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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I stupid?! Long story ….have a lost myself?!

38 replies

Secondtimemum24 · 30/09/2024 08:18

Ok so long story but I feel like I’m going crazy. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years.. I have 3 teenage children from a previous relationship and Now have a baby 6 months old with him.
basically when we got together he would buy me flowers all the time we’d go for dinner etc I know that ALWAYS happens at the beginning I’m not silly… he started to change a little like didn’t like me going out really with my friends but would never come when he was invited.
he doesn’t have any family of his own but my family have kinda taken him in.
he loves my kids I can see that.
it’s me I’m questioning if he loves now….
I got pregnant which is everything he’s ever wanted and since then our relationship has gone south … I felt like I repulsed him during my pregnancy.
he absolutely loves the bones of our baby more than anything I can tell that.
but I do everything !! Every bottle every nappy every get up.
i used to cook great dinners for the family but my time is just taken up now so I’ve slacked a little. but I still make sure he has a dinner when he gets in…
he’s terrible with money asks to borrow it until his pay day god knows what he spends it on…
I pay for everything … bills,food,baby clothes,stuff for my kids.
move bought him trainers, clothes etc …
he sends me pics of things he like which I think is him hinting however he says it’s not…
I’ve moaned about this and now he’s saying don’t buy me anything ever ..
we haven’t had a date in over a year…
i dunno girls help me out please xx

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 30/09/2024 13:49

Secondtimemum24 · 30/09/2024 13:31

Wow that’s crazy I can’t imagine he will have anywhere sufficient to stay for a while and when he does it will probably be a room in a shared house

Yes, that’s why I said suitable accommodation. So that would mean somewhere for the baby to sleep and be safe if around other adults. If that means he can’t have baby overnight for an extended period, that’s what will have to happen. If he has nowhere to go he can apply for a housing association home due to being unintentionally homeless due to relationship breakdown and include the fact that he will have childcare responsibilities so he is placed in appropriate accommodation. But again, that’s up to him to sort out, not you. He’s a grown man. You concentrate on you and your children.

Fraaahnces · 30/09/2024 13:55

Also be prepared for him to get a replacement you and tell her that you’re crazy and a bad parent etc…. All the while he won’t be bothered seeing his kid but he will tell her how much he misses the baby, hasn’t paid a penny on child support, changed a nappy (or provided any)and tells everyone you’re keeping his precious baby from him.

Secondtimemum24 · 30/09/2024 13:57

TipsyJoker · 30/09/2024 13:49

Yes, that’s why I said suitable accommodation. So that would mean somewhere for the baby to sleep and be safe if around other adults. If that means he can’t have baby overnight for an extended period, that’s what will have to happen. If he has nowhere to go he can apply for a housing association home due to being unintentionally homeless due to relationship breakdown and include the fact that he will have childcare responsibilities so he is placed in appropriate accommodation. But again, that’s up to him to sort out, not you. He’s a grown man. You concentrate on you and your children.

Thank you!

OP posts:
MrSeptember · 30/09/2024 13:59

OP another red flag is if he's ever accused you of "disrespect"

Secondtimemum24 · 30/09/2024 14:13

MrSeptember · 30/09/2024 13:59

OP another red flag is if he's ever accused you of "disrespect"

Of course

OP posts:
Snoken · 30/09/2024 14:19

Well done @Secondtimemum24 for realising this so soon! I was in a relationship/marriage that changed for the worse as soon as I got pregnant too and it took me 2 decades to realise just how abusive and horrible it was and to finally get out. You have much better circumstances that I did by having money and a house that he has no claim on so it should be relatively straight forward to leave, because you have to leave.

Chessfan · 30/09/2024 14:23

Secondtimemum24 · 30/09/2024 08:18

Ok so long story but I feel like I’m going crazy. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years.. I have 3 teenage children from a previous relationship and Now have a baby 6 months old with him.
basically when we got together he would buy me flowers all the time we’d go for dinner etc I know that ALWAYS happens at the beginning I’m not silly… he started to change a little like didn’t like me going out really with my friends but would never come when he was invited.
he doesn’t have any family of his own but my family have kinda taken him in.
he loves my kids I can see that.
it’s me I’m questioning if he loves now….
I got pregnant which is everything he’s ever wanted and since then our relationship has gone south … I felt like I repulsed him during my pregnancy.
he absolutely loves the bones of our baby more than anything I can tell that.
but I do everything !! Every bottle every nappy every get up.
i used to cook great dinners for the family but my time is just taken up now so I’ve slacked a little. but I still make sure he has a dinner when he gets in…
he’s terrible with money asks to borrow it until his pay day god knows what he spends it on…
I pay for everything … bills,food,baby clothes,stuff for my kids.
move bought him trainers, clothes etc …
he sends me pics of things he like which I think is him hinting however he says it’s not…
I’ve moaned about this and now he’s saying don’t buy me anything ever ..
we haven’t had a date in over a year…
i dunno girls help me out please xx

Oh come on, he doesn't love the bones off of his baby, because he's a Disney dad and isn't prepared to do literally anything substantive like bottles, night waking, nappies, etc.

He's a lazy money grabbing guy who still expects you to have dinner on the table, give him money and do ALL the childcare. You're not his mum, this isn't the 1950s.

Secondtimemum24 · 30/09/2024 14:23

Snoken · 30/09/2024 14:19

Well done @Secondtimemum24 for realising this so soon! I was in a relationship/marriage that changed for the worse as soon as I got pregnant too and it took me 2 decades to realise just how abusive and horrible it was and to finally get out. You have much better circumstances that I did by having money and a house that he has no claim on so it should be relatively straight forward to leave, because you have to leave.

Sorry you went through that ! ☹️
i know I have to I just needed someone else to tell me how I’m feeling is valid and correct and that I’m not crazy x

OP posts:
Snoken · 30/09/2024 14:37

You are definitely not crazy, quite the opposite. You have spotted quickly that something isn't right with him. You will feel so relieved once he's out of your home. Good luck with it!

PaminaMozart · 30/09/2024 14:46

@Secondtimemum24 - I expect you are feeling a little overwhelmed right now, both because of the situation you are finding yourself in, and also because you are probably afraid of him trying to get your baby for overnights etc.

When situations are overwhelming and scary, it can be useful to break them into different parts and tackle each one separately and methodically.

First and foremost get him out of your house, and change the locks. Once that's done, you'll be better able to breathe and focus.

Next, write down everything that has been happening, especially a detailed record of his lack of parental contributions, both practical and financial. (Your OP is a good starting point.

Also list and evaluate the advice you've received in this thread.

Tomorrow call Women's Aid for advice on the best way to proceed.

Next contact a couple of experienced family solicitors with a view to ensuring that he gets no overnights until the baby is at least 18 months old, and until he has suitable (self-contained) accommodation. Make a list of your questions and concerns before you call.

Also initiate a claim for maintenance with the CMS.

Depending on your financial situation, you may also want to look into getting universal credit.

aloris · 30/09/2024 14:47

In the 1950s men were expected to provide all the financial support for their wives who were the mothers of their children. So at least there was that.

Secondtimemum24 · 30/09/2024 14:57

PaminaMozart · 30/09/2024 14:46

@Secondtimemum24 - I expect you are feeling a little overwhelmed right now, both because of the situation you are finding yourself in, and also because you are probably afraid of him trying to get your baby for overnights etc.

When situations are overwhelming and scary, it can be useful to break them into different parts and tackle each one separately and methodically.

First and foremost get him out of your house, and change the locks. Once that's done, you'll be better able to breathe and focus.

Next, write down everything that has been happening, especially a detailed record of his lack of parental contributions, both practical and financial. (Your OP is a good starting point.

Also list and evaluate the advice you've received in this thread.

Tomorrow call Women's Aid for advice on the best way to proceed.

Next contact a couple of experienced family solicitors with a view to ensuring that he gets no overnights until the baby is at least 18 months old, and until he has suitable (self-contained) accommodation. Make a list of your questions and concerns before you call.

Also initiate a claim for maintenance with the CMS.

Depending on your financial situation, you may also want to look into getting universal credit.

Thank you for this… feeling very anxious atm so just need to relax and know I’m doing the right thing.

OP posts:
Secondtimemum24 · 30/09/2024 14:57

Snoken · 30/09/2024 14:37

You are definitely not crazy, quite the opposite. You have spotted quickly that something isn't right with him. You will feel so relieved once he's out of your home. Good luck with it!

Thank you I hope so!

OP posts:
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