custody, I'll them what you're really like" etc etc etc.

Another tactic is the deploy extreme victimhood. He'll lose his job, have nowhere to stay etc.

Final point: In my experience, the moment a woman has to reassure other people that her partner loves their child.... is the moment you know there's a massive massive problem. Such statements are almost ALWAYS followed by, "but he never does anything, he never plays with him, he never changes a nappy, he never contributes financially....."

I have never had to say any version of, "DH really loves the children" in my life.

That’s true I’ve made excuses for him our whole relationship to be honest